Sunday, May 29, 2005

All Up In My Biz-naaaaasssss

It seems my uterus is in high demand these days. Whenever I see friend or family, strangers on the street or freaks at the circus, I'm asked the same question:

"So, are you and Mateo thinking about kids?"

It seems like an innocuous enough question the first, oh, TEN MILLION TIMES you hear it. After that, a little irritation sets in.

Don't get me wrong. I love me some babies. I'd even like to have one or two someday. But with Mateo fresh out of school, and me possibly going BACK to school for the next 5 years, we thought we could wait awhile.

People discuss my ovaries in the same tone of voice that they discuss the weather. "Sunny with partial clouding? And babies? Hot damn!" They act as if it's their socially obligatory RIGHT to know whether I plan on reproducing. When I mention the waiting until I'm done with school, I'm clucked at.

"You're going to be thirty, you need to think about your health!"
"Don't you want your parents to know their grandchildren?"
"It's never going to get any easier, you should just start now!"

"Everything OKAAAAY? There's specialists for that sort of thing, you know."
"You're ripe! Mate already!!!"

When did it become OK to inquire about someone's reproductive health? Hell, in most places you can't even nurse a baby in public, but folks can discuss my potential for conception, fertilization and the state of my reproductive organs with the greatest of social ease.

Since on many occasions the texplanationaination doesn't work (and apparently neither does saying "None of your DAMN business"), Mateo and I have the second line of defense:

Say that we believe in planned abortion.
Run screaming from the room.
Ambiguously mention Mateo's 'industrial accident' and start to cry.

When I mention that this makes me uncomfortable, I get:

"You're making a big deal out of nothing!"
"These folks just want the best for you."
"People just need something to talk about."

So just a heads up for the blog-universe: I'm fine. Reproductive system is fine. When Mateo and I create another person, we'll be sure to tell you all.

Random Fruit Fact: The Tayberry

"Fruit of the tayberry are borne on short, strong laterals on prickly canes 6 to 7 feet long."

Go ahead. Ask me when I'm having a baby, and watch me hit you with my 6-foot, prickly tayberry cane. Learn more about the vicious tayberry, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 5/29/2005 08:54:00 PM


  1. Blogger Susie posted at 9:13 PM  
    SURELY bloggers are too sensitive and enlightened to have made such inquiries. It must be those crass real-worlders. I used to get that a lot. We were married for thirteen years before we reproduced. Can you imagine? The first 7 years, that was by our choice. My MIL was trying to bribe me with ca$h! I did resort to looking sad and saying, "We're trying." Then word got around and people stopped asking. I said that long before it was true.
  2. Blogger Meggan posted at 12:01 AM  
    I've heard you should lightheartedly say, "I don't ask YOU personal questions!" or something of that nature. I don't really know how that would go over if you did, in fact, typically ask that person personal questions though. You could always say that you'll let them know of any news when it happens.

    What do I know though, nobody's started saying that to me yet.
  3. Blogger Ern posted at 1:14 AM  
    People are never satisfied with what you have done, they always want you to get on with what you are going to do next. "So are you seeing anyone?" and when you are, it's, "So, when are you going to get married?" and then when you're married, "So, when are you going to have kids?" When will it end!? Jeez, people, get your own life!
  4. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 9:17 AM  
    Here is what I do when I get asked that. "Yes I know I am 31 but unless you have the 11K to get the husband's vasectomy reversed, shut the fuck up." I am usually just that rude. I am tired of all the questions too. It will be done. I will get knocked up but leave me the fuck alone about it.
  5. Blogger Squirl posted at 9:18 AM  
    People just don't realize how exceedingly rude those types of questions are. Not only is it nosy, but they don't know what problems or heartbreak might be behind the reason for not having kids. But still, for some reason, reproductive questions are still asked. Maybe you should ask the questioners if they still pick their noses.
  6. Blogger Circus Kelli posted at 9:22 AM  
    Oh gawd... the questions, they just never end.

    When are you getting married?
    When are you having kids?
    When are you having another kid?

    Ha! We beat them to the punch, though! We got preggers with our third before they even had a chance to start asking!

    Now, I just run around with my hair all frizzled out and disheveled and look scattered (and think the same way) all the time. If people are stupid enough (yes! I said STUPID!) to have the balls to ask me now when we're having another one, I get a crazed look in my eye, become very still and say "we're not". Heh. Usually, they only ask that one time. :)
  7. Blogger Aurora posted at 11:43 AM  
    I just tell people i don't have time to raise something that is going to grow up hating me and drain my bank account. (Joke...kinda..) But seriously, just tell people it's none of there business.
  8. Anonymous lawbrat posted at 11:56 AM  
    Its like your not truly a couple unless you have kidlets. Thats sucks. Next time, send me an email, I'll ship you mine for a few weeks, and you can tell people you had kids all along...dont they remember? How could they forget you have 2 kids? Are they losing their mind? :-)
    The thing is, you and hubby are building such a strong foundation for your marriage. Your good together without kids now. When and if you decide, and they grow up and leave the house, you'll have that foundation instead of looking at each other wondering what you do when the kids leave the house. Kudos to you for doing it YOUR way. Last time I checked, it was YOUR life.
  9. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 9:18 PM  
    Susie- All of the bloggers I've run into are paragons of mannerly virtue. It's my relatives which chiefly concern me.

    Meggan- Just you wait. Those pesky questions'll come. Unfortunately.

