Wednesday, June 15, 2005

IT Dude Story - Part Deux

So I need a cable internet connection in the conference room at work. There’s a little socket already installed that’s pretty and numbered for my convenience, just not active. When I call IT Dude to activate the completely free internet service (I prefer calling him, because IT Dude is scary and wants to smooch all the women in my office), he tells me I have to fill out a 566 page form and offer my first born on an altar made of donkey eyes. And he tells me my department must PAY for the privilege of doing so.

Well, none of that shit’s happening.

This seems complely ridiculous (and I'm coming down off my diet coke caffeine high, so I'm a little peevish), so I ask if I can turn it on, you know, MYSELF.

“Ma’am, here’s how to turn on your service.” He sounds like he thinks I’m an idiot.

You mean, how to turn on the FREE service.” I interrupt.

“Uh, yeah. You’ll have to fill out an RFS form (the aforementioned 566 page monstrosity) and give us your department account number…”

“But everything’s already installed in the wall, and the service is freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

“We need a technician to open the electrical closet on your floor and turn it on, Ma’am.”

I fucking hate it when people call me "Ma’am". Really. Would you call a 5 year old girl “Ma’am”? Because that’s what I sound like on the phone. Actually I sound like a helium-huffing squirrel when I talk on the phone, but let’s not split hairs.

“You want me to PAY you to flip a switch? You want me to PAY for your FINGER?” I continued, feeling all indignant.

“Ma’am…” He sounded exasperated.

“I have a finger! In fact, I have 8! Plus opposable thumbs! I’m an evolutionary marvel!”

“Ma’am the expense shouldn’t be too excessive, if you’d just fill out…”

“No. I’m not going to spend 6 weeks filling out your big-ass request form for you to flip a blasted switch. Switch flipping is not the sole domain of IT Dudes! People have been flipping switches since at least 1950. It’s my right as an American citizen to flip that switch!”

“Uh, Ma’am…”

“Stop calling me "Ma’am"! Do you think I’m INCAPABLE of flipping the switch? Is that it? I’m just a girl called “Ma’am” who can’t flip switches all alone, and you want to help my poor, switch-flipping-impaired ass? Do you think we’re gonna cuddle afterwards? Because buddy, that’s not what I’m about!”

“Ma’am, do you want the service or not?”

“Um, yeah.”

“Cause it’s going to cost, like, $2.00.”

“Oh. Do I still have to fill out the form?”

“Just check one box on the last page.”

“And that’s it?”

“That’s it.”

“OK. Thanks! Sorry, I'm a little jumpy today.”


“Shut up, IT Dude.”
Random Fruit Fact: The Jujube Fruit

I’m fully serious, there’s a real jujube fruit.

“A magic fruit for emotion controlling and more.”

Guess what I’m picking up on the way home. Learn more about the jujube’s calming nature, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 6/15/2005 03:55:00 PM


  1. Blogger Circus Kelli posted at 4:02 PM  
    They should just totally do away with the word "Ma'am". Seriously.

    Now, why didn't IT Dude just TELL you that up front about the small charge and checking the box?
  2. Blogger Squirl posted at 4:58 PM  
    Because IT Dude's ego is truly smaller than his, um, manhood. He needs it pumped up and they don't make Viagra for that.
  3. Blogger laurenbove posted at 5:04 PM  
    helium-huffing squirrel....aHA!

    I love your way with words. That line just made my headache go away.

    I hate Ma'am. No one especially a MAN-BOY should be allowed to use that word.

    We need a good comeback for being Maamed to death. I nominate Plummy for her clever witicisms and facile mind. GO!
  4. Blogger marybishop posted at 6:26 PM  

    Personally, I prefer Mammary over Ma'am.

    If you insist on calling me Ma'an I'll have to call you Girly.

    (Can't you hear him say: I didn't say man, Ma'am I said Ma'am. Man!)

    To a young woman who calls you Ma'am: Call me Ma'am one more time and I'll rip your tits off.

    That might work...
  5. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 6:37 PM  
    Once again, I am requesting a caution at the beginning of funny ass posts that say the following "SFG, put the diet Coke down and swallow what is in your mouth because it burns like a mutha when said diet Coke comes out of a nostril."
  6. Blogger Nilbo posted at 7:20 PM  
    This made me laugh out loud ... ma'am. I love IT dudes. Especially when they sit beside me as I show them the prob- "MOVE!" ... "but I -" "MOVE!" ... "oh, OK. So the only time this happens is when I-" "Have you been fucking with the fonts?" "Well .. I may have-" "HAVE YOU FUCKED WITH THE FONTS?" "Well, yeah, but I-" "DON'T FUCK WITH THE FONTS! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THAT?"

