Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Dental Retribution

Remember when I posted the 100 things? You know, a few days ago? Remember how #100 on my list was “I can't shake the feeling that flossing is for suckers”? Well, the Floss Gods heard me talking trash, and gave me a fatty cosmic bitch slap for my trouble.

On Monday, immediately after I posted my list of 100 things, I heard a sound.

Hey.” It was coming from the back of my mouth.

“God? Is that you?” The last time I spoke with Mr. Back Of My Mouth was after my wisdom teeth were extracted (it wasn’t a fulfilling conversation, just a lot of cussing and screaming. He was PISSED), so I was a little rusty.

Hey.” Mr. BOMM tried again.

“Hey what? Did I scratch your tender gumminess on something? You know, sometimes ‘hey’ just doesn’t cut it, Buster. You’ll have to be a little more specific.”

Um, hey.

“Screw you, buddy.”

After successfully ignoring my own mouth, I went about my business until yesterday afternoon. Mr. BOMM decided to take his slimy campaign for my attention to the next level.

Hey!!!!!

“What?!?! What do you want? Did I eat popcorn? Noooooooooo, I never eat popcorn, because if I do, your pink ass drives me nuts hiding corn hulls in my molars for weeks. If you’re annoyed, just tell me what the problem is. TELL ME!”

Hey!!!!!

“Ohgoddammit, fuck off.”

The real trouble started last night, as I was brushing my teeth. As I brushed in the general area of Mr. BOMM’s bottom left side, he made his true intentions known.

“HEY BITCH! CUT THAT SHIT OUT! OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!” Mr. Bomm was officially pissed.

“Finally, asshole. Now just stop screaming…”

“HEY! STOP BRUSHING ME OR I SWEAR, I’LL BLEED ALL OVER THIS CRAPPY BRUSH OF YOURS! OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!”

“Fine, just calm down and…”

“DID I STUTTER?!?!?!? DIDN’T YOUR MAMA TEACH YOU HOW TO LISTEN????? I SAID CUT THAT SHIT OUT! OWOWOWOWOW!!!”

“OK! OK! We’ll call the drop-in dental clinic first thing tomorrow, OK?”

Hey.”

“Can it, smartass. Here’s some Advil. Now shut up.”

I’ll skip the part where Mr. BOMM used his plaque-y wiles to wake me at 4AM and ensure my continued wakefulness until the dental clinic opened. And I’ll spare you the, “It’s-not-popcorn-I-swear-I-didn’t-eat-any-what-do-you-mean-it’s-an-abcess" story. All you need to know is that if I had been a flossing queen, Mr. BOMM and I may never have been reacquainted. And I would've liked that just fine.

Just remember, if you decide to publicly mock the Floss Gods, EXPECT some sort of squishy retribution.
______________________________
Random Fruit Fact: The Raveena Eggplant

“Don't wait for this Eggplant to turn purple -- it stays green all season, with very tender skin and a delicious mild flavor. Harvest it as small as 3 inches for ultra-tender fruit”

I’m still not sure if eggplants are fruits or veggies. But at least they’re tender, and tender is sounding pretty good to Mr. BOMM and I, right now…Learn more about the raveena eggplant, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 6/22/2005 03:58:00 PM

20 Comments

  1. Blogger kilowatthour posted at 4:56 PM  
    ow! abscess = bad. also, are you filled with glee whenever you write? because i sure am a gleeful reader.
  2. Blogger Kitsune posted at 5:17 PM  
    Ow. Just plain ow.

    But, man, you are funny!
  3. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 5:29 PM  
    I know, the floss gods bit me in the ass too. Now I am a faithful flosser.
  4. Blogger Aurora posted at 6:40 PM  
    i ate popcorn a few days ago and my gumms are still swollen in the back from stupid corn hull. I'm currently trying to ignore it.
  5. Blogger Squirl posted at 7:29 PM  
    I am lucky that I am a water drinker because I didn't floss for years. At least, I think the water helped keep my teeth clean as the hygienist thought I was flossing. Well, I decided that flossing was not such a bad thing. I probably only miss about two nights a year when I'm just too tired.

    I got Ichabod to start flossing, too. He complained about his biannual dental cleaning visit. It hurt and made him bleed. I told him flossing is the only way. He's sold now, too.

