Friday, April 28, 2006

Memo To The Fashion Impaired Public – The Skort

A Disclaimer To Those Who Haven’t Yet Boarded The Anti-Skort Bus:
Any excuses relating to the skort being a solution to chafing, discomfort or sweatiness are to be summarily dismissed. If these things bother you, then you should wear shorts. Without pleats, dammit!

So, skorts.

I shouldn’t even have to post about this. Really. Who comes up with this stuff? Was there ever a time these were a good idea? Who was the genius that while pondering her abraded thighs leapt up and bellowed 'Eureka'? I wanna know, because we’re going to that bitch’s house tonight with some torches and pitchforks for some hardcore Frankenstein mob shit.

WE ALL SHOULD KNOW BETTER. And yet I see people wearing these puppies on an almost daily basis. People from all walks of life. Young and old. Skinny minnies and gals with a little chunk in the trunk. People who have the rest of their shit together enough to know that combining two clothing items specifically designed to be different will end in tears. Let's call them Skorty-Fucks.

Skorty-Fucks can usually be grouped into one of the following four categories (because when I insult people, I like to create over-generalized lists):

'I'm Venus or Serena Williams'
This category is rather exclusive. They’re slim, pretty and have worked really hard to get Nike to PAY for their skorts, but tennis is not an excuse to suck. Exhibit A.

'I'm young and trendy and can get away with it'
No you can't. This category includes some of the most monstrous
skort manifestations. Like pleated skorts. Gah. Subcategories include Preppy-Stuck-In-The-90's Skorty-Fuck and the I'm-A-Teenage-Dumbass Skorty-Fuck. See Exhibit B and Exhibit C.

'I'm old, and think they look sharp'
Let me first say, I'm not crackin' on the old folks. I'm 30 and I never even wear shorts. EVER. Why? Because I imagine the feelings of people outside of Planet Plum. Most folks don't have ‘see some big Dutch legs’ on their daily to-do list. Realizing my limitations, I'm accordingly comfortable covering up my legs. That being said, if you’re 70 and rocking spider veins that make arachnophobics run for therapy, skorts don't work for you. Yes, even if they are at the knee. Yes. YES. Exhibit D.

Babies
Jeebus. The things people do to children*. I know babies are small and fidgety, and wearing a skort instead of a skirt prevents pervy guys from spying hot Pampers action. But if a kid can't wear a skirty item without flipping it over her head like some Huggies exhibitionist, they're not ready for a skirty thing. I can’t believe Sally Struthers isn’t doing commercials to eradicate worldwide child skort wearing. Exhibit E - note the child's confusion.

The reasons skorts suck are innumerable. But hot damn, I love lists. Let’s keep it truckin’.

Bulges
Oh, the plethora thereof. Skorts invariably become scrunched up in unfavorable ways. Examples include:
-Front: The ‘Do you have a secret wang?’ bulge.
-Side: The 'On my off days I'm drunken, big-assed hula dancer’ bulge.
-Back: The ‘Am I really a dude who tucks his junk?’ bulge.
Anyone in favor of bulges? No! At least, not when clothing one's ass region.

Peek-a-boo, I can't see you
Skorty-Fucks can't see the shorts underneath the skirt, so the shorts become periodically wedged-up crotchways in a reeeeeeally unflattering way. Making inner thighs poke out. These folks remain sadly oblivious, due to that skirty flap thing in the front. Which brings me to…

That Flap
What the hell is that flap thing anyway? Like you’re some sort of fucked-up fashion kangaroo. That flap’s supposed to make things look skirty, and as the wearer ponders herself from the front, she thinks everything is safely cutie-pie'd away. But trust me, when your ass is sticking out of your SUV hatchback in the grocery store parking lot, I can see what's going on. I can see much, much more than I ever wanted to.

Look Away, Baby, Look Away
The biggest problem with the skort is really the same as many other global sartorial foibles, it's placed in an area you don't want people to look at. Don't tuck in and put pleats near your waist if you think your waist is chunky. Don't put tassels on your shoes unless you want to accent your old maniness. Don't wear giant, 6-inch tall flip-flops and then think we won't notice that you're a pygmy fashion idiot. Wearing skorts are like placing a big red arrow in an area that doesn’t need one. We don’t wanna see that shit. Dammit.

All of which boils down to two hard and fast rules for skorts.

#1-If you’re not a toddler, you shouldn’t be wearing skorts. If you want to stop, we’ll check you into Skorty-Fucks Anonymous. We still love you. Everyone makes mistakes. There’s hope.
However, if you're more than three years old, wearing skorts and refuse to stop, you should be trotted out into the nearest courtyard and shot. Summarily. No exceptions. We'll still love you, but it's for the good of humanity. Skorty-Fucks Anonymous is starting to sound pretty good, eh?

#2-If you're under three, and someone’s putting skorts on you, we need to call Child Protective Services. Also, if you’re under three and reading this blog, I’m very impressed. If Brittany Spears can get busted for bonking some baby head, the authorities should sure as hell get involved for skorts. For they're far more heinous.

Mateo’s note: I like the skort in theory, because it reminds me of the spork. And thinking about sporks makes Mateo happy, although it is associated with the crappy-ass grade school cafeteria… et cetera, et cetera. In other words, skort=good name, but bad product.

Too long. Time for fruit!

