Sunday, June 05, 2005

Marco! Lame-Ass Polo!

Yesterday, Mateo and I embarked on a shopping excursion to the Monroeville Mall, in search of work-worthy polo shirts. Since my husband and I are both violently iron-o-phobic, and wearing an NWA t-shirt that says ‘Fuck The Police’ isn’t generally within the dress code limits of most libraries, so Mateo rocks a polo most of the time. Unfortunately, polo shirt shopping is a huge ordeal this year, because Mateo doesn’t fit into any of this years prevailing fashion categories:

OLD GOLFING DUDE POLO’S
Typical shirts in this category are either vaguely transparent (gotta show off wrinkly old man nips), or have scary, wavy, ‘artistic’ patterns on them. Mateo is neither golfing, nor expecting his shirt to be a catalyst for self expression. So this category’s out.

KANYE WEST/B-BOY POLO’S
Wherein a ‘medium’ shirt hangs somewhere around Mateo’s ankles. Meant to be worn with HUGE pants, which safely enable the wearer to parachute out of light aircraft. These shirts need to be so long for purposes of modesty, as giant pants are quite heavy and subsequently expose the ENTIRETY of one’s underwear. Mateo doesn’t ‘do’ really baggy pants, so scratch this one off too.

CLUBBY-CLUBBY METROSEXUAL/RYAN SEACREST POLO’S
With “Modern Fit”!!!!! "Modern Fit" seems to mean "two sizes too small", i.e. hugging every inch of one's manly physique. Not really ‘professional’, per se… These typically come with ruffled fronts, or ruching, or patterns of something stupid - like bagels and cream cheese. Unless you’re Ryan Seacrest, or for some horrific reason want to be LIKE Ryan Seacrest, these shirts aren’t for you. I like these shirts because they allow me to see the outline of Mateo’s sassy self. But Mateo thinks wearing an oddly-patterned Xlarge when you’re really a medium is prettyWACK-ASS, so these are out too.

FRAT BOY ON HIS WAY TO SPRING BREAK IN LAMEASS-VILLE POLO’S
Colors span the complete spectrum of rainbow sherbert/easter egg colors, including an odd preponderance of PINK. Pink has historically shown itself to be a poor color choice for men's clothing, but currently seems to be quite popular. Remember back in the 80s when the pink/Miami Vice shit happened the first time? Dudes who wore pink polo’s accessorized with loafers sans socks, and were all somehow named CHAD. It was a bad scene, and everyone burned the photographic evidence and tried to pretend it never happened. But somehow this year it's OK again. Mateo thinks not. 20 years of pink shirt mocking trumps 1 year of cool-Kanye-West-ing, thank you.

Which leaves us in a quandary. Mateo wants to look professional, but not old, too trendy, pink, or huge. Dear God! Where do we shop?!?!?!?
___________________________________________
Random Fruit Fact: The Goumi

“Pleasantly acid when ripe, they are usually made into pies, preserves etc. Quite fiddly and difficult to pick without breaking the young shoots.”

Nobody likes a fiddly young goumi…Learn more about this fiddly fruit, here.

P.S. Goumi flowers are total hermaphrodites. Scandalous!

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 6/05/2005 09:18:00 PM

15 Comments

  1. Blogger Candace posted at 9:42 PM  
    We have the SAME problem, 'cept hubby is an XL. Damn his 6'2" frame! Old Navy will occasionally have non-stupid polos, The Gap less so, but Target really seems to have a great selection of normal clothing for normal people. Of course, hubby is a drummer in a punk-ish band, so normal is all relative. But in his day job as a software engineer, t-shirts that say "Fuck" aren't so good. Try Target.
  2. Blogger Weetzie posted at 10:58 PM  
    LL Bean catalog/website has "traditional" polos and other goodies....
  3. Blogger mrtl posted at 12:43 AM  
    I second LL Bean. Eddie Bauer may be a good bet, too.
  4. Anonymous lawbrat posted at 6:56 AM  
    I'd try Eddie Bauer. Their clothes are typically classic styles, they wear well, worth the price, and even better when you find them on sale. They have online shopping also. Try the Eddie Bauer Outlet...all sale stuff!!

