Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Dress Codes Are For Choads

My employer just put forward a new ‘Image and Appearance Policy’ (i.e. dress code) to present a more professional image to the public. If we don’t comply, we get FIRED.


One of the reasons I chose this magnificent job, was my company’s ambivalence towards what we wear. I’ve been rocking Converse, jeans and a t-shirt pretty much every day since I started, only getting gussied up for special visitors. In the summer, I wear flip flops every day so my ugly feet can get a flip-flop tan, a phenomena my friend Molly calls ‘sexy’. Trust me, my feet need all the sexiness they can get.

This whole thing is especially bothersome, considering I have pretty much ZERO contact with the public, which is who we’re allegedly dressing up for. The dress code rules fall into three general categories:

Rules That Benefit
“stretch/stirrup pants, halter tops, tube tops, midriff baring tops are not permitted”
This is a public service. Eradicating these clothing items from a staff whose age averages around 50 will benefit EVERYONE. Have you seen stirrup pants on a 50 year old ass? I have. Yesterday.

“Hair colors must be of natural shades. Extremes in hair color are not permitted.”
So we’ll be firing the backstabbing old bitch in the main office for her fake red hair? Because seriously, it’s the color of a Coke can. Being a backstabbing bitch should be in the dress code, but I'll settle for hair.

Rules That Are Weird
“Beards and mustaches must be symmetrical”
You know this is listed because some fool had an asymmetrical beard. What does that even look like? Now I’m curious…

“Appropriate undergarments must always be worn. Use of clothing normally worn as undergarments cannot be worn as outerwear. Undergarments should not be visible through clothing.”
Hee. Again, you know this makes the list because someone seriously thought they were hot shit in a pointy Madonna bra. Will we have underwear police, to make sure we’re compliant? No bra snapping, please.

“Current religious affiliations may require individuals to wear a form of head cover as part of its practices. We may seek proof that the employee belongs to said religious organization”
This is just sad. ‘We’re going to need to see your yarmulke license, sir.’ Is this even legal?

Rules That Are Very, VERY Bad
"Women must wear pantyhose at all times."
Kiss the fattest part of my ass. You can fire me. I’m NEVER wearing these things.

"No jeans or capri pants will be permitted"
Just try to take my jeans fuckwad. I’ll pull some serious ninja shit on you.

"Sneakers, sandals and open toed shoes are not permitted"
Any of you cock jockeys think you’re stealing my Converse or my flip-flops, you’ve got another thing coming.
Funny thing is, the HR people didn’t have this 4-page piece of donkey poo checked out by a lawyer before disseminating it, and there’s some pretty sexist stuff in there. Like, "women are encouraged to wear skirts and dresses", and "when wearing a sleeveless blouse or shell, women must cover up before coming into public contact. Males may optionally cover up when wearing sleeveless shirts."

I’m so fighting city hall on this one. It'd be hilarious to tell my next employer that I was fired for 'pantyhose compliance issues'.
Random Fruit Fact (in honor of Laurenbove): The Pluot

Pluots are another one of those manmade fruits, being a registered trademark of Zaiger Genetics. I don’t generally approve of genetically modified stuff, but the pluot is part plum, and I can't stay mad at family.

“Pluots are complex hybrid fruits that are part plum and part apricot in heritage. These fruits were originally invented in the late 20th century by Floyd Zaiger and are now grown in parts of Washington and California. Pluots have a majority of plum parentage and therefore, have smooth skin like plums…Pluots and apriums are known for their sweetness and flavor; the sugar content of these fruits is much higher than that of a plum or apricot alone.”

Yummy. Learn more about the Pluot, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/12/2005 10:42:00 AM


  1. Blogger marybishop posted at 11:24 AM  
    I'm sorry, I think we need a constitutional ammendment that states a fruit cannot be married to another fruit.

    Can you imagine our future? Banapples? Peareaches? Cantalemons?

    We need fruit sanctity and purity!
  2. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 11:32 AM  
    Are they fuckin kidding with that dress code? I work in a damn law office and we have more leniency, for Christ's sake. I would so fight that. March on, girl.
  3. Blogger Holy Schmidt posted at 11:42 AM  
    No one wears panty hose here. They just stopped even though it was a major no-no.

    I would fight that shit!
  4. Blogger Caroline posted at 12:50 PM  
    I say go with it. Here's my plan. Wear a skirt, since you're encouraged to, apparently, but a really short one. And have pantyhose on, but the sock kind, not those horrible kinds that're like pants, and put on garter panties to hold them up. Finish all this off with a shirt with puffed sleeves a la Napoleon Dynamite, and closed toed shoes with tassles. If anyone says anything to you about how you're dressed, act like nothing's out of the ordinary or hand them a copy of the memo. It's what I would do.
  5. Blogger Susie posted at 1:01 PM  
    Gosh, that was fun. Lots of laughing here. Don't give in, Plum, your ensemble is perfection as is. What the hell kind of "sleeveless" shirt can a man wear that's appropriate in a place where women must wear pantyhose? BTW, you were so diplomatic in the tassel issue. I'll vote for you for pretty much anything you want to run for. You bring people together;)
  6. Blogger Kitsune posted at 1:07 PM  
    A few quick questions:

