Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Memo to the Fashion Impaired Public - Rectangle Butt Jeans

Unhappily, I've succumbed to a "fashion don’t"(meaning today's fashion cattiness is directed towards myself). But before you start throwing pointy rocks and screaming “HYPOCRITE!”, please be aware that I didn’t have a choice.

First, a little history: I wear jeans almost every day. Mateo routinely makes fun of me at the laundromat because 90% of our laundry is denim, and belongs to me. It’s worth getting teased, because having 7 pairs of jeans means I only have to do laundry once a week, which I lovelovelove. So when my favorite pair started getting holey, I knew had to fill the gap in my rotation, or face extra laundry. Given the choice, I bet you'd pick shopping too.

At the outset of my jean quest I started noticing a heinous trend. All the jeans were low rise. ALL. Well, all the ones I’d wear in public (since tapered legs, double pleats and bra-level waistlines don't do it for me). While I was disappointed in the overwhelmingly low-waisted selection, I figured if I searched long enough, I'd find jeans that wouldn't expose my pubes everytime I sneezed.

400 stores later and with my denim ethics in tatters, I purchased the ultimate sin…low rise jeans. The ones with 1 centimeter of zipper and that show off your undies. The ones that squeeze your butt into the shape of a rectangle. Oh, the shame.

**RECTANGLE BUTT TANGENT**
"Rectangle butt" is a term Mateo and I use to describe the strange shape a woman's ass takes in low-rise jeans (yes, we DO wile away the days staring at asses together). Low rise jeans were specifically created to make women with NO ass look like they have SOME ass. Butts get squeezed into an odd rectangular shape, and any extra chub gets pushed above the ‘waist’ of the jeans as overflow, creating an illusion of a butt . The downside is that if, like me, you’re already in possession of a big ass, these jeans are a booty magnifying glass.

Since Pittsburgh’s veritable cornucopia of greasy food ensures that there’s plenty of big ass to go around (again, myself included), the rectangle butt watching opportunities here are OUTSTANDING.
**END OF RECTANGLE BUTT TANGENT**

I’m not alone in my low-waisted pergatory, because every chick under 40 in Pittsburgh is wearingthem too (boy, do I wish I had pictures). Pittsburgh generally leaves you with two fashion choices, both of which suck:

- The path of big hair, stretch pants and control-top hose. Or all three.
- The path which leads directly into the more whore-y side of Christina Aguilera’s closet.

Where are the normal jeans? Sure, these are cute, but that ‘my ass is hanging out’ feeling won’t go away. If I stand still and don’t breathe, I’m golden. But if I move or (god forbid) sit down, there’s a sudden, illicit breeziness in places that are VERY MUCH UNUSED TO BEING BREEZED.

Suggestions? My only caveat is that I must try them on. I’m not an internet jean queen…
____________________________________
Random Fruit Fact: The Tamarillo

I love to read stuff like this:

“Nucleotide sequence of the tamarillo mosaic virus coat protein gene”

Get it? Tamarillo ‘genes’? Ah, nothing beats a pun…except some jeans that fucking fit. Read more about Tamarillo genetics (it’s boring, don’t go), here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 6/21/2005 06:47:00 PM

25 Comments

  1. Blogger marybishop posted at 7:10 PM  
    The jean thing makes me crazy. I also have a hell of a time finding a pair that isn't falling off or hiked up so high I feel them in my armpits...there has to be compromise jeans...I found one pair I sort of like, bought them, they aren't super low rise but they aren't to the waist either..thought I was going to be okay but...

    Beware of this kind of jean...it works its way down until the crotch is hanging low, the pubes are peaking out and the crack shows in the back. yUCK
  2. Blogger Candace posted at 7:52 PM  
    I found some! I found some! Of course, I had to suck it up and buy them at The Gap, but for God's sake, they're not low rise. They're the perfect jean and I'm going to buy three more pair next month.

    There's only about 2 inches from my belly button to the top of the jeans, instead of what, like, 12 for low rise? And from the crotch of the jeans to the top? 9 and a half inches. They're perfect.

