Monday, July 11, 2005

A Story I Need To Get Out Of The Way - OR - Why I'm A Picky Eater

OK. Everyone who’s heard the 'mayonnaise story', just stop reading. Thank you, come again!

For the rest of you, I hate mayonnaise. No, really. I’m almost allergic, because if I even think I’ve ingested any of that foul sputum, I gag and break out in hives. HIVES, PEOPLE!

There’s even a subsection of food I can’t eat because it LOOKS LIKE/SOMEHOW REMINDS me of mayonnaise. Behold! The I-Can’t-Eat-You-Because-You’re-Vaguely-Mayonnaise-y Food Group:

Cottage cheese
Sour cream
All creamy salad dressings (i.e. ranch, french, etc)
“Special sauces” on burgers
Cream cheese
Marshmallow fluff
Yogurt - Don’t even get me started on yogurt
Guacamole - My aunt put mayonnaise in hers, making all other guacamole suspect.
Chip dips (sour cream and onion, etc)
Hollandaise sauce
Alfredo sauce
Ricotta and other white gooey cheeses
Anything “aoli”- It’s a sneaky Italian word for mayonnaise

Most of these things (except yogurt and cottage cheese) are unhealthy anyway, so avoiding them is beneficial. And yes, I’m aware that mayonnaise is just an innocuous mixture of eggs, oil and flour, none of which I’m allergic to. But combined together, they somehow form an unholy, gooey union which causes me to claw at my own face and spontaneously burst into flames. I’m feeling nauseous just writing about mayonnaise, that’s how much I hate it.

Why? Why all the condiment-related fuss? I have my reasons.

Long ago, when I was just a tiny plum (about 7-8 years old), I went on my 1st sleepover. My best friend Little Pear was taking a trip to her Grandma’s house, and I was asked to tag along. Having never slept over at a non-family member’s house, I was beside myself when Mama Spurious said yes!

I was in the process of packing My Little Ponies for the trip (because I was a complete nerd), when Mama Spurious laid down the rules, “You be good, and listen to Little Pear’s parents. Don’t cause any trouble at Grandma Pear’s house. Promise?”

“Promise.” I was willing to promise ANYTHING to go on this trip.

“And promise there’ll be no picky eating either. You eat whatever they give to you, OK?”

“Promise!”

And off I went. To my culinary doom!

Grandma Pear lived far away, and we were halfway to there when we stopped for lunch. Little Pear’s parents had packed a picnic and were laying everything out on a sunny blanket. It was summer, and it was HOT, but I didn’t complain because I’d promised not to. I was feeling very pleased with myself for being so good, and playing ponies with Little Pear, when her parents opened the trunk and pulled out a plastic bag. They reached inside this hot-from-the-trunk bag and gave me a really warm sandwich.

A really warm peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich.

And I ate it. Oh, yes. I had to. I’d promised Mama Spurious that I’d be good.

An hour later at a rest stop, I threw up all over the place. I was sick in Little Pear’s car, sick at Grandma Pear’s house, it was gross. Little Pear got sick too, and I was somehow convinced (in the way children can be) that her illness was my fault as well. Thinking Little Pear wouldn’t invite me anywhere again, I cried inconsolably for the rest of the trip, self-absorbedly certain that I had ruined everything.

But it wasn’t me. It was the MAYONNAISE! Hot mayonnaise is bad!

I told Mama Spurious (who was annoyed that the mayonnaise slathered sandwiches weren’t in a cooler), and she decided that since Little Pear got sick too, it was probably food poisoning. Mayonnaise or anything that even looked like mayonnaise, never willingly passed my lips again.

But this story doesn’t end badly. Mayonnaise isn’t particularly healthy, so cutting it knocks off a few extra calories (even though I usually make them up elsewhere). And over time, things have gotten better. Tasty things that were previously inconceivable - like tofu, white frosting, whipped cream, and pudding, seem pretty tasty to me. I can even watch other people eat mayonnaise-y things in my presence, something that used to have me frantically scanning the room for a potted plant to barf into. But all this took me 20 YEARS.

I suppose there are worse things to hate. Fluffy bunnies, rainbows. But I don’t have to double check my sandwiches for those, dammit.
______________________________________________________________
Random Fruit Fact: The Asian Pear

My childhood best friend was neither asian, nor a pear. Sorry.

“HOW TO USE IN THE KITCHEN: Fresh eating, excellent for drying and pickling and in salads.”

But not with mayonnaise. Oh, God. I just grossed myself out. Learn more about the asian pear, here. Urp.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 7/11/2005 03:59:00 PM

25 Comments

  1. Blogger LadyBug posted at 4:24 PM  
    Oh, dear. I don't have your aversion to mayonnaise, Plum, but the thought of a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich made me throw up in my mouth a little. *gag*

    This line totally cracked me up:

    "And off I went. To my culinary doom!"
  2. Blogger Meggan posted at 4:34 PM  
    Oh god, do I feel your mayonnaise pain. I don't vomit or break out into hives, but I loathe me some mayo.
  3. Blogger Nessa posted at 4:38 PM  
    peanut butter & mayo? who would do that to anyone?? i'm sorry! i love the mayo & i'm sad that you're missing out on other gooey fatty concoctions because of the sandwich fiasco!! cream cheese? chip dips?? I'm so sorry!
  4. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 9:01 PM  
    I also loathe mayonaisse. Let's form a club.
  5. Blogger Candace posted at 10:04 PM  
    Mayonnaise and peanut butter do not belong together.

