Monday, June 20, 2005

100 Things You Don't Have To Read

1. I have a big butt.

2. I'm know most people think they have a ‘big butt’ too. Mine’s bigger.

3. Banana Republic salespeople mocked my butt, and I‘ll never shop there again.

4. My love for my husband is like a fiery thing in my chest.

5. I can't cook.

6. I’m not sure if I want to own a house, and feel weird for not wanting to.

7. When I’m nervous, I get chatty.

8. Upon exiting a nervousness-inducing situation, I berate myself for my chattiness.

9. I almost have perfect pitch. Almost. So does Papa Spurious. We've determined that most electrical appliances hum in E flat.

10. I was originally left handed, but my kindergarten teacher took it upon herself to ‘fix me’.

11. Because I loved my kindergarten teacher, I learned to write with my right hand, just to make her happy.

12. As a result of switching hands, my writing looks like donkey shit.

13. At anything other than writing, I’m ambidextrous.

14. I drink more diet coke than I should.

15. I hid my engagement to Mateo from my parents for 9 months.

16. When I told them about my engagement, they somehow already knew, and I felt like a total ass.

17. I have to sleep with a fan/AC on, or I feel like I’m suffocating. Even when it’s really cold.

18. I’ve never tried an illegal drug. Reality's hard enough.

19. I believe I've a right to wear flip-flops whenever and wherever I please.

20. I have a crappy memory. If I don't write stuff down, I forget it when I see something shiny.

21. I’m ridiculously close to my family. Nuclear, extended and adopted.

22. There were no other children in my neighborhood growing up. So until I went to school, my parents were my best friends. In some ways they still are.

23. My parents 'unofficially retired' this year and it's made me uncomfortably aware of their increasing age.

24. I’m terrified they’ll die and I’ll be an orphan.

25. I’m not good at calling people.

26. I pray after Mateo is asleep.

27. I’m fickle. I’ll be totally obsessed with something for 4 days, and then completely forget about it.

28. Because of the fickle-ness, shoe shopping is a dangerous game for me to play.

29. I know 600 ways to insult you in Spanish.

30. I like my eyebrows.

31. All my grandparents are gone, and when I think about them it makes me cry.

32. When I get really mad, I clam up.

33. I’m lucky to have a husband who will pry stuff out of me when I clam up.

34. I’m bad about hanging up my clothes. I drape them over our bedroom chair.

35. Without mascara, I look like I have 6 eyelashes. Total.

36. I’m a total crack whore for reading YOUR blogs and reading YOUR comments.

37. I hate the way coffee tastes, but I love the way it smells.

38. I wasn't afraid of bugs until we moved to Pennsylvania and I found a centipede in the tub.

39. When I’m in California, my father and I try to go out to breakfast every weekend.

40. I’m a ‘Daddy’s girl’.

41. When I laugh really, really hard, I tear up.

42. I’m a friendly drunk. I’ll talk to ANYONE.

43. I sing a mean version of ‘Kiss’ by Prince.

44. I also do a mean duet with Mateo of AC/DC’s ‘Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap’.

45. I wore a backstage pass bracelet from my favorite band’s concert for 2 years.

46. It wasn't gross. I washed it every day in the shower. With soap.

47. When best friend asked me to cut it off for her wedding, I laughed and told her to go to hell.

48. If I get mad, Mateo just laughs at me, and it makes me laugh, too.

49. I think parmesan cheese smells like puke.

50. I love it when my friend Mike’s mom calls me ‘mija’.

51. I love amaretto sours, Hoegaarden, and kamikaze shots.

52. At 29, I’ve just discovered the ‘right’ way to put my hair in a ponytail.

53. I hate wearing make-up.

54. I hate how I look in pictures without makeup.

55. When I was 4, I stuffed a seashell up my nose and had to go to the hospital.

56. I have no idea what I was thinking when I stuffed a seashell up my nose.

57. I love Mexican food, real Mexican food.

58. I don’t follow the Los Angeles Dodgers, or even know who’s currently on the team, but I consider myself a fan.

59. My first memory is holding Papa Spurious’ big index finger with my little hand, as we walked back from the park.

60. My second memory is stepping in dog poo.

61. I’ve never broken any bones.

62. I shattered a front tooth by shooting myself in the face with one of those ponytail holders with marbles. I was watching 'Herbie The Love Bug'.

63. I'm mushy sometimes, and it embarrasses me.

64. Before I came to Pittsburgh, I was the singer in a band called A Rough Trick Named Jim.

65. I feel incredibly stupid and egotistical saying this, but I can sing pretty well.

66. I want to start a new band when I get back to LA.

67. I’m afraid that because I’m almost 30, I’m be too old to be in a new band.

68. Paradoxically, if anyone almost 30 approached me and was afraid to start a new band, I’d tell them to quit being stupid and get started.