    They don't say what *kind* they are, just that they're boot cut. But I remember reading all the descriptions, and I think they said something like "classic" or "regular rise" or something like that.
  3. Blogger kittychi posted at 8:19 PM  
    I work in a store that sells many of the "premium denim" jeans...7's, CofH, James, True Religion, AG, Juicy C., Paige...lots of women looking for the same thing you want...cool jeans, but not too low. Try one of these brands: "David Kahn," "Red Engine," "Beau Dawson" or the "AG Legend." They all have really cool washes and have cuts that are not so low. When you have trouble with jeans being too low, you may be long waisted with a long raise. On a short waisted person, the same jeans could fit perfectly. Also, women who are curvy need to stay away from certain cuts of jeans...Paige Denim and True Religion are for only the more slender bodies. 7's, Citizens, James, all fall somewhere in between. It is not uncommon to have to try on 10-20 pair to find the perfect ones, but when you do, its worth it. Then go to Ebay and get more pair of the exact ones for less money. It is also helpful to note whether you fit better into "Rigid" (100% cotton) or "Stretch" (98% cotton, 2% lycra) jeans. That can make a big difference too. Hope all this helps you!
  4. Blogger echrai posted at 8:56 PM  
    The low-rise thing only looks good on walking skeletons or those who have the time and motivation to exercise 4 hours every day. I've got a big butt, I'm short waisted, and they make m me look like a sausage spilling out over its casing. The worst thing about low cut jeans is they make normal women feel fat. They accent and cinch what is supposed to be a normal and glorious curve on the female form. Not rectangularize it so the curve looks like flab! Okay, sorry, personal rant there. I can't wait for this stupid fad to end. And i refuse to buy more jeans until then. Luckily, I -can't- wear jeans on a daily basis other than for the 4 waking hours I'm at home in the evenings. So they don't wear out too fast. :)
  5. Anonymous Browen posted at 10:33 PM  
    I have low-rise jeans and I've come to the conclusion that you're completely right about the making big asses look bigger thing. BABY GOT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!

    On another note-I think my mum was raving about the same jeans you're talking about. I wish I still lived at home, I'd steal my mum's clothes *sighs dreamily*
  6. Blogger Caroline posted at 10:47 PM  
    My waist is freakishly high, so it's either low rise from Old Navy, or Urkel Pants. I choose Old Navy.
  7. Blogger Closet Metro posted at 8:10 AM  
    A friend of mine refers to the butt-crack baring low risers as "Paris Hilton Jeans" and ended up being a top google hit for said name.

    "booty magnifying glass" made me spill my coffee. Thanks for the mess.
  8. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 8:25 AM  
    I can not deal with low rise jeans. Not all of us look like models and the jeans people gotta get that through their tiny little minds.
  9. Blogger Suzanna Danna posted at 9:07 AM  
    Plum, darling… try
    these? I have a pair and they are divine. As a matter of fact, I am about to go get another as I have worn them so much that they are about paper thin in the crotch-al area and I must replace them before I show the world my ass… or worse. They are available in all sizes and probably (because they are Levi’s) available all over. Department stores, boutiques… everywhere. And they won’t cost you a car payment. And I HAVE A BackYard… and I’m not talking real estate here. Major bootie. Hope this helps. :)
  10. Blogger Random and Odd posted at 10:26 AM  
    I could BURST into tears just thinking about the jean problem.

    No...god...don't make the tears start...too late.
  11. Blogger Circus Kelli posted at 10:37 AM  
    You've discovered this, too? Thank goodness, I thought I was just "getting old" because I didn't want to wear jeans that I would have to hike up to uncomfortable proportions to prevent anyone seeing evidence that I indeed had two c-sections every five minutes.

    I even went so far as to copy down the numbers from the little tag in the waistband of my favorite jeans (what I could still distinguish), and went online to find them, only to find out that they pretty much DO NOT EXIST anymore because young people apparently have more money to spend on "jeans of the moment".

    I did, in fact, succumb to ONE pair of boot cut, longer, low rise jeans, and for five seconds felt pretty cool wearing them. Then Hubby saw me and said "They just don't look like they fit right." Perhaps they shaped my "Mom Butt" into a rectangle...

    Heh, maybe I *am* old. Naaaa.... ;)

    I say, you and I go shopping, try on every pair of jeans on the planet, give up and go have hot fudge brownie sundaes. :)
  12. Anonymous TAF posted at 11:04 AM  
    What, you don't wear your jeans more than once? I wear my jeans at least five times before I wash them (and if I don't spill anything), which means by your rule, I wouldn't have to do laundry more than once a month, and not even that.