    Ever.

    And do yourself the biggest favor EVER: get yourself some lovely avocados and make your own guacamole. Then you'll know the goodness that is guac and you'll know it doesn't have mayo in it.

    Cream cheese, sour cream, and Alfredo sauce for me are the reasons for eating the foods they go along with.
  6. Blogger mrtl posted at 10:06 PM  
    Don't care much about Mayo, although I love its sistah, MW. However, peanut butter and mayo together, cooled or not, makes me want to puke. What was wrong with those people??
  7. Blogger Nilbo posted at 8:39 AM  
    I understand on every level your loathing for mayonnaise. And when you say "there are worse things to hate" ... I could only nod.

    When I was six, my parents abandoned me at my cousin's house. He was three years older than me, and a rotten little prick. I'm sorry, but he totally was. See if you don't agree.

    After a big supper of burgers and fries, he said "Let's go to my room for dessert!" OK ...

    He took an entire tub of chocolate ice cream to his room. Hey, alright! Once there, he reached under his bed and brought out some double-chocolate chocolate chip cookies, and began crumbling them into the ice cream. Hey, this is going to be . great ...

    THEN he reached under his bed and brought out a CAN of chocolate syrup. Well ... I kinda like chocolate ... so ... maybe ...

    THEN he MADE me eat THREE BOWLS OF THIS, because otherwise his food hoard would be discovered and he'd get in trouble.

    Can you see how this ended? Yeah, you can.

    So ... sorry about not liking the mayo. But there are worse fates.
  8. Blogger Crankenpants posted at 9:29 AM  
    I had the exact same thing happen to me. Only with chow mein at a friends house. Her mom made me eat it. GAG. But I do love mayo. Ever have a cheese and mayo sandwich? Tasty.
  9. Anonymous lawbrat posted at 10:32 AM  
    Peanut butter and mayonaise? WTF? Ewww.
    I'm a non-mayo person myself. I always ask if such and such has mayo. Then, when the answer is no, I dont trust and order without mayo. Ewww.
  10. Blogger Holy Schmidt posted at 10:34 AM  
    Your aunt should be shot!

    I have NEVER heard of anyone using mayo in guacamole. Come to Texas and party with me and Nessa, we'll introduce you to AUTHENTIC guac!
  11. Blogger ~*ERY*~ posted at 11:07 AM  
    Ew ew ew ew ew. Mayonaise is ew ew ew. ick. I can't eat it. i can't stand how it smells. I used to check the ingredients in our dinner because if there was mayo in it I couldn't, wouldn't eat it. Ick. You poor thing.
  12. Blogger Effie posted at 11:12 AM  
    Oh, I have a mayo story--
    When I came home from school when I was little, the first place we always went was to the kitchen to see if Mom was cooking something special. One time it looked like she was making some kind of custard in a pot of the stove, and because I absolutely LOVE the smell of vanilla cooking, I stuck my nose above the pot and took a nice deep breath, only to have my nostrils assaulted by the acidic stench of warm VINEGAR.

    My Mom was making her homemade mayonnaise for my Dad. YUCK. And, I hate to say it, but I did this exact same thing more than once. I'm very cautious before I smell anything on the stove at Mom's anymore!
  13. Blogger Circus Kelli posted at 11:14 AM  
    Oh, Plummie, I'm so sorry about your history with Mayo. I'm more of a Miracle Whip gal myself.

    The one thing that comes to mind as far as aversions to certain foods is scrambled eggs. My Mom made green scrambled eggs one year for St. Patrick's Day. I haven't really been able to eat scrambled eggs since then.
  14. Blogger Torrie posted at 11:56 AM  
    Wow.
  15. Blogger Closet Metro posted at 12:13 PM  
    I'm way too midwestern to hate the mayo. It's a staple, like pickles. You have to have some in your fridge; it's a rule.
  16. Anonymous Anonymous posted at 3:53 PM  
    In Response to Holy Schmidt -

    Mayonaise in Guacamole is a weird 1950 California white peroson phenomenom. The shit still exist here but it is not nearly as prevalent as it used to be.

    Ever see a cookbook from the 1950's. Dats some scary shit.

    It is not like Avocados do not have enough fat already and what the fuck is mayonaise going to add to Guacamole??? Make it richer and creamier?

