The Spurious Plum

Crocking Your Pot - OR - Why Dinner Smells Like Heart Attack

Is there a verb for crock pot cooking? Closest I can come up with is 'crocking one's pot', which sounds like a not-so-thinly-veiled drug reference. And I like my drug references thoroughly veiled, thank you.

Every so often, my sweet husband is possessed of a desire to cook up something tasty. And since I bleed every time I cut a goddamn onion, I encourage him to embrace that desire. Plus, when he cooks, I can sit on my ass, study pictures of dead cat parts, and try not to smell the laboratory preservative that has permanently sunk into my skin. Mmm, Anatomy. Quelle delicieux.

Husband likes to actually use the items from the Epic Pile O' Loot we received at our wedding, and tends to favor the crockpot. Crockpots cook things slowly, and the food's subsequent smell funks up our house for weeks after the cooking fun is done. The funk is twofold: the food brings the funk and then after eating the funky food, husband also brings the funk. These funk foods include, but are not limited to:

Sauerkraut
German potato salad
Mexican pickled onions and carrots
Uncle Bill's Five Alarm Chili

Now, our house doesn't smell like a rose garden (see dead cat statements above), but after the cooking/consumption of funk food it certainly doesn't smell good. I'd qualify it as 'really bad' for a day or two and then 'vaguely feety' for a week. I'm of the opinion my feet are smelly enough and don't need extra culinary support.

Our latest offender was German Potato Salad, which waged a bacon vs. vinegar war in my nostrils for a week post-cooking. I'm running out of nostril hair. I'm not sure whether I need nostril hair, but I'll be damned if anyone's going to take it away from me. Something must be done.

My latest idea is to have Mateo crock his pot outside, thus sparing me the pleasure of its stink (Especially since our new couch should be spared the slow, shameful fate of smelling like Uncle-Fred's-Smells-Like-An-Old-Man's-Ass-Recliner). However, I can only imagine the shitstorm our supremely bitchy condo neighbors will rain upon us if Mateo begins to cook al fresco.

Them: "Something smells feety. We can smell your feet outside! Outside!"
Me: "I guess this makes up for your dog shitting in the elevator*, doesn't it?"

*Ew. Actually happened.
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Random Fruit Fact: The Long Keeper Tomato

"Plants produce an abundance of long trusses of 4 to 6 ounce fruit that is light orange-red when ripe with medium-red interiors. Fruit ripens late in the season, but has a good flavor, and once picked, does last a very long time."

Speaking of late, sorry I haven't been around...Learn more about the Long Keeper Tomato (an a whole booty-load of other late tomatoes), here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 11/22/2005 03:51:00 PM