Thursday, July 21, 2005

Adventures Of Mrs. Spurious Honky & Mr. Kamikaze Crunchybug

So I was putting on my PJ’s the other night, and I saw this bug. Like a junebug but bigger. A WWF junebug. The kind of bug you KNOW is going to make a messy, gross sounding crunch when you give it a good whack. You know, a Crunchybug.

After seeing him, I knew my PJ’s had to wait while I hunted Crunchybug (for all you corn-pervs, I still had undies and a t-shirt). I began stalking my prey with a flip flop immediately, knowing if I stopped looking for him, he’d somehow stuff himself up my nose at 3AM and cause me to gag and snort like a wild boar. My husband didn’t agree to ‘love and cherish’ a wild boar, so I thumped around with my flip flop, waiting for the telltale crunch. Crunchybug zoomed around the room, banging into the ceiling, but staying just out of reach.

Mateo, curious about all this hammering around, came in and found me and my reeeeeeeeeeeally-white legs hopping around in a t-shirt and undies, pursuing my crunchy intruder. I’m neon white, so I looked like an ass. He laughed a little and asked, “Um, what’re you doing?”

“There’s this big crunchy bug….”

“You going to squash it?”

I looked at him blankly, “Uh. YES.”

And as I turned my gaze away, Crunchybug vanished. Shit. We looked all over the room, behind pictures, on the ceiling, he was gone. This was no good. My nose doesn’t like visitors and now my prey was hiding.

And then Crunchybug dive bombed me.

SLAM into my leg.

SLAMSLAM into my knee.

BUZZSLAMBUZZBUZZSLAMSLAM into my foot.

Crunchybugs are usually buzzy and skittery, and anyone who says they enjoy touching bugs is a big liar. People like that should have a Crunchybug stuffed in their nostril, and then tell me if they still like bugs. Which is why when Crunchybug hit me, I freaked the hell out and ran around the room like a mental patient.

“AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m too white!!! It thinks I’m a light!!! I’m too white!!! I’m too white!!!”

Mateo almost peed his pants laughing.

Fine, Mr. Husband. Next time I’ll just snort the bug, and you can embrace my neon-white, inner wild boar-dom at 3AM. Cause that’s sexy, mister.
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Random Fruit Fact: The Low Bush Cranberry

“not true cranberries, but members of the honey suckle family. They are widespread in Canada, and prefer moist, well- drained soils and are shade tolerant. They flower in late May to early June, and the fruit ripens in mid to late August. The fruit is bright red, rich in vitamin C and is sour and tastes like a cranberry. The bark, boiled in a tea, was used as a muscle relaxant. The plants can be propagated from cuttings.”

These flower in June, which is my tenuous tie to junebugs. It’s a stretch, but…eh. Learn more about the Low Bush Cranberry, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 7/21/2005 01:10:00 PM

21 Comments

  1. Blogger Caroline posted at 1:47 PM  
    Oh my god, I can't stop laughing! I'm neon white too and I guarantee you the next time bugs come around me I'm gonna start shouting "I'M TOO WHITE, THEY THINK I'M LIGHT" like I have Tourrette's.
  2. Blogger Nilbo posted at 1:50 PM  
    My sympathy for you at the moment of the Kamikaze Crunchybug attack is so great, it precludes me from spitting my Diet Coke at the screen and hooting with laughter.

    No. No, that's a damn lie. That's how mature I wish I could be. But I am not. I think that is the single funniest image I have come across in a loooong time. And sorry, but the funny cancels out the mean here.

    Oh, and Crunchybugs don't like going up noses. They creep up softly and feed on ear wax. And lay their eggs in your brain. You don't feel much more than a little tickle.

    But hey, probably won't happen. Don't let it worry you.

    Sleep tight.
  3. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 2:24 PM  
    If you ever start blogging, I am going to go jump off the damn bridge. I so look forward to your posts and their ability to send me into laughs so hard that I wheeze.
  4. Blogger Kitsune posted at 2:25 PM  
    Mr. CruchyBug seemed to have gone on the offensive. I can't resist a corny line (I somehow avoided using that on your last post) and say that CB is likely always offensive. Yet, for his treachery, I imagine he met a horrible end???
  5. Blogger ~*ERY*~ posted at 2:45 PM  
    hahaha heehee. I hate the CrunchyBugs of the world. They just can't just quietly squish like normal bugs....I make someone else smack them because of the crunch noise...that is how you avoid the bugs flying at your neon light white legs, make someone else do it.
  6. Blogger Holy Schmidt posted at 4:22 PM  
    I swear I almost peed! Oh Jebus that was great!
  7. Blogger Candace posted at 4:24 PM  
    Holy Jeebus Crispies that was freakin' funny!
  8. Anonymous Browen posted at 6:30 PM  
    *dies laughing*

    Crikey that was funny :D *giggles uncontrolably*
  9. Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes posted at 6:59 PM  
    Yeah, what was the eventual fate of Crunchybug? Or is he still at large?
  10. Blogger Annejelynn posted at 6:59 PM  
    have I told you already that you are a super cutie?
  11. Blogger Squirl posted at 7:38 PM  
    Ick, kamikaze crunchy-bugs. I hate bugs. My legs are probably as white as yours. I will remember to put my dark pants on the next time I hunt a bug.