    Word

    El Guapo
  17. Blogger Annejelynn posted at 4:58 PM  
    Miracle Whip baby! and fry sauce? can't do without the sauce ~ however, I know how you feel! I CANNOT have fruit punch - CANNOT - not even Fruit punch flavored Starbursts or Life Savers - nothing Fruit Punchy flavored. Once (the 2nd time I ever got plastered-drunk enough to toss my shots), I had 3 and a 1/2 Hawaiian Punch mixers - each had about 4 shots of hard liquor, unbeknownst to me. At the time? they tasted soooooo goood, and friends kept buying them for me (I didn't ask!) and so I kept drinking. Of course, I was violently ill before the night was even nearing an end. NO FRUIT PUNCH FOR ME, thanks.
  18. Blogger _Summer_ posted at 5:26 PM  
    Ew, ew, ew. My stomach is flipping (and not happily so) over the mere mention of peanut-butter and mayo sanniches.

    Yuckyuckyuck.

    Anyway: I linked to a Popular Science article on bananas over at me blog today. Since you're of the fruity persuasion, I thought you might like it.
  19. Blogger Squirl posted at 8:50 PM  
    Okay, I actually like peanut butter and mayo sandwiches. Had one for lunch today. I've been eating them for over 20 years. Of course, I never got sick on one.

    I have become allergic to mussels, though. I NEVER throw up. I threw up four times in the last year. Finally figured out it was mussels. Never again will eat those. Makes me nauseated to just think about it now.
  20. Blogger Aurora posted at 10:08 AM  
    I like mayo, i used to hate it as a kid, i still only use it in tuna fish sandwiches, however peanut butter and mayo sandwich...icky icky icky, that thought alone makes me want to yarf!
  21. Anonymous kalki posted at 1:56 PM  
    I think a peanut butter and mayo sandwich sounds disgusting, but I love me some peanut butter and mayo, separately. And after reading Squirl's comment, I just may go home and try them together. Maybe.

    But the not putting those sandwiches in a cooler?! That shit ain't right.

    ps - Pegasus was my favorite Little Pony.
  22. Blogger Torrie posted at 2:32 PM  
    I don't eat onions because they taste like crunchy bugs.
  23. Anonymous kalki posted at 3:41 PM  
    Okay, time to report back to the class. I tried the peanut butter and mayo sandwich, completely open-mindedly, mind you. And now I hate mayo.

    I think I'll stick with my peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches.
  24. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 9:49 PM  
    Ladybug- Sorry about the tiny barf...didn't mean to inflict this on anyone else.

    Meggan- Hooray! I have Mayo-hating bretheren! Tis a glorious day, indeed.

    Sillynessa- I wish I could say that going without this gooey stuff has shrunk my ass, but...no. Damn.

    SFG- YES! More Mayo hating people! I love it! Was 'club' a pun? Cause I laughed.

    Misfit- I love MAKING guacamole. I just can't bring myself to eat it. Maybe in another 20 years...geez.

    MRTL- Little Plum's folks were from Equador. But I'm pretty sure they don't make sandwiches like that in Equador. At least I hope not.

    Nilbo- Poor thing! And what did we learn about vices? Are you saying you you can't eat chocolate ice cream? If so, I weep for you.

    Crankenpants- Um, can't say that I've tried cheese and mayo. More for you!

    Lawbrat- They're sneaky with the mayo out here. They won't list it on the menu, and then it somehow shows up on my sandwich. Dirty mayo foisters.

    Holy Shmidt- She's old, don't shoot my little aunt! Her children know that mayo in guac is wrong, so hpefully the cycle of avocado violence stops here...

    Ery- There's my girl. I do the same thing!

    Effie- Its nice that your Mama makes stuff, but...**shudders**.
    Sorry.

    CK- What's the difference between Miricle Whip and Mayo? Some people swear by one or the other...What's the deal? What happened with the eggs (sorry)?

    Torrie- You hate EVERYTHING too, so fess up.

    CM- You can have my jar! I'll mail it, so it's nice and warm when you get it. Eeeew.

    Guapo- Creamy is the excuse, nastiness is the result.

    Annejelynn- How do you stay so cute if you're eating fry sauce and miracle whip(Gah!)? Spill your secrets, woman!

    Summer- That banana article rocked! Now I'm all worried, though...

    Squirl-You eat them all the time?????Uh...you have fun with that. I wish you all the best. Sorry about the mussels!

    Airea- Nice pic! I don't eat fishies either, but thats a separate post...

    Kalki- Moonstone. With the rainbow hair. That's the shit. DON'T EAT THAT SANDWICH.

    Torrie- You're starting to freak me out. I hate onion crunch too. Did your daddy get freaky with my mom on the side?

    Kalki- Sweet merciful Jesus! YOU ATE ONE! AHHHHHHH! I'm so sorry! I'll get the stomach pump...
  25. Blogger candy posted at 12:44 AM  
    i love mayonnaise (well, actually miracle whip) and pretty much anything it's an ingredient in. like metro said, i'm too midwestern not to. but my 6th grade teacher gave me a mayo phobia. she said she'd gotten food poisoning from dip (with mayo) that had been left out too long. ever since then, i've been the refridgeration police. if i even question how long a dish with mayo has been out, i don't eat it. my family makes fun of me cuz i'm always asking how long something's been out. and now i'll never forget my stupid 6th grade teacher too.

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