    So if you wear nice business pants, do you still have to wear pantyhose underneath?
    If undergarments cannot be visible, can they be omitted?
    Are men forbidden to wear dresses?
    Has there been trouble in the past with people wearing religious vestments for the outright sexiness of their holy power?
    If one can only wear religious symbols of their own religion, will that person be considered bigoted or intolerant or other religions?
    Finally, are combat boots permitted?
  7. Blogger Nessa posted at 1:11 PM  
    Fight it! Ours states pantyhose, no open toe, no mules, no sleeveless - those are the ones I NEVER obey - we live in HOUSTON, TEXAS for pete's sake where the humidity level usually makes it 10-15 degrees hotter than the meter says! Pantyhose? Fire me, then - I don't care!
  8. Blogger laurenbove posted at 1:22 PM  
    Oh God, these company dress code crack downs ALWAYS make me laugh and just as often make the company look like a 1950's throwback.

    Pantyhose? Does anyone still wear them...in the summer? Forget it. How can they enforce that one? Just tell them that you ARE wearing hose and NO they cannot feel your legs! I agree w/you list of public service codes.

    Woe is the guy who has a shaving mishap and is actually fired for it.

    Stoopid, I say. It should blow over in a couple months.

    Thanks eversomuch for checking out why my 2.75 plums ended up costing me 11.20. I was dumbfounded. You are the fruit queen. (notice i did not phrase it: queen of the fruits.)
  9. Anonymous Anonymous posted at 1:25 PM  
    I found this fun fruit quiz and thought of you: http://www.guardian.co.uk/quiz/questions/0,5961,398514,00.html
  10. Blogger Candace posted at 1:39 PM  
    Kristine had some VERY good questions!

    Yeah, you HAVE to fight this. It's incredibly stupid and wrong. "Encouraged to wear dresses"????? What the hell? Is it 1950 again?
  11. Anonymous TAF posted at 1:49 PM  
    My dad once had a goatee as an experiment, and the day he shaved it off, he quartered said goat and shaved off the upper right hand section, and the lower left hand section, and walked around the house like that for a couple of hours wearing his hilarious face hair as well as a self-satisfied smirk before my mother begged him to get rid of it all.

    My dad is so super funky fresh.

    I feel fortunate to work a middle management job where my boss actually thinks that it's conducive to my position that I have purple hair.
  12. Blogger Aurora posted at 2:16 PM  
    i would so fight this, and wear flip-flops everyday, just because i too love the flip-flop tan line. Evil management. Watch what they wear....
  13. Anonymous Anonymous posted at 2:36 PM  
    Its probably some weird old boilerplate code they had buried away somewhere. Are they actualy going to enforce the policy, or is it more just to say "look we have a policy"? I also don't think they would acutally fire someone for these things unless there was another reason. Dress Code termination just screams out expensive legalbattle.
    Also why the sudden crackdown on dress code?
  14. Blogger uglyagnes posted at 3:19 PM  
    thats really weird, especially the pantyhose part, what if you are wearing pants?!?!?

    we should do some sort of trade for a via diagonale..
  15. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 3:46 PM  
    Mary Bishop - Genetic alterign sounds like nazi crap, which is badness.

    Laurenbove - I wouldn't really mind being Queen of the Fruits. Any kind of royalty is fine!

    SFG, Holy Schmidt, Airea, Misfit - I'm a-gonna fight the power!

    Caroline - I like the way you think...Where do you get this stuff?

    -So if you wear nice business pants, do you still have to wear pantyhose underneath? Yes. Damn.

    -If undergarments cannot be visible, can they be omitted? Alas no. There's another clause that says you have to wear some.

    -Are men forbidden to wear dresses? Yes.

    -Has there been trouble in the past with people wearing religious vestments for the outright sexiness of their holy power? Totally

    -If one can only wear religious symbols of their own religion, will that person be considered bigoted or intolerant or other religions? In Pittsburgh, if you're not Catholic, people think there's something WRONG with you.

    -Combat boots permitted? Yes. With pantyhose.

    TAF - Your dad IS funky fresh. Your hair's purple now? What kind?

    Anonymous -They've already sent out the first checks on my floor. They're unfortunately quite serious.

    Yay! Took the Anonymous fruit quiz and got 9 out of 9! My standing as Fruit Queen is secure!
  16. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 3:48 PM  
    Ugly Agnes - I'd totally trade with you...Unfortunately I'm a talentless hack.

    You can email me at spuriousplum at gmail dot com to discuss it frther though!
  17. Anonymous Anonymous posted at 5:37 PM  
    Im just wondering WHO is going to check for appropriate undergarments? If they see panty lines, no good. No panty lines, no good, because you must wear appropriate undergarments. If there is a designated undergarment checker, thats a sexual violation.

    Whereever Spurious works:

    SUCK IT!!

  18. Blogger echrai posted at 12:23 PM  
    My favorite dress code related line that I heard when I first started at Reynolds Metals (which is no more so I don't mind using their name) and I was filling out all of my HR paperwork with another girl. (Yes, not woman. She was so sorority chick