69. I’m immature and laughing, because this is number SIXTY-NINE.

70. I like getting tipsy with my husband.

71. I don’t usually get hangovers.

72. I need 8 hours of sleep, or at 4PM the next day I turn into a cranky bitch.

73. I’m kind of handy. I can install things, fix the VCR, and sand sticky doors.

74. When I drink tea, I like it with milk and shitloads of honey.

75. Though I work in a doctor’s office, I hate visiting a doctor for my own health.

76. When my pupils are dilated, they stay that way for 48 hours.

77. I worked in a art gallery when I got out of college, even though it meant I had to eat ramen.

78. I introduced my two best friends to each other, and they got married.

79. Church hymns make me cry. Especially ‘In the Sweet By and By’.

80. I’m apparently pretty damn weepy.

81. I call my Mom 2-3 times a week.

82. If you tell me I HAVE to do something, I'll resist. Based on principle. Yep, even if you're right.

83. My mother’s undergraduate studies were in botany, and as a result, I know the names for lots of plants.

84. I hatehatehate Reese Witherspoon, and I have no idea why.

85. I also hate that flutterflutter noise that vertical blinds make.

86. I like 2 dollar words. Like obstreperous and impecunious.

87. I have enough hair for 6 people growing out of my head.

88. Every morning, all that hair winds up on our bathroom floor, but somehow I’m not bald.

89. I believe in God, but not in church. My family got screwed by religious institutions, and I don’t trust them yet.

90. People meet me and say that I don’t “seem” like I’m from LA.

91. I’m not sure if this is an insult or a compliment.

92. I’ve only had 2 serious boyfriends. I liked them both, but married the perfect one for me.

93. I can almost juggle.

94. I’ll trust and love anyone until they give me a good reason not to.

95. Once you’ve given me a good reason not to trust you, we’re done for good.

96. I don’t suffer fools gladly.

97. I don’t get really angry often (3 times in the past 10 years maybe). But when I do, I’m capable of anything. ANYTHING.

98. When I was small, Mama Spurious tricked me into wearing my seatbelt by screaming "seatbelt race!" whenever we got into the car. We'd rush to put them on, and congratulate each other, since most of the time she called it a draw. I still think of that every single time I put on a seatbelt.

99. I love all types of music. Everything. Yes, even rap and country. Except Linkin Park and Good Charlotte. I fucking hate those guys.

100. I can't shake the feeling that flossing is for suckers. Don't be mad. I don't mean you.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 6/20/2005 07:14:00 PM

35 Comments

  1. Blogger Ilanna posted at 7:24 PM  
    that is a wonderful wonderful WONDERFUL list... :)

    Thanks for sharing.
  2. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 8:02 PM  
    We have so much in common that it is FRIGHTENING.
  3. Blogger Susie posted at 8:02 PM  
    That went so fast, I had to scroll back up to make sure there were 100! You bring out the mush in me. I like you more and more :)
  4. Anonymous Browen posted at 8:06 PM  
    LOL Judging by your list we're quite a bit alike (though I can't cary a tune to save my life).

    When you're incredibly nervous have you noticed how the things that come out of your mouth sometimes have no context to the conversation whatsover or is that just me? :P
  5. Anonymous kalki posted at 8:57 PM  
    Great list! I love that you think of that game with your mom every time you put on your seatbelt.
  6. Blogger Buddha Bong posted at 9:19 PM  
    I don't want to own a house either...but as I am the male in my marriage - I have no choice.

    And the hippies...they were the last of Austin, TX. LOL

    http://hatleyman.blogspot.com/
  7. Blogger Torrie posted at 10:22 PM  
    Wow, we have a lot in common. I hope that trip to NY works out so we can compare J-Lo asses.
  8. Blogger Meggan posted at 3:36 AM  
    Oh god, I totally share your hate for Linkin Park.
    I loved #9, so now you can probably find me with a keyboard, hovering near my mini-fridge.
  9. Blogger marybishop posted at 7:29 AM  
    Get that band going as soon as you land in CA. You must - so all of us can brag about you and say we knew you when....

    Life experience adds depth to a beautiful voice...just the voice doesn't do it. You are now poised on the precipice of your new life, your new you. Go for it!

    (PS I linked to you in the cranberry post as I should have done originally since my subject was fruit...)
  10. Blogger Circus Kelli posted at 7:52 AM  
    So, I'm reading along. Smiling at some of these, and getting a sense of who you are and smiling at that and thinking that I do some of these things, when I come to this:

    87. I have enough hair for 6 people growing out of my head.

    WHAT?! You have SIX PEOPLE GROWING OUT OF YOUR HEAD?!

