Saturday, July 16, 2005

Jungle Boogie!

Or backyard looks like the goddamn Amazon rain forest. I’m not fucking around. Check it out:


Remember when it looked like this? CAUSE IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME SHOT.


It's like someone did a napalm-drop of MiracleGro over my house, and everything just exploded.


It's eating our back porch.


And guess what? All this frighteningly verdant stuff comes with wildlife. LOTS OF WILDLIFE. I’m fine with deer and groundhogs and raccoons and possums and squirrels. Mammals are great. I am one.

But bugs…ho, ho. No thanks.

I used to be the Spurious Family Bug Enforcer. Mateo’s not afraid of buggies, but he doesn't care, which is worse. He'll just let things scurry around and set up shop. I can't abide scurrying or shop-set-upping inside MY house, so I became The Bug Enforcer.

In Cali, I had the three-strikes rule, wherein any bug recieved three chances to go outside. I’d scoop them onto paper or into a cup, and carry them outside, spouting off "live-and-let-live" platitudes. Obviously, I wasn’t too hardcore about the platitude part, since after three strikes everything got squashed.

Then we moved to Pittsburgh and I found the centipede in my tub. Careful. This is ACTUAL SIZE (at least that's the size it seemed to me...)

Image courtesy of the Univ. of Nebraska Dept. of Entymology. Like the note on the picture SAYS.

Holy shit. What do you even do with that. Do you hit it with a shoe? One of Ronald McfuckingDonald's shoes? What's with all those legs? Does anything need that many legs? Jesus.

Anyway, I squished him. And holysweetmothermary he was purple inside. PURPLE!

Since the 'Centipede Incident' I'm a cold blooded killer. Completely ruthless. I have to be. I'm suddenly terrified of bugs, and given the the bounteous foliage outside our back porch, our home now harbors 50 times the normal insect head count.

Getting out of my bug filled abode in a month and a half. And counting like a mutha.
_____________________________________
Random Fruit Fact: The Zucchini

At least the centipede wasn't this big.

Yeesh.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 7/16/2005 05:01:00 PM

24 Comments

  1. Blogger mrtl posted at 7:41 PM  
    You're not kidding the rain forest.

    I hate bugs, too. Don't ever go to Texas. The roaches are HUGE there.
  2. Blogger Susie posted at 8:51 PM  
    Kill the motherfuckers before they steal your lunch!
    The green is most beauteous, though. I just saw you elsewhere in blogworld and your gentle smartass good humor followed a rather unpleasant comment by someone else, and I thought, "PLUM! That's what's been missing from my bloglife, I haven't seen Plum in AGES."
    How YOU doin'? ;)
  3. Blogger Buddha Bong posted at 9:56 PM  
    We have roaches in Texas...you must be talking about water bugs. They do look like big ass roaches.

    Man, that pic makes me not want to think about using a weedeater for a while...

    http://hatleyman.blogspot.com/
  4. Blogger LadyBug posted at 10:53 PM  
    Are you saying...that I'm not welcome here anymore?

    *sniff*
  5. Blogger Kitsune posted at 11:23 PM  
    For this battle, you will need a machette in one hand, and some variety of sawed-off shotgun in the other. Preferably something Italian.

    I've seen this movie before. You better nip this thing now, before their queen grows any more powerful.
  6. Blogger Ern posted at 1:48 AM  
    I HATE centipedes. I am afraid of spiders. They have too many legs. But CENTIPEDES are the SPAWN of SATAN. And I have family in the midwest, so I have seen centipedes that big, and I TOTALLY believe you that the picture is actual size. *shudder*
  7. Anonymous lawbrat posted at 8:54 AM  
    Me and bugs dont get along either. But I do love ladybugs. They're so cute, little, and not ugly like they are going to eat me for lunch!

    Ladybug...you are too cute.

    How the hell does a zucchini grow that big...geeze.
  8. Blogger Greenthumb posted at 9:51 AM  
    Isn't that Kudzu? That shit will drag away small children.

    I'm with you on the creepy crawly business...I have my limits, especially when they start dragging away my lunch or offer to scrub my back in the shower, that shit ain't right.
  9. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 3:11 PM  
    That is indeed kudzu which I thought was only the bane of our existence down here. I hope you don't have small pets because kudzu will swallow them up.

    I also hate bugs. Giant roaches that FLY are my worst enemy. I will spray them until they drown with anything handy - Raid, Clorox Clean Up, 409 - whatever.
  10. Blogger Foxy Drama Queen posted at 5:33 PM  
    I was always the resident Daddy Longlegs killer at Girl Guide camps. Your aim can only get better!! Especially when the little critters aren't so little... You can always sedate them with Windex!
    Beautiful jungle by the way, does it come with Monkeys and bananas too? ;)
  11. Blogger Candace posted at 7:35 PM  
    How the HELL do you have Kudzu in Pennsylfreakingvania?

    GET OUT!!! THE PLANTS ARE TAKING OVER!!!
  12. Blogger kilowatthour posted at 8:48 PM  
    i was just going to ask if that was kudzu! and how it got there! WTF? also, why must you terrify me with giant pictures of multi-legged terror??
  13. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 9:28 PM  
    MRTL-I've heard tell of Texas roaches...none for me thanks. Please.

    Susie- Missed you too! You're always the very sweetest! Work has been pretty crappy, and getting ready for our move is cutting into my blogtime...BOO!And after I get back to LA I'll be taking Organic Chemistry. Yeesh...

    Hatleyman- If you cut this stuff it just makes it mad...It cannot be stopped.

    Ladybug- You're always welcome because you're a special kind of bug. All other bugs are accepted on a case-by-case basis. The centipede does NOT make the cut.

