Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Throw Me A Gucci Life Preserver, Dammit!

Ever have those mornings where you try on the entire contents of your closet and nothing feels right? The mornings where you try outfits you've worn hundreds of times before, but this time make you feel like a hairy fashion yeti? The mornings where you know with absolute surety that if you don’t find something acceptable, you'll feel self-conscious all day?

Today was that day. Fashion Crisis Day.

Fuck.

After 15 minutes of softly cursing both the contents of my closet and my epic ass, I chose a black t-shirt, jeans and some converse. You know. What I’ll wear every day of my life if someone doesn’t forcibly block the front door of my house and bitch slap me with their D&G bag.

But then I remembered that dress code for choads officially goes into effect at work today. So I took off the black tee/jeans/converse combo and put on black pants, a blue v-neck shirt and pointy black shoes. It looked totally fine, but it made me feel like a huge dork who's unaware her own dorkiness. Dorky like my 6th grade self pegging my jeans on purpose. Fuck.

Recognizing the early symptoms of a Clothing Crisis, I informed Mateo. He's seen this madness before and got comfy, because he knows how long this will take. This will take EXACTLY AS LONG AS IT TAKES.

The following insanity ensued:

Outfit Contender #1: Pink v-neck top/tan pants/brown super-high heels.
Disqualifying Flaw: Shirt only looks right with hair down, and I’ve already sprayed it UP. It's not coming unstuck, dammit.

Outfit Contender #2: Purple shell/black sweater/black pants/painful shoes.
Disqualifying Flaw: Makes me look like some sort of gothic Barney.

Outfit Contender #3: Sky-blue sweater/black skirt/sassy black heels.
Disqualifying Flaw: Skirt requires shaving (not happening this morning) or nylons (not happening ANY morning).

Outfit Contender #4: Button-up coral shirt/black pants-AGAIN.
Disqualifying Flaw: Shirt looks stupid with pants, and The Man would want me to tuck it in. I ain't tucking in for NOBODY fool!

Mr. Clothing Crisis has visited me many times in my short, shallow life, which is why I shouldn’t have been surprised by what I did next.

I said 'fuck the man' and wore the black tee/jeans/converse combo anyway.

Yeah. No one saw that coming. Cause I fly by the seat of my self-absorbed pants that way.

Jesus.
_______________________________________
Random Fruit Fact: The Loquat

"It was introduced into Japan and became naturalized there in very early times. It has been cultivated in Japan for over 1,000 years."

Some of the clothes in my closet seem like they've been there for 1,000 years… Learn more about the loquat, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 7/05/2005 04:37:00 PM

23 Comments

  1. Blogger Torrie posted at 4:59 PM  
    I feel you.
  2. Blogger Candace posted at 7:30 PM  
    Preach.
  3. Blogger Squirl posted at 7:38 PM  
    I really hate dress codes. I've lived through plenty of them. Now I wear some color of jeans every day. The dressiest I get is dockers, and I DON'T TUCK IN! I work in a fairly conservative company in West Michigan. When idiots where shorts to the office I always hope the powers-that-be dont' decide it's dress code time.

    That really sucks for you. I bet you can't wait to get another job. You're still looking to California, right?
  4. Blogger mrtl posted at 9:30 PM  
    What's really sad here is that painful shoes aren't a disqualifying flaw.
  5. Blogger Nessa posted at 10:26 PM  
    F the man! But I'm too scared to :(
  6. Blogger Kitsune posted at 11:16 PM  
    If anyone asks about the dress code, loudly question what is wrong with your American* made clothing. Make it sound like wearing anything else is very unpatriotic and possibly even traitorous. Take it personally. Follow it up by asking if the accuser is one of "'doz Commies"?

    *(Or, attributable to America. Even theoretically. Sold in American stores qualifies if you push hard enough.)

    PS: Loquat is tasty. We enjoy the loquats here. 'cause they're good.
  7. Blogger Foxy Drama Queen posted at 12:50 AM  
    Efn Dress codes!! I SO know what you mean... I love the Gothic Barney idea, you should make it into a show about the corporate world for kids ;)
  8. Anonymous kalki posted at 7:53 AM  
    I am just glad to know that I am not alone in having Clothing Crises. Rob acts like I am cra-zazy when I go through multiple outfits and have disqualifying flaws for all of them. I shall have him read this.

