Thursday, June 02, 2005

IT Duuuuude, You Scare Me Like The Real Thiiing, And Since You Are The Real Thing, You Scare Me Mooooooore...

We have the shittiest computers in the civilized world at my job. Hell, 3rd-world countries have computers better then I do. We're sporting the technological equivalent of a cardboard box and a stick. Apparently when the hospital says they're "committed to data protection and patient privacy”, they mean serving up Grade ‘A’ techno bullshit to their workers.

To match our crummy computers, we have a crummy IT guy. He’s bad at his job, he’s self-righteous about EVERY thing, and he has several disturbing nervous tics. He’s also just nasty. You know, one of those dudes who don’t bathe or wash any clothes until his funk flows behind him in a nauseating wake. The kind of fella that’s balding but still grows his greasy, dandruff-encrusted hair halfway down his back.

All this, and he’s a chatty little fucker, too.

Usually if I don’t make any noise or sudden movements, he’ll leave me alone. A useful skill, considering that today I was informed about our janky IT Dudes plans for total chick domination by a co-worker. Apparently, our talentless computer hack has decided to chat up ALL the women in my building (married/divorced/single- anything without a scrotum, really) in the hopes that one day he'll get some boo-tay and marry one of us.

After I finished my requisite bout of dry-heaves, I started wondering about the nature of our digital-slimeball. Maybe he just doesn't know that he's gross. Perhaps he's just a disgusting ship floating in a sea of ignorance. A sea of stinky ignorance. So for educational purposes (and to distract myself from the horrifying thought of my delicate ass being in his clutches), I’ve made a helpful list for nasty IT Dudes.

For all you IT boys looking for boo-tay at work, here’s some ideas to improve your chances with the ladeeez.

The Basics:

If you’re balding and have long hair, CUT THAT FUCKING SHIT OFF! Overcompensation in one follicular area does NOT make up for your losses in another. If you don’t know which style suits you, just shave it ALL off. And then, for the love of Christ, maintain it. Nobody wants to see little tufts of hair twirled into mini-palm trees sticking out all over your head.

Bathe, dammit. Use soap. Use it thoroughly in all your cracks and crevices. USE IT EVERY DAY.

Wash your clothing. I’m not going to harp on stylistic points. Just make sure it’s clean, smells good and doesn’t have holes or stains. Also, you’re not Neo from The Matrix, so ease up off the giant trench.

Facial Hair
My own personal jury’s still out on facial hair, but if you decide to partake, MAINTAIN that shit! You wanna have a goatee, have a goatee, and cut that shit DAILY. Don’t let it get Rumplestiltskin scraggly for a month, and expect me to swoon.

Trim things that need to be trimmed. Nails, nose/ear/eyebrow hair, etc. If you’ve got chest/back hair spilling out of the top of your shirt, you may want to consider dealing with that a little. Pits and pubes are your own business. You want junk that looks like you stapled a tumbleweed to your ballsack? Fine with me, just don’t make me look at it, I’ll go blind. Important: Don’t trim ANYTHING at work.

Extra Credit:

-No stalking.
-I mean it, no stalking. That shit’s only cool in John Hughes movies when it’s reciprocated.
-No discussion of your 3000 tape anal porn collection.
-No pets in your pockets (reptiles, rodents, imaginary friends etc.)

Anything I missed?
Random Fruit Fact: Don’t Feel Like It Today. Sorry. All that talk about crusty dandruff bugged me out.

As for Self Portrait Day's transportation theme, I've got this:

That's right, bitches. I've got your snack right freakin' here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 6/02/2005 07:31:00 PM


  1. Blogger marybishop posted at 8:44 PM  
    Your post is so funny and so the line: Overcompensation in one follicular area does NOT make up for your losses in another...

    But they love to let those strands grow and grow...
  2. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 9:03 PM  
    I am laughing so hard that I can't type. I love how you write.
  3. Anonymous kalki posted at 9:47 PM  
    Don't wear sandals to work without first trimming your toenails. (Okay, just don't wear sandals to work.)
  4. Blogger mrtl posted at 1:11 AM  
    Plum, you're making the world a better place with your style and hygiene posts.
  5. Blogger Kitsune posted at 2:41 AM  
    You might want to add, if the first 3 attempts at conversation have failed, just shut up and do your job.

    We had a guy that clearly thought of himself our personal god. (to everyone, not just women.) He would hunt down girls and stand there and try topic after topic. (I, being the incredible super-hero type, jumped to the internal phone system and saved a few with timely phone calls from a few desks away. ha HA!)