    Yes, EB is my favorite store.
  5. Blogger Susie posted at 8:26 AM  
    These sound good. J. Crew? (too J. Crewy?) Land's End?
    I also wanted to second your comment at Torrie's on the "ph" in men's names. Phuck that. I think Topher is the most pretentious abomination of a perfectly good name, that I have ever encountered. Call yourself Chris like every other decent, respectable Christopher. (ph is OK in the middle of Christopher. But nowhere else. Well, in Phillip, maybe. But that's all.)
  6. Anonymous Kittengirly posted at 9:46 AM  
    Try Lands End (also carried at Sears - not at the MM, but more west on 22 before the mall). They have nice ones that last forever.
  7. Blogger Ilanna posted at 12:31 PM  
    I second these opinions - I am a long time LL bean shopper and can vouch for their quality levels and customer service levels - and with Lands end it's nice that they are now affiliated with sears so you can buy from them OR buy on line. Everyone already beat me to this answer though. :) Also - if you have a Boscov's near you - they tend to have a cool men's dept - but that may be more delaware... :)
  8. Blogger LadyBug posted at 1:16 PM  
    I say go with the pink polo, tie a sweater around his neck, and go make fun of nerds! (Hm. Maybe I should 'splain? The pink polo image made me think of the in-crowd asshole in Revenge of the Nerds III: Nerds in Paradise.)
  9. Blogger marybishop posted at 2:28 PM  
    I like the Ralph Lauren polo shirts - I know they have the visible logo...but they wash beautifully, are nicely sized, great colors, and wear quite well...
  10. Anonymous taf posted at 2:50 PM  
    http://www.americanapparelstore.com/men.html

    show some love to the hometown, bitches.

    -T to tha A to tha F
  11. Blogger laurenbove posted at 6:22 PM  
    I love MB but I think RL Polo's are elitists snob emblem shirts. Think: Hey everybody we're in the fuck you I'm rich club.

    I prefer noname things but that's difficult to find. Polo's quality is pretty good but if you can find them at BJ's or Costco in a heap for 9.99 ea. then what really is the big deal?

    SPlum? What can we expect from the polo? With so many permutations it's giving us all that it can!! Perhaps an Abercrombie Polo? I like them just for the boys in the advertisements. Even if you don't end up buying...you just feel good for having gone there and experienced those larger than life lovlies. Ya Know?

    Yeah.

    Well, anyway...good luck. Gap and Old Navy might be options...but don't hold me to it. I've not been shopping since A and F.
  12. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 6:56 PM  
    Thanks to everyone for the suggestions!

    Misfit- Your husband's a punk rock drummer that wears polo's? That's rad.

    Weetzie- I don't know if I can convince Mateo to wear something that has traditional in quotes...but good idea. Hadn't thought of them!

    MRTL-Eddie Bauer. Check! They hem your pants too, which is awesome.

    Lawbrat- See, I love me some outlet shopping. My outlet shopping sister!

    Susie-Dammit! I forgot about JCrew. Their polo's are tasty too. Geez you guys are smart. P.S. Never trust a Stephen with a 'ph'.They're bad news!

    Kittengirly- Rock that road atlas, homegirl. Thanks.

    Jaimie- But I've never been shopping in Delaware. I wanna go shopping in Delaware!

    Ladybug- Mateo is a nerd(please don't tell him though.) SHould he make fun of himself?

    Marybishop- I like the Ralph lauren ones too, but Mateo can't stand the logo. "I'm not gonna pay to be someone's logo whore" and all that. Sigh. That makes shopping so much easier...

    TAF- If the AA shirts weren't totally see through, I'd be down. No one's allowed to look at Mateo's hot chest but me.

    Laurenbove- Oh shit. Read what I just wrote to marybishop. You have a logo hating brother in Mateo! Ah, soft-core Abercrombie boys!
  13. Anonymous TAF posted at 3:01 PM  
    the AA jersey knits do hug the body landscape a little more, but by no means are they see-through... unless you get them in white; then you're in trubble.

    I know what you mean, though.

    No Logo = Land's End. They are a little pricey, but godDAMN do they have so many colors and styles!

    http://www.landsend.com/cd/index/fp/0,,54318,00.html?sid=4137137368481153900

    Happy Sweatshopping.
  14. Blogger Closet Metro posted at 3:36 PM  
    For the record, I do not wear "CLUBBY-CLUBBY METROSEXUAL" shirts. Nor "OLD GOLFING DUDE/KANYE WEST/B-BOY/FRAT BOY" polo's. What the hell have I been wearing?
  15. Anonymous buttergun posted at 12:09 PM  
    I called my husband from Urban Outfitter the other day to ask him "If I get you a pink izod will you wear it?" A millisecond passed before he flatly answered "No." To which I answered "Alright you are getting the $80 Wranglers then." $80!!! I'm and ass.

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