Thursday, May 12, 2005

This'll Embarrass Me More Than It'll Embarrass You

In a week, Mateo and I will be taking trip home to L.A. to attend a wedding, and I got myself a sassy dress. Ahoy, thar be my dress!


* Addendum: not me wearing the dress. I'm much whiter.*

I'll also be wearing big, dangly earrings and a flower in my hair. I'll also be wearing a sweater, so my arm fat won't softly flap in the California breeze.

But I have a problem. I'm stacked, but not stacked enough to fill out the tube toppy thing. The fact that my prudy ass is wearing anything I can call a 'tube toppy thing' is a miracle, but that's a separate post. To fix the tube toppy thing, I headed on down Lord Duncan Dry Cleaners (1st place winners of the 'Most Inventive Dry Cleaning Moniker' contest) for alterations.

A nice, smiley lady ushered me from the front counter into an alterations room, chirping, "You just put your dress on, and I'll be right back."

I didn't wear the "special undies" (strapless bra, etc) that I'll be wearing at the event, so when I zipped up I had major granny bra sticking out of my dress. I was a little embarrassed, but figured, "It's just me and Miss Smiley McChirp-Chirp here. I bet she's got granny-bras too."

As I'm talking to myself (like a loon), some 65 year old DUDE strolls into the fitting room and shouts, "OK!!!!!!!!!, I measure you!!!!!!!!!!" He's screaming, and more importantly, he's a GUY.

Prudy Spurious Brain says:
Um, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, DUDE? I was talking to a lady, and the lady said, "I'll be right back." I'm pretty sure she didn't just cut off her boobs and have a sudden attack of male pattern baldness in the last five minutes, so you're NOT HER. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Spurious Mouth says:
"Um, hi."

Shouting Alterations Guy catches sight of my granny bra and quickly looks away, blushing. He looks around the room for a while, trying to find something to focus on that's not weird for both of us, and settles on my super pink, flip-flop clad feet, shouting, "Raise arms!!!!!!!!!!!!"

During the next 10 minutes, Shouting Alterations Guy doesn't look at anything but my feet. He pins something into place, turns me towards the mirror and stares at my toes, "Look in mirror!!!!!!!!! Looks good!?!?!?!?" And it did. I don't know how he did it, but he managed to alter my dress without directly looking at me, or the dress. Ever.

He finished and shouted, "Please change!!!!!!!!!!" and both of us bolted like a horses at the racetrack. I popped into my clothes and ran out to the register, in a high state of prudy freak out, puffing,"When can I pick it up?"

"Tuesday is fine."

"Who was that guy, anyway?"

She gives me a quizzical look. "Um..."

"The guy who measured me?"

"Um."

"Nevermind."

Maybe it was Lord Duncan...
______________________________________________
Random Fruit Fact: The Mulberry

"The mulberry (Morus spp.), a deciduous fairly fast-growing tree, can become large and very spreading. It produces clusters of small berry-like fruit in the axils of the leaves. The fruit is first green, then pink, finally becoming crimson or purple-red. Mulberries can be eaten fresh, stewed, or made into jams. The leaves are well known as the food for silkworms."

Anyone else have silkworms in elementary school? Learn more about the mulberry, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 5/12/2005 09:42:00 PM

14 Comments

  1. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 9:51 PM  
    I love the dress. You will look great. :)
  2. Blogger Caroline posted at 3:10 AM  
    I'm with Fri. Awesome dress.

    Oh, and if it were me I would be cracking up the whole time that guy stared at my shoes, so you did good.
  3. Blogger Candace posted at 8:03 AM  
    I can't wear tube-toppy things. I, unlike you, am NOT stacked. I am lacking, in fact.

    Stupid boobs.
  4. Blogger Holy Schmidt posted at 9:24 AM  
    Mr. Miagi measured you? Did he how you how to catch flies with chopsticks?
  5. Anonymous lawbrat posted at 9:43 AM  
    You are lookin' hot girlfriend!
    I cant imagine how embarrassed you were...oh my!
  6. Blogger spoonleg posted at 10:29 AM  
    Woah, creepy.

    That dress is WICKED, by the way, and you have the gorgeous shoulders to pull of tube top thingies, believe me. You're gonna look faaaaahbulous at the wedding!
  7. Anonymous LadyBug posted at 10:54 AM  
    You're very brave, young grasshopper, to withstand the foot-melting stares of Lord Duncan with your granny bra shouting HELLO! at him from above.

    And I agree, the dress is very snazzy, indeed. You go, girl!

    (Oh, and here's hoping you don't have to make eye contact with Lord Duncan when you pick up your dress.)
  8. Anonymous TAF posted at 11:05 AM  
    Who's getting married?

    You know who got married-- Steve Bao. You know, that ex-Marine who couldn't say 'vagina', but instead stammered out "hoo-hoo-dilly" through red face and giggles. Mofo got a wedding in Hawaii.
  9. Blogger echrai posted at 12:16 PM  
    That is such an awesome story. I want my very own shouting alterations man. We totally need a Spurious Plum line of action figures. The shouting alterations man should have a pull-string.
  10. Blogger Aurora posted at 12:39 PM  
    Love that dress! You gonna look fantastic.
  11. Blogger marybishop posted at 3:13 PM  
    Great story, great dress...hope you have an every greater time!
  12. Blogger Susie posted at 3:19 PM  
    That was Lord Duncan's cousin, Lord, Dunkin'!

    That is a lovely and happy dress, perfectly suited to its lovely, happy wearer. In my native Hillbillian, you are plum purty:) You wanna borrow my Root Pump to get some BIG SEXY HAIR to wear with that dress?
  13. Blogger laurenbove posted at 3:54 PM  
    I'd prefer lord dunkin'doughnuts coffee...god im tired!

    Love'd that story chica. You'll look smoking and i love a little sweater w/a dress. Excellent choice.

    Have fun and come back with more stories!!
  14. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 11:43 PM  
    FYI Everyone- the pic of the lovely lady in the dress isn't me. Just so you know. I'm also writing this when I'm drunk, so don't take anything to heart. But I loves ya.

    SFG, Caroline, Lawbrizzy, Marybishop, Spoonie and Airea - Thank you, I'll carry your compliments withme on the day of the event, in an effort ot avoid tugging at my outfit. You're all sweethearts.

    Misfit- Stacked is a state of mind. Rock that tube top!!!!

    Holy Schmidt- Now, now... behave. He was a nice man. just reeeeeeeeeeally embarassed.... Are you stacked too?

    Ladybug- There's a band called April's Motel Room that has a song called 'Ladybug', and everytime Isee a commment from you I start singing to myself. Thanks for that!

    Tree y Flower- Cathy's getting married. Yay!
    Echrai- Think twice before you ask for your own alterations guy, It was sooooooooooooooooooo awkward...

    Susie - If I used the root pump my hair would probably take over the worls. It's already as big as a small state...

    Laurenbove- Damn, I haven't had a doughnut in ages. I like the kind with lemon sqishy stuff inside. What's your favorite kind?

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