    Bonus sugestion while I am thinking about it: conversation topics about how smart you are never fly... especially when you make PeeWee Herman look swave.
  6. Blogger Circus Kelli posted at 8:52 AM  
    Oh, Spurious, I could not have ever said it better! Fantastic!

    I lurve you, you are my hero.
  7. Blogger Buddha Bong posted at 9:05 AM  
    K, the post ws funny as hell, but the ladies at my office rank with your IT dude. No makeup, don't do their hair, don't iron their shirts. Then they flirt with me like I would even think about going there. I'm sure the outside grooming issues sure point to a Hazmat issue on other areas of the body that are concealed (jungle love comes to mind). Oh yeah, they burp and fart out loud to, which as horny as most guys are - that shit is so much a turn off even if you didn't mind the other things I mentioned before.

    Oh yeah, ladies - shave the pits. That's gross to see stuble mixed with the white deoderant.
  8. Blogger Captain Fantasy posted at 9:52 AM  
    Bathe daily and wear clean clothes with no holes? That's a bit demanding isn't it?
  9. Blogger LadyBug posted at 10:35 AM  
    Girrrrl, you done FREAKED MY SHIT OUT with all those picture links. A WARNING next time, please?? I had to go back and click the Magnum P.I. link again, to give my eyes and brain a cleansing ('cause I just LOVE me some Magnum P.I. Mm-mmm. Shut up. He IS sexy.)
  10. Blogger Aurora posted at 11:15 AM  
    You are my hero!!! I am printing out that list and stapling it to my office door!!! I love the pictures by the way...excuse my while i go yak.

    Your so funny!!
  11. Blogger echrai posted at 12:12 PM  
    Tooth-brushing and the merits of not talking with your mouth full of whatever junk food you're eating that discolors your teeth and causes little bits of sugary goop to fly all over anyone you're speaking to.

    I love this post. :)
  12. Blogger Annejelynn posted at 12:20 PM  
    in high school I lived on Little Debbie Nutty Bars and Swiss Rolls - those and chocolate milk and the occasional peanut butter smeared bagel
  13. Blogger Circus Kelli posted at 12:37 PM  
    Oh, Spurious, and this line here:
    "All this, and he’s a chatty little fucker, too."

    That totally cracks me up! :)
  14. Blogger Torrie posted at 1:11 PM  
    Hysterically funny.
  15. Blogger laurenbove posted at 6:24 PM  
    Hey Plum: I must say that at my company the IT guy was rather standoffish and crabby. However, he had the finest ass I've ever seen in real life or on T.V. It was so fine, that I married it...and the body it accompanied.

    lucky me...oh yeah...I did indeed get Excellent Service!
  16. Blogger Squirl posted at 6:59 PM  
    You really should put that info in his office. Or someone should. You're happily married and wouldn't want to date him, clean or otherwise, but at least he wouldn't be leaving his stench trail behind him.
  17. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 7:11 PM  
    Marybishop- I'm thinking of smuggling a set of clippers into work...Hey! I should get those folks with mullets while I'm at it!

    SFG- sweetie...

    Kalki- And pleeeease deal with the toejam-football before you enter the building. Don't fish it out in the elevator.

    MRTL- I'm just trying to fix the mos egregious sins. There's so much work yet to be done...

    Kitsune-Keep using that phone! Those folks need. you.

    CK- The lurve is totally mutual, ma'am.

    Hatlyman- My apologies for running a genderbiased post. I'll make it a point to rectify these issues in the future. And that deodorant thing? Nasty.

    Captain Fantasy- Honey, you know I'd never ask more from you than you're capable of.

    Ladybug- And what's not to love about Magnum PI? It was one of Magnum's job requirements to be a fuzzbucket. Also, you should've seen the pics I DIDN'T link to. Yeesh.

    Airea- Hero of the office door? Thanks! I've hit the big time!

    Echrai- Sugary tooth-goo is bad for everyone. Even for animals and small children. I'm an equal-opportunty sugary goo hater.

    Annejelynn- How can you live on Little Debbie and still be, well, LITTLE? Shouldn't you need a crowbar and jar of vasaline to get out of bed in the morning with a diet like that? Atkins ain't got nuthin on your foxy ass.

    CK- I still Lurve you, too.

    Torrie- Thank you Torrie Queen!

    Laurenbove- I have no problem with crabby and standoffish. Hell, I MARRIED crabby and standoffish, too! But nasty? I bet your man was clean, no?

    Squirl- Maybe I can leave a basket of soap at the entrance to his burrow...

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