    But then there is the question of clean socks and undies, and those, I do NOT recycle. Because I'm not disgusting.
  13. Blogger Torrie posted at 11:19 AM  
    Old Navy makes an "at waist" boot cut jean.
    I have them and they are perfect. They don't look like mom jeans, and they don't gap at the waist like most jeans do because of my HUGE ass.
  14. Blogger Aurora posted at 11:20 AM  
    I actaully think low rise jeans are pretty comfortable. However the hard part is finding a pair that are not *really really low*. Just wear longer shirts would be my only suggestion. I'm sure you look fabulous in them, so don't fret.
  15. Blogger Weetzie posted at 11:21 AM  
    Suzanna Danna beat me to it, I "still" wear Levis which in my "younger days" were the ONLY COOL jeans EVER! I buy mine in the guys department to get the right fit. You never know....
  16. Anonymous Browen posted at 6:00 PM  
    An FYI about Old Navy jeans (the stretch ones) get them a size smaller than you normally wear even if they feel a little snug. They WILL get bigger.
  17. Blogger mrtl posted at 3:48 AM  
    I like the imprint my rectangle-butt jeans make on my chair. Some day I shall take a picture of my ass print in your honor.
  18. Anonymous ornery_chick posted at 10:27 AM  
    You need blokey-pants. Seriously, I'm wearing a pair of my husband's carpenter-style jeans today, and they are comfortable, cover all the bases, and totally have better, deeper pockets than what you get in most women's jeans.

    And as regards the butt...honestly, I know. I'm a bicycle commuter who rides around a lot in her own time, and what I lack in boobs I make up for in glutes. These loose-fit guy jeans are working, though. No wedgie, no camel-toe, no rectangle butt, no pudge. These were from Kohls under the "Sonoma" brand.

    Otherwise, I make my own jeans and dress trousers, which is not a practical alternative for most people, but I have some hella cute girl jeans that I made for myself, with a compromise between the coochie-cutter low-rise and the armpit-warmer high-rise waist.
  19. Blogger kt77 posted at 4:27 PM  
    dude, seriously, one day of wear per pair of jeans? at least three days before washing. seriously. then you can keep the precious pairs that fit right for longer.
  20. Anonymous kalki posted at 7:44 PM  
    I am the pickiest jean shopper ever. It's ridiculous. I love jeans but HATE to shop for them. But I do love the low rise ones because they actually give my assless self a nice lil' booty.
  21. Blogger kilowatthour posted at 5:01 PM  
    here's what i hate about jeans: they shrink. which is very bad with low rise ones, because of midriff overhang. and postprandial strangulation of the waist area. ow. also, i have been alerted to the existence of rectangle butt, and it is everywhere! we need a jeans revolution.
  22. Anonymous lawbrat posted at 6:23 PM  
    Suzanna Danna's comment, and link...OMG. I did a post on a 'good ass' day. THOSE ARE THE JEANS! I have an ass. Its not small. Its big. I LOVE THOSE JEANS. They are awesome jeans. Not too low, not too high (bra level) and the dont draw attention the the lower tummy pooch thingy.

    YEAH!
  23. Blogger Buddha Bong posted at 8:11 PM  
    OK - YOU PEOPLE LEAVE ME NO CHOICE!

    I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE. YOU OTHER BROTHERS CAN'T DENY, THAT IF A GIRL WALKED IN WITH AN ITTY-BITTY WASTE AND A ROUND THING IN YOUR FACE YOU'LD GET SPRUNG!

    Sorry. I could no longer control myself.

    http://hatleyman.blogspot.com/
  24. Anonymous Anonymous posted at 8:58 PM  
    Right on Hatley! As a fellow butt man, and also an admirer of the exposed navel, I can only applaud the fashion industry's determination to make American women look all slutty.

    So now that plum has the low-rise jeans, is the inevitable next step the EXPOSED THONG? The suspense is building...

    Marc
  25. Blogger miriam posted at 9:20 PM  
    I have no hips, so I need a waist to keep my pants up. I bought a pair of somewhat low-rise jeans, wore them a few times and found they had s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d. In fact, they started falling down. I had to hold them up with one hand.
    Fortunately, I was in Macy's at the time, so I bellied up to the belt counter and bought the cheapest belt they had that was, I don't know, 38 inches long. Ripped off the price tag, put on the belt, and cinched it so tight I nearly bisected myself, but they stayed up.

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