    I *totally* did NOT know that about you...
  11. Blogger Effie posted at 8:15 AM  
    Ooh--what's the proper way for putting in a pony tail?? I need to know!

    I think I have "enough hair for 6 people growing out of my head" too--and more than half of it always seems to be brushed out in the morning--my hair is everywhere! It was funny because when I first started dating my hubby, he found 1 of my hairs in his car and he tied it around his steering wheel to remember me--I told him he'd soon be sick of finding my hair everywhere and he didn't believe me....now he believes me!

    Great list!!
  12. Blogger Effie posted at 8:54 AM  
    BTW--you're officially on my blogroll now!
  13. Anonymous SierraBella posted at 8:57 AM  
    I also need to know the correct way to put in a ponytail!
    Gee, I'm pretty old to need instructions...

    Wish I could sing well, but I am waaaaay better than most of the early American Idol contestants.
  14. Blogger Nilbo posted at 9:03 AM  
    I have absolutely no need to learn how to do a ponytail properly. What I need is the hair to do it. Not that I'd have a ponytail.

    This list made me love you a little bit, but then I realized it was just because you're so much like me. So really, I'm loving on myself which .. is not such a bad thing, compared to the alternatives.
  15. Blogger Weetzie posted at 9:04 AM  
    I like you, I really like you! ;)
  16. Blogger Suzanna Danna posted at 9:06 AM  
    I have just been alerted to the fact that you and I are twins, separated at birth… living the same lives… all except a few tee-tiny little things.
    1) I have never lived in PA or CA.
    2) I do not have perfect pitch.
    3) I never had the pleasure of working in an art gallery, but I was “moving art” several times in college as part of the dance company for hoity toity fund raisers. I know, it doesn’t count.
    And finally…
    4) My hair is not that thick (damn you… this is my jealousy rearing its’ ugly, thin-haired head).
    In conclusion… love you, mean it.
  17. Blogger Susie posted at 9:24 AM  
    Oh, I just read your comments, and speaking of twins, I don't think I ever told you this, but one of my clients could be your twin. Not just in appearance, although there is a strong resemblance; she just reminds me of you. She is brilliant, adorable, kind, deep, zany, strong . . . oh, she is the originator of "motherfucker stole my lunch!" And I know you had such an affinity for that!
  18. Blogger Colleen posted at 9:49 AM  
    there were so many of these that made me say "amen, sister!"

    plum, i will NOT go to banana republic now. and i'll remember you the next time I get an event bracelet. and when i break into tears when i'm laughing so hard.

    great list!!
  19. Blogger Crankenpants posted at 9:59 AM  
    There's a right way to put your hair in a ponytail. Please tell me I'm not doing this wrong too. You HAVE to share. :P
  20. Blogger Nessa posted at 10:29 AM  
    I could comment on almost every one of those, but then my comment would be really really long, so I'm just gonna say that I WUV YOU! You rock!
  21. Blogger Candace posted at 10:34 AM  
    I got to about, oh, number 10 or so and I realized I needed to write down which ones were like me, too. When I got done and counted, I discovered that my not-so-secret, non-lesbian (not that there's anything wrong with that) crush on you is totally justified: I agree with or have experienced 80% of your list.

    But I'll only comment on a couple:

    20. Yep, me...hey, look! Sparkly!
    69. hehehehehehehehe
    79. I started singing it in my head as soon as I read it. My particular weep inducing hymn is "Amazing Grace". It's not fair that my Southern family has it sung at every single funeral.
    82. I could not agree with you more.
  22. Blogger Aurora posted at 11:30 AM  
    I think parmesan cheese smells like puke too... but i still put it on my pasta...i will totally fly out to LA just to see you in a band!
  23. Blogger the niffer posted at 11:40 AM  
    I think we were separated at birth. Except for the left-handed thing, but my husband's a lefty, so that has to count for something.
  24. Blogger the niffer posted at 11:41 AM  
    Oh, and number 18.
  25. Blogger kilowatthour posted at 12:57 PM  
    But we DO have to read them, Plum! You're plumtastic. Also, I think parmesan smells like feet. Anyone? Feet?
  26. Blogger Ern posted at 1:11 PM  
    1. That BR salesperson should crawl up his/her own tiny ass and try THAT on for size.