    We have highbush cranberries growing here in Michigan. I don't think I've ever tasted the fruit, though. The birds like 'em.
  12. Blogger spoonleg posted at 8:23 PM  
    the bug... he thought you were LIGHT! That is way too effing funny.
  13. Blogger mrtl posted at 8:48 PM  
    Girlfriend, I haven't laughed that hard at a post in a very long time.

    p.s. I thought of you today while changing Bug's diaper. The playground at her daycare is all sand, and she had it all in her diaper. Yes, a sandy butthole. (I still laugh when I think of that one.)
  14. Blogger kilowatthour posted at 9:20 PM  
    I definitely just laughed out loud. A lot. And OH can I empathize, with the fear of bugs and the ultra-whiteness. I mean, I'm translucent over here.
  15. Anonymous Emma posted at 3:04 AM  
    That was hysterical and now my latte is all over my screen... I'll have to pretend I'm having a violent hayfever attack or something. Thank you so much for kicking off my day with a laugh. :)
  16. Anonymous lawbrat posted at 8:34 AM  
    OMG that is great. Thought you were a light. I havent laughed like that at something for quite a while. That is great!!
  17. Blogger Jomama posted at 9:36 AM  
    I can't stop rubbing my nose now after reading that. I don't know why. I hate all bugs, soft and crunchy. Eeew.

    Oh I just read all of your archives and added you to my list of links. You are a funny lady.
  18. Blogger Circus Kelli posted at 12:35 PM  
    Spurious Baby, you are so very funny and charming and I love your writing. I can totally see myself as you running around the room like a mental patient, and my own Hubby laughing at me and my REALLY white legs.

    Death to all CrunchyBugs!
  19. Blogger LadyBug posted at 1:48 PM  
    "AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m too white!!! It thinks I’m a light!!! I’m too white!!! I’m too white!!!"

    It occurrs to me now that postponing my trip to the ladies' room to relieve my bladder was probably NOT such a good idea.

    Ahem.

    Excuse me, please, while I go change my britches.
  20. Blogger Aurora posted at 2:35 PM  
    I haven't laughed that hard in long time!
  21. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 10:13 PM  
    Note to self: You guys think bugs are funny **scribbles**.

    Caroline- I wish I had Tourette's. At least then I'd have an excuse...

    Nilbo- Thanks. Great mental pic. Now I gotta buy noseplugs. Thanks a WHOLE lot.

    SFG- I think I am blogging...but maybe it's just a myth. Don't jump, it's just fruit!

    Kitsune- His death was quick and crunchy. And required toilet paper to be fully removed. Yuck.

    Holy Schmidt- Jebus!

    Misfit-Jebus crispies? I love you guys...

    Browen- Death by laughter, eh? If we could sneak asome diet coke and chocolate in there, I'd join you!

    BFE- Oh, he's so...SOOOOOO dead. Much to my evil delight.

    Annejelynn- Thanks! The same goes for you!

    Squirl- See, you're already one step ahea dof me. You're thinking.

    Superspoon- It was more of an'I'm a total dork' thing, but I can understand how you'd get confused. I'm dorky a lot...

    MRTL- Nice to know that when you see a sandy butthole you think of me...uh, yeah. I think 'sandy, little butthole' is actually from South Park, so feel free to think of Trey and Matt, too. And my plagaristic ass.

    Kilowatthour- That's my girl. See through white! White that scares ghosts! White that gives white-out a run for it's money! Yes!

    Emma- You're most welcome! Come on by anytime!

    Ery- Unfortunately, my husband thinks that my bug killing is a spectator sport. Boo!

    Lawbrat- If I knew that scary bug encounters got you giggling,I would've tried it a loooong while ago. Hopefully I can take a break for a while...right?

    Jomama- Thanks! And thanks for visiting SP!

    CK-My white legged sister! Hooray! I'm not alone!

    Ladybug- Sorry about the britch busting...Should we order you a potty chair? Like, a sexy one?

    Airea- Glad you liked it!

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