    Yeah. IT dudes are cool.
  7. Anonymous Browen posted at 8:43 PM  
    "I fucking hate it when people call me "Ma�am". Really. Would you call a 5 year old girl �Ma�am�? Because that�s what I sound like on the phone. Actually I sound like a helium-huffing squirrel when I talk on the phone, but let�s not split hairs."

    I nearly died laughing. I sound the SAME EXACT way. I'm not sure which is worse, when people patronize me by calling me ma'am or ask me in my place of business if my "parents own the company" *twitches irritably*
  8. Blogger Closet Metro posted at 9:07 PM  
    Hey, I'm an IT guy. And I had to make people fill out forms. (For the record, connecting that jack is not like turning on a light switch. Generally you have to connect a patch cable from the other end of that run to an available port on a hub or switch.)
  9. Blogger Nilbo posted at 7:55 AM  
    (still waiting for Closet Metro to finish that with "Now, move ... let me see what you got here.")
  10. Blogger LadyBug posted at 10:45 AM  
    Oh, MAN. Closet Metro totally rained on your rant.

    And I could really use some of that jujube fruit. Pick some up for me, too, wouldja?
  11. Blogger Aurora posted at 11:36 AM coke....damn i'm addictied. And i can't spell today. IT people are evil. We don't have them at my work so my boss tries to fix everything himself and f***s it all up. Like today no one is able to print cause all the printers are offline. EVIL.
  12. Blogger Closet Metro posted at 12:24 PM  
    Sorry to rain on your rant. If people didn't fill out forms, my boss (who I never met) would not know if I did anything at all, or needed to be laid off. Now, since I was laid off, I guess that I should have had more people fill out the forms instead of saying "well, it'll only take me a minute, so don't bother with the form."

    Airea, I'm not evil. Your boss is evil, for f**cking up your office. I'm the angel who could fix that.
  13. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 1:34 PM  
    CK and Squirl: IT Dude generally pursues any excuse to get under my desk, and the desks of my co-workers. But the computers are on top of the desks. Ew.

    Laurenbove- Let's keep it simple.

    "I've got your "Ma'am"right here buddy. Bah!"

    (Marybishops are better, but thanks for the vote of confidence!)

    Marybishop- I think I like the tit-ripping the most. Well, other people getting tit-ripped anyway.

    SFG- Oooh. Sorry. I feel the nostril pain...

    Nilbo- I swear on my flash drive that I did NOT touch the fonts. Well. Maybe just once, but that font was KILLER!

    Browen- Thanks for visiting. People actually ask you that?

    CM- I promise I'm not crabby with all the IT Dudes of the world, just the one I work with. Among his miryad sins, he told me that turning my service on would be easy, "like flipping a switch". Probably should've included that in the post, huh? Apologies for any IT Dude wrath I may have incurred.(Lord help you if you had people like me your job!)

    Ladybug- No rain! CM's just an nice IT Dude (and an awesome blogger) protecting his good name. Jujube fruits all around!

    Airea-Never let your boss touch your computer. More importantly, never let your boss touch your Diet Coke.
  14. Anonymous Browen posted at 5:58 PM  
    yes, they do ask me that-consistantly. It makes me want to beat them over the head with a rubber mallet....or something a little more solid, but unfortunately my cutesy voice matches my personality and I only squish spiders (because as we all know they are the spawn of satan)
  15. Blogger Caroline posted at 8:04 PM  
    Why do all IT guys annoy me? I stopped by my mom's work last week, right after she called some IT dude who hits on her all the time. He stops by and she asks him why her computer is going so slow. He proceeds to clear her cookies and temporary internet files. Umm, okay dude, you don't think it was maybe because she had FIFTY MILLION windows open on her screen? Of course his BRILLIANT cookie clearing ass didn't do anything, and he proceeded to look stumped. I closed half the windows and her computer sped up. His response: "So, Kathy, do you beat your children often?"

    Umm ... okay then...

    Sorry, coming off a coffee high myself.
  16. Blogger Caroline posted at 8:07 PM  
    Oh, and I'm totally jealous of your phone voice. Mine's not NEARLY as cute. Geeze.
  17. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 9:55 PM  
    CM- No worries! I wasn't trying to rain down the pain on your profession. You've helped me with the blog TWICE. I won't forget that! You're a HELPFUL IT Dude. You're totally not evil. Just keep posting pictures of Jack and no-one gets hurt!

    Browen- Ha! Do you carry the mallet WITH you?

    Caroline- You don't want this voice, Holmes. Not unless you like broken glass and howling dogs.
  18. Blogger Browen posted at 2:11 PM  
    Nope, I knew I was forgetting something!!!!


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