    Also, he always wants me to tuck in button-ups and I never do, either. Talk about dorky.
  9. Blogger Circus Kelli posted at 8:16 AM  
    I'm with you -- I tried on more than one outfit today, as well, and I'm still not happy with what I have on. Although we don't have a strict dress code here, I *feel* like I *should* dress up a bit, so today I did and I hate this skirt and these shoes and my hair and tomorrow I'm wearing COMFORTABLE JEANS dammit.

    If this keeps up, I'm going to have to iron some of my clothes again.
  10. Blogger Weetzie posted at 8:30 AM  
    omigod...pantihose!! I would get fired for the pantihose thing cuz I won't wear them either. I always end up in the jeans and tee shirt, luckily I work in a tiny hidden office where NO ONE cares what I wear....mostly. heehee.
    ps. I can blog here too cuz no one is looking! ;)
  11. Blogger LadyBug posted at 8:35 AM  
    I love the way you tie in your fruit facts with your posts. You're so cute.

    And on the fashion crisis...I hear ya, sistah. Mmm-hmm. ::nodding in agreement::
  12. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 8:59 AM  
    Thank God the firm I work for has a very lax dress code or I would be one fired mutha
  13. Anonymous Anonymous posted at 9:55 AM  
    Pick an outfit that meets the requirements of your dress code. Then, wear it every day.

    You will be complying, but it will drive the Personnel Police crazy.
  14. Blogger Effie posted at 10:17 AM  
    You don't know how many mornings are like that for me! Usually it starts out with the outfit I thought I was going to wear needing ironing or having a mark on it, or just not looking right that day....it could take a long time--I have far too many clothes, I think....it happened this morning too and I'm not pleased with the final result...
  15. Blogger _Summer_ posted at 10:55 AM  
    While I'm not happy this happened to you, I *am* glad to know that this happens to others. And "hairy fashion yeti" is the perfect descriptor.

    HFYs unite!
  16. Anonymous lawbrat posted at 11:21 AM  
    Im with you on this one. Every day is a fashion crisis day. If I lose 50 lbs, all would be well. I wonder if they have 'do it yourself' lipo? :-)
    I'd just need it for my : ass, thighs, arms, hips, tummy....
  17. Blogger Circus Kelli posted at 12:33 PM  
    Ladies, I say we all go out shopping for a new outfit during lunch today.

    (I tell you what, I was thisclose to doing it!)
  18. Blogger Nilbo posted at 7:15 PM  
    Anonymous has an awesome idea, but I'd like to see it carried further ...

    Get everybody at work, and pick a colour, plus black. Say it's purple. Everybody ALWAYS wears purple and black, so that the place looks eerie. Inform management that you are following the dress code to the letter. They will soon see that spooking customers/clients is a bad alternative to allowing people to wear clothing that is suitable to the workplace but allows some judgement.

    Dress codes are management's way of saying "We think you are morons."
  19. Blogger Circus Kelli posted at 8:15 PM  
    Nilbo -- I've seen some of the stuff people at the company I work for (with the not really strict dress code) wear to work, and I have to say -- some of us ARE morons. :)
  20. Blogger Annejelynn posted at 8:43 PM  
    we've all been there, I'm sure - if not on a weekly basis (or daily basis)
  21. Blogger Aurora posted at 11:40 AM  
    Just wear flip flops and whatever else makes you happy. I don't do dress code at my work. i don't care enough.
  22. Blogger Suzanna Danna posted at 3:58 PM  
    I wear Garanimals for adults... Pick a pair of pants (black, black, black, black, black or black... sometimes alternating with grey and tan) and mix with twin set for hotflashes.

    Done. Loved this post and the earlier one you lined to... I snorted my ass off. At the comments too. Love you, mean it.
  23. Blogger Suzanna Danna posted at 3:59 PM  
    lined = linked for tarded non-typing freaks like me. :)

Post a Comment

« Home