* Like sticking elastic headbands on girl babies with no hair (another post, for another time). No one is fooled into thinking the child has hair, just because there's something in it. You're ostensibly cutting off blood flow to a child’s brain for fashion is never good. Plus, the kid looks stupid and keeps pulling the damn thing off all day. I call bullshit.
______________________________________
Random Fruit Fact: The Dwarf Sumac

"When soaked for 10 - 30 minutes in hot or cold water it makes a very refreshing lemonade-like drink (without any fizz of course)...There are some suggestions that the sap of this species can cause a skin rash in susceptible people, but this has not been substantiated."

See. That skirty rash is totally unproven. Learn more about the Dwarf Sumac, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/28/2006 11:38:00 PM

15 Comments

  1. Blogger mrtl posted at 8:19 PM  
    Oh my! A Plum post I've missed so, and I'm on my way out the door. Damitol.

    I'll read this later. Yay!!
  2. Blogger Squirl posted at 9:37 PM  
    I don't get the skort thing, either. Wear a skirt or shorts. One or the other, period. Of course, I'm not a big fan of cropped pants, either.

    Good post. Nice to see you have time to blog occasionally.
  3. Blogger Squirl posted at 9:37 PM  
    Oh, and I hate those headbands on hairless little girls. That's so sad.
  4. Blogger mrtl posted at 12:55 AM  
    Not that I have a hairless baby, but I feel the need to defend the practice. Some people get Extremely Offended when their sweet little baby girls get mistaken for boys. Hairy and hairless alike get the bands for that reason (amongst others, like how cute they are... which is why I just happened to buy a couple for Jem tonight -- first ones I ever bought. You'll see the cuteness. I'll be sure to post.)
  5. Anonymous daphne posted at 12:13 AM  
    I refuse to get rid of the skorts! However, in my defense, they were purchased at REI solely for bike vacations. I look hideous in shorts. They are troubling, these skorts, and I cannot in good faith argue with any of your arguments. I also agree with the weird headband thing and am holding my breath against the photos of mrtl's JEM in one. They look so uncomfortable... like the skorts can be.
  6. Blogger Annejelynn posted at 3:06 PM  
    LOL - Skorts were an unfortunate result of the 80s and should remain so...
  7. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 10:23 PM  
    Wow, I have totally missed you. :)
  8. Blogger Jen Spedowfski-Martin posted at 10:34 PM  
    Ohmygah....I can't believe I haven't clicked on over to you in so long. Damn I can be a dumb bitch sometimes. So listen, I can't even name what I thought was funniest or most appropriate. Because it all was hilarious and much-needed advise. I bought my daughter these cool, hippie-esque pants at Naarjte at the mall. Get them on her, put them on and realize that in my mall frenzy they are skpants...or whatever. They seriously had me confuzzled and she just starred at me as to say, "Oh holy fuck, this is my mother?!" They had a long ass flap in the front....how I didn't notice it I don't know. Cute pants and they'll be just fine as soon as I perform some fashion surgery to remove the fabric foreskin. Skirt-Pants circumsion.

    Anywho...a quote I think you'll find most apropos is by Oscar Wilde who said something like, "If you have to tell people the truth make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."
  9. Blogger ~*ERY*~ posted at 9:40 AM  
    I feel a need to defend the skort as well. A) My skorts have no pleats or flaps. The shorts part does not show out the backside and look completely ridiculous. B) Its functional! Like Daphne said...bike rides are very difficult in skirts and ick shorts.

    Ok, you're right about the shorts riding up the crotch thing...but I've never had a bulging problem.

    I agree with the hairless baby headband thing wholeheartedly though...they are rather unnecessary. Glad to see you back!
  10. Blogger Kitsune posted at 11:31 AM  
    That was what I needed to brighten my work day: a frank and ernest assessment of how dumb people can be. Hehe. I am sure my co-workers were wondering why I was browsing skorts.

    Scort sounds like snort. That's my witty observation here. Behold my powers of observation... Or make another list. Probably better that way. Too much attention is bad for me...
  11. Blogger Annejelynn posted at 3:25 PM  
    you big tease = come back!
  12. Blogger Annejelynn posted at 6:28 PM  
    yooooo-hoooo? oohhhh, Plummie? where yoo go-go to? (6/26/06)
  13. Blogger Susie posted at 7:02 PM  
    But I can still wear my culottes, right? :p
  14. Blogger Effie posted at 9:08 AM  
    I always thought that skorts were fine (if flat-fronted) and cullottes--the ones that are almost pants-length are just WRONG! I have a cute denim skort, that, come to think of it, never looks right...hmm, maybe you have something there....
  15. Anonymous FashionPolice posted at 12:40 PM  
    Well, lets see...

    If its the SHORTS that have the skirt look in the front? Yes, shoot the designer for that.

    If its a skirt with built in shorts in them but the shorts are longer than hot pants length? Again, find the address and send a rabid gerbil.

    BUT!!!! If its a skirt, and you CANT tell that they have shorts built in them? I wanna shake that ones hand! Let me tell you, I freaking love them...
    Wouldn't I prefer a straight mini? Ya, but how FREAKING ANNOYING it is every 5 secs. having women glancing down and tugging when nothing is wrong with it. If you disagree, well I'd rather go out on a date with a girl that concentrates on me and not her freaking fabrics... but hey, go with what you like. (Maybe an OCD wife is what you're hunting for anyway) You're 30? Blog fooled me there for a sec.
    Just my opinion... relax.

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