    2. Mmmmmmm...diet coke.......yummy!

    3. It's not a really good laugh unless there are tears and people making fun of you. :)

    4. I think God is bigger than church.

    5. I enjoyed reading your list, even though I didn't HAVE to do it. :)
  27. Blogger Effie posted at 2:47 PM  
    Yup, parmesan stinks--like feet--but if you get past the smell, it doesn't taste too bad...it's like that with many stinky cheeses....

    and, I'm also left-handed...
  28. Blogger ~*ERY*~ posted at 11:07 PM  
    I found your blog by clicking th 'Next Blog' button a couple times. Andi have tosay Im soooo glad I did. You sound like an absolutly amazing person. You are like me and my two bes friends all rolled up into one person (which would be weird because I think we would eat each other when we PMS'd but anyway)I loved your list and the fact that you are a crack whore for reading others blogs and their comments is cool. So I think I will leave my blog page here. ALong with the note tat you are really the only person who has it. Its interesting who we trust isn't it?

    http://spiritroo.blogspot.com
  29. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 3:46 PM  
    Ilanna- Thank you! And thanks for visiting!

    SFG- I told you that we're twins...

    Susie- You're the bestest Susie. The feeling is absolutely mutual! P.S. I'm sure I'd love the 'motherfucker stole my lunch' person, but would it be a breach of confidentiality to tell me what's WRONG with my PSYCHO twin? Just want to make sure I shouldn't be, um, seeing someone...

    Browen- I ramble when I'm NOT nervous too...If they had a tangent contest, I'd be in the finals for sure.

    Kalki- It's funny, because I brought it up to her, and she doesn't remember it. We'll have to start playing again.

    Hatleyman- Keep the faith! Mateo wants a house even less than I do!

    Torrie- I really want to come, but be aware that I'll totally win any ass contest you cook up.

    Meggan- Goddamn they suck so bad...Tell me what notes you find!

    Marybishop-Thanks for the link! (You don't have to, you know. I'm not some kind of fruit maven.)

    CK- Like medusa, but with folks instead of snakes.

    Effie- Thanks for the blogroll! I'll try to post ponytail pictures soon. And I'll try, but I'm just not sure I can get over parmaesan's pukiness...

    Sierrabella- Ponytail picutres are hopefully on their way. Sing your heart out!

    Nilbo- I'm proud to be a party to your narcisissm. It's an honor.

    Weetzie- Back at you, honeybee!

    Suzanna Danna- Time to rectify this. Move to PA and will sit next to my fridge and hum all day. And here's some love, comin' back to ya!

    Crankenpants- Pictures soon! Promise!

    Sillynessa- Feel better soonsoonsoon. We're worried abut you!

    Misfit- Yay! Misfit crush! But where's the lesbian part? I want it all, baby!

    Airea- Sweet, a fan! Thanks(want my cheese?).

    Niffer- Now if I could just get me some pigits...

    Kilowatthour- YES! That's the mystery secondary smell I couldn't put my finger on! Feet! I think I'm gonna throw up now...

    Ern- Could I film. the BR salesperson climbing in their own ass? Cause I think I'd win some money for that. Thanks for wading through the whole hundred!

    Ery- Welcome! Thanks for stopping by! I'll make sure to visit!
  30. Anonymous Anonymous posted at 4:17 PM  
    wow my friend sent me your list and we have decided taht you are us two and our other best friend all in one person. i just thought i would let you know cuz i was really shocked at it, and it completely made my day.
  31. Anonymous buttergun posted at 1:28 AM  
    I started boycotting Banana Republic 4 years ago when I went in thinking I would do all of my Christmas shopping in one lunch hour only to be repulsed by the fact that if you sneak a peak at the size the manikins are wearing it is double zero, not zero, but double zero. That means to be a Banana Republic beauty you must be a double nothing. The symbolism is deafening.

    p.s. What kind of gallery?
  32. Blogger Annejelynn posted at 9:37 PM  
    haven't yet finished reading this one, but must pause to say: I like your eyebrows too
  33. Blogger Annejelynn posted at 9:39 PM  
    I stuck a spanish peanut up my nose - I totally remember doing this and I have not a clue why I did it - nor do I remember having a reason at the time
  34. Blogger Annejelynn posted at 9:45 PM  
    I realllllly enjoyed this post - you're the yummiest cutie! do you have a dog? I was driving through Silver Lake last weekend - will be in LA this coming weekend too - and I slammed on the breaks thinking I saw you ~ but then I nearly got rear-ended and continued driving, neck craned, looking back behind me while driving, my honey-man completely baffled as to WTF had just happened
  35. Blogger Annejelynn posted at 6:05 PM  
    still wondering if it was you I had seen that day... was in LA over the past weekend and went to Poquito Mas. Grinned to myself as I drink a huge glass of horchata!

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