The Spurious Plum

Keep Your Friends Close, And Your Bathroom Closer

Warning. If you don't like clean stuff, you may not understand this post. Don't worry, I won't hate on you just cause you're dirty.

It is my nemesis. My foe, if you will.

The Skeletor to my He-Man. The bad terminator from Terminator 2 to my good terminator who was bad in Terminator 1, but turned out to be all right.

Oh, bathroom. I hate you so.



At first glance, it sucks. And as you spend time with it, that feeling blossoms into a consuming hatred which blocks out the sun.

Our bathroom is in possession of an astonishing amount of awful things:

1.) Green walls (with mold inside for added flavor)
2.) Cracked, holey and permanently stained white tiles
3.) Barbie pink formica countertops
4.) Sorry-ass fake wood cabinetry
5.) Enamel free, everlastingly stained tub (w/peeling blue & green flowers!)
6.) Rusty and/or lime covered fixtures
7.) A HOLE where tub meets the wall (i.e. portal to hell)
7.) Brown and white scuffy tiles that will NEVER be clean.

And oh....those dratted tiles.



Anyone who's ever A.) had a crappy linoleum floor or B.) recognizes sheer cleaning hell when they see it, knows this tile (and I'm using the word 'tile' in the loosest sense of the word here), will never, ever be clean.

We rent, and thusly pay for the privilege of living with this miraculously bad bathroom. I have begged, pleaded and offered our first born child to Mr. Landlord, in the hopes he'd let me fix things up. With my own money, mind you. After dealing with Los Angeles landlords, I know better than to ask one for something aesthetically pleasing.

I've asked him several times and all he says is, "Um...no."

Fuck.
__________________________
Random Fruit Fact: The Pink Grapefruit

It's bitter and pink like my bathroom countertop. I dislike it intensely. Like my countertop.

"Grapefruits are borne on small trees that rarely exceed 6 m (20 ft) in height. The dense foliage consists of shiny, dark-green leaves with winged petioles. The large white flowers produce yellow, globe-shaped fruit in grapelike clusters. "

Learn more about why pink grapefruits love animal testing and making children cry here....No, I'm sorry, little pink grapefruit. It's not your fault. Let's go have some ice cream.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 2/10/2005 10:47:00 PM