    Super Ern- I'm thinking of making a flowchart for this line of questioning. What's next? Divorce questions?

    SFG- I wish I had your cojones! Do you give nervy-girl lessons?

    Squirl-All the people who ask me these questions TOTALLY pick their noses. In the car. And store their boog gardens under the seat.

    CK- See, this is a good reason to become a parent in the first place. To perfect the 'look of death'. All mothers learn it, and I'm looking forward to forging my own one day. One day FAR FROM NOW.

    Airea- Who could hate you? The fact that you even HAVE a bank account makes you more suited for parenthood than 50% of the general populace. Get your uterus on!

    Lawbrat- I thought it was my life too, but I'll take your kids for a week or two anyway. I love OTHER PEOPLE's kids! May I suggest sending them FEDEX? For tracking purposes?
  10. Blogger Amy posted at 6:38 AM  
    Plum, don't you mind those ejits with their 'concerns' and questions. My older sis has been with her guy for fifteen years, had her first at 36, second at 37.8, and is thinking of going one more time.

    You got lotsa time. My sis used to tell people, "Kids r great but we're gonna wait."
  11. Anonymous kalki posted at 8:04 AM  
    The clucking is the worst. Don't ask if you don't want to hear the answer, assholes.

    And god forbid you buy a house that happens to have a Winnie the Pooh nursery. People see that and get all excited. "Oh, when are you two going to start filling this little nursery?"
    Look grandma, just because a goddamn nursery CAME WITH the house does not mean I'm obligated to fill it up nor does it give you permission to ASK.

    Sorry, touchy subject for me as well. :)
  12. Blogger Candace posted at 8:23 AM  
    Hubby and I got the first baby question AT THE WEDDING. At the time, we were going for the childfree option, so you can imagine my aunt's shock at the answer she got.

    Then two years later, SURPRISE! Ah well. What a great surprise it was.

    So my best friend is getting married for the first time in September (she'll be 34). Her family had long ago given up "the dream" of a marriage for her (because, you know, after 24, she was an old maid). She and her mate are choosing the childfree option, and there really is no chance of a surprise. I told her to be prepared for the baby question AT THE WEDDING...for her especially. I told her to answer with, "Well, Misfit and her husband have already achieved child perfection, so I just don't think we'll be setting ourselves up for heartbreak."

    Good, huh?
  13. Blogger echrai posted at 11:32 AM  
    How utterly irritating. Now tell me, are you thinking of having kids? *hide*

    I'm in a similar boat. The advantage is that thanks to my endless divorce, it's politically inappropriate for anyone to ask us that question yet. Even if we're on either side of the thirty mark and rather obviously planning on taking the plunge eventually. It's only practical to sort out your own lives and schooling first, though. That's what I plan on doing. So I might need to wait until I'm 32 or 33 before I'm out of school and settled in a higher paying job than this one. It'll happen. And if it doesn't, it won't.

    And if anyone asks me, I'll just give them a look and whisper really loudly, "You mean, you want me to have a BASTARD?"
  14. Anonymous LadyBug posted at 12:10 PM  
    I love the "industrial accident" response. I'd go with that one. Or just say, "Nah, we figured we'd just get a gerbil."

    And, for the record, it's pretty much legal to breastfeed anywhere. Folks can get in Big Trouble for denying a breastfeeding woman her right to feed her baby.
    (Sorry. Three kids, all breastfed through their first year (the last of whom I'm still nursing). That one's a touchy subject for me.)
  15. Anonymous buttergun posted at 12:45 PM  
    The questioning really ramps up when you get close to 35. I recently stayed at my sister in laws house. On opening the closet in the room we were staying in the only thing in it was a display shelf full of baby and pregnancy books. Hint hint.
  16. Blogger Circus Kelli posted at 1:50 PM  
    Spurious, doll -- That look of death only works on the first kid. The second one has me totally figured out. The third is learning quickly (too quickly) from the second...

    You could always tell people you're gonna get a baby goat first. If that works out, you'll get a second kid.

    Baaaaaa.... ;)
  17. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 2:02 PM  
    Amy- Ooh, it rhymes. Ii'll try that one. But after that, I'm breaking out the bowie kife.

    Kalki-Yeah! Maybe you just like Winnie the Pooh in your home office. Booyah!

    Misfit- Ah, childbearing serendipity. Nothing like a happy acident. At least, that's what Mama Spurious always called me...

    Echrai- Everybody gets to ask once! Mateo and I may have kids in a few years. Or not. Or maybe we'll adopt one. We're not sure yet. PS- the bastard respons is cooler than a polar bears toenails. You rock.

    Ladybug- don't get me wrong, I think breastfeeding Mama's should be allowed to do whatever the hell they please. People at my current job are picky about that sort of thing and it ticks me off so bad! Fight the anti-breastfeeding power!

    Buttergun- It must be nice to have relitives so subtle...

    CK- Well, Mateo and I don't have a garbage disposal,(yes, it's exactly like living in a third world country)so a goat's sounding pretty damn fine right now. I'd shine its little horns and everything.
  18. Blogger spoonleg posted at 11:38 PM  
    Fuck babies, they shit too much.

    Wanna get drunk?
  19. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 8:50 AM  
    Spoonie- I think we have a what-to-say-when-people-ask-me-if-I-wanna-pop-out-a-kid response winner.

    Liquid lunch? Yes, please!

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