    Keep up the flossing. Don't need to know that your gums even exist. :-)
  6. Blogger mrtl posted at 3:49 AM  
    You are the PSA queen.
  7. Blogger Nilbo posted at 7:04 AM  
    Having endured the incredible pain of abscesses, and lost four teeth because of them, I could totally relate to all this. Flossing is good, kids. My problem has always been a small mouth and large hands ... and yes, kids ... feel free to draw any conclusions you wish.
  8. Blogger marybishop posted at 8:02 AM  
    The Sonicare toothbrush is the bomb. It practically flosses...it's as close to flossing as you can get without flossing.

    I adore my toothbrush and wish everyone had one. It is that good. It can find a single popcorn hull in a flash. It also locates poppyseeds below the gumline.

    Get one and you'll thank me for life...

    This is not a paid testimonial!
  9. Blogger Crankenpants posted at 8:29 AM  
    Isn't that the way it always goes? Same with kids. If they here you tell anyone that they're sleeping through the night they keep you up every two hours for the next three months.

    I'm not bitter.

    Hope you're feeling better.
  10. Blogger Torrie posted at 11:48 AM  
    Karma is a fucking bitch.
  11. Blogger spoonleg posted at 4:02 PM  
    Wow, I just got back from the dentist, too! I don't want to jinx myself or enrage my own personal Mr. BOMM, but I have to say it... fuck flossing. I've never done it and probably never will. My teeth are doing just fine (knock on wood). To be perfectly honest, I've always hated the taste of toothpaste, too, so when I brush I use the most miniscule amount of paste that is humanly possible to squeeze out of that tube. A tube of toothpaste will seriously last me like a year. For 22 years I never had ONE SINGLE CAVITY, until a few years ago I started having the BOMM pain and lo, came to realize that I needed a root canal. OH. GOD. That shit was awful, so now I have vowed to go to the dentist more frequently in order to catch cavities EARLY before they turn into the fucking grand canyon and cause me to be able to only chew on one side of my mouth. Still, I'd consider myself pretty lucky in the dental department, especially considering my neglectfulness. I will now TRY to do better with brushing but truly, I don't think I'll ever take up flossing. Just being honest.

    Sorry to hear of your painful event! I hope they gave you lots of good dope to make it worth your while. Please do an audioblog while your mouth and tongue are still numb... that would be the shiznit.
  12. Blogger marybishop posted at 5:39 PM  
    IDB to read comments and to say hope your tooth is better!
  13. Blogger Squirl posted at 7:16 PM  
    I hate to tell you guys but flossing is really worth it. I just went for my cleaning today and it went so fast. Teeth and gums are doing great. Gum disease really sucks, folks. It'll hurt and make your teeth fall out. Flossing ain't so bad. *Steps off of soapbox*
  14. Anonymous kalki posted at 7:46 PM  
    See, I wish I hadn't read this because I am WAY paranoid about jinxing myself as it is, and now whenever I say something, anything, I am going to think, "Shit, now that's going to happen to me. If it happened to Plum, it will happen to me." Just super.
  15. Blogger ~*ERY*~ posted at 11:16 PM  
    So I tried flossing for two days awhile back and thenI stopped. I just couldn't do it, it was hard and it added at least 7 minutes to my morning "get ready time". I had to get up early to floss! Nope no way no how not gonna happen. So I gave it up.

    When I told a friend of mine that you were like three of us rolled into one person she suggested we get ourselves a fan club. She suggested two names:it could be the "Three Musketeers and the Plum Club" or, and I swear she hadn't been told about your love of fruit yet, the "Fruit Basket Fan Club". I about jumped out of the car, I was so suprised she said that. Just thought you might care to know that you are now officially involved in a fruit basket.
  16. Blogger Caroline posted at 3:14 AM  
    And that's why there's floss in my purse.
  17. Blogger Circus Kelli posted at 8:31 AM  
    Oh Plummie, I'm so sorry. Mr. BOMM can be a real pain, can't he? I hope you're feeling better.
  18. Blogger Random and Odd posted at 12:04 PM  
    HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    If that's the case...I don't remember publicly mocking my overies!!
  19. Blogger Torrie posted at 1:08 AM  
    Where you at, ho?
  20. Blogger poot posted at 1:32 AM  
    eggplants are fruits.

    if it has a seed, it is a fruit.
    fruits we know and love: apple, cherry, strawberry, avocado, pumpkin, cucumber, banana.

    if it is a part of the plant that does not contain a seed, it is a vegetable.
    some faithful old vegetables include: potatoes and carrots (roots), celery and rhubarb (stems), lettuce and spinach (leaves).

    who's a geek?

    ps, hope your mouth feels better. my gums always feel like they're one unreturned phonecall away from becoming my enemies.

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