    Kitsune- Like I said to hatleyman, if I cut it, it just grows faster. Like I can watch it grow...Eep.

    Ern- Just read your centipede story. Thanks for adding to the list of things to be terrified of in a bathroom. WHat kind of bug chooses to live in a bathroom anyway. A BAD BUG.

    Lawbrat- Ladybugs are lucky, especially ours!Do you count spots too?

    Greenthumb- It is kudzu. In the name of all that's holy, call the police.

    SFG- 409, eh? Never thought of that...I'll keep a bottle at the ready.

    Foxy Drama Queen- We have baboons. They have big red butts. We keep the curtains closed.

    Misfit- All this kudzu probably crawled up from the south. And it probably did it in about a week.

    Kilowatt- Sorry, I should have given more warning. UGLY ASS BUG, AHOY!
  14. Blogger marybishop posted at 6:33 AM  
    Wow, it ain't easy being green, but your backyard doesn't seem to have a problem at all.

    It looks lush and lovely no matter what is is...

    The thing on the side of your head you hear with and the thing you put on your head if you want hair and you don't have any. Put those two words together and they are my most feared of all bugs. I am so afraid I cannot type their name.

    And, they are big as zucchinis in my neighborhood!
  15. Blogger Squirl posted at 8:41 AM  
    I don't like bugs either. And Ichabod thinks they're cool. He won't just kill a bug and gets irritated with me if I do. We used to have wolf spiders. They run right at you. There was one by the shower for about a week. I was really freaked out!
  16. Blogger Nilbo posted at 9:37 AM  
    I think bugs are fun. We get a lot of them, and one of my favourite thing to do is take, say, a centipede or (in deference to poor Mary's sensibilities) an aural toupee, and set them gently outside ... on an anthill.

    Then I squat down and watch those damn ants get medieval on his ass.

    Also fun: find a big spider web. Catch a fly or a moth or some other bug (live capture is best!), and gently lob it into the web. Woohoo! Wild Kingdom in your backyard!

    I'm such a six year old boy.
  17. Blogger Amy posted at 10:05 AM  
    The growth! How crazy is that? It's like Kubla Khan or something.

    I hate those bugs. I have seen them in my tub, they just sit there in a corner like, "Fuck you."
    And they have STRIPES. Ugh.
  18. Blogger Aurora posted at 11:21 AM  
    Love your back yard, not loving your big-ass scary bug thing. This is why i love canada, they only get so big before the snow hits and they all die.
  19. Blogger Candace posted at 1:13 PM  
    Nilbo, you make me laugh. Out loud, which then causes my husband to come see what's going on (because, you know, he's a six-year-old boy at heart, too, and I can't have any fun withOUT him, that wouldn't be FAIR) and then HE laughs and then the kids have to know what's going on...

    You've just wrecked my alone time. Are you happy now?
  20. Blogger laurenbove posted at 4:39 PM  
    Holy Crap that's a rain forest! That stuff is taking over. You and M better not stand still for long!

    I juuuust had a centi or milli just like the one in the pix. I didn't know their legs were so long in real life! I think my vision of them was cemented in childhood when they were cartoonish creatures with one hundered or one million boots on the end of each leg.

    Eeeek!

    I can't ask J to kill them cause he get's all spazzy like a little girl! I have to squish, wipe and flush them away. Don't vacuum them as I've heard tales that if the bug doesn't die it could lay eggs in the vacuum and you'll get an infestation in your appliance.

    missed me? ha!
  21. Blogger echrai posted at 7:12 PM  
    Never underestimate a Pennsylvania spring/summer. I forgot what they were like during my long stint in Virginia where my lawn scorched every summer. I kid you not, I had black marks on the lawn. It'd come back green in the fall and after a good rain, but brown and black all summer. PA, on the other hand explodes. Supposedly it's akin to English summers - which is why so many of the same plants FLOURISH. Flourish = takes over and steals your house while you're not looking.

    As for the bugs - dunno if I've ever had that much of a problem with them. I'm not a big fan - bugs get squashed. Especially if I'm home alone. If it's a nice looking little bug, I may take pity on it - provided the dog doesn't catch it first. She likes to chomps wasps and bees especially. They're buzzy and crunchy. Strange little beast.
  22. Blogger uglyagnes posted at 7:46 AM  
    i get centipedes in the summer in my apartment. last summer, i was lying in the tub, reading a book, and one ran across my boobs! I nearly fainted! now when i see them, i force my cat to take a look, and she eats them
  23. Blogger Squirll posted at 4:20 PM  
    one word...
    roundup.
    ...well it could be 2 with a hyphen. but you get the idea right? i normally dont recomend the killing of plants. but in this case your allowed.
  24. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 10:26 PM  
    Marybishop-Sorry about the earw...oop!

    Squirl- I heard the wold spiders are territorial too. No, really. I'm not trying to mess with you...nevermind.

    Nilbo- 'Aural toupee'? Go on, with your bad ass thesaurus self!

    Amy- That's it. I'm calling it Kubla Khan from now on. The honorary Amy's Kubla Khan forest.

    Airea- In the winter all te bugs live in my basement. Yuck.

    Misfit-Yeah, Nilbo's all about bringing the family together...

    Lauren- Um. AAHHHHHHH!!!!! Missed you.

    Echrai-If they were outside t would be fine, but they're in my house! IN MY HOUSE! MINE! Sorry.

    Uglyagnes- Dingding! We have a winner! That's the most terrifying thing I've ever heard. Congratulations. Eep!

    Squirll-Can I attachit to a hose cause this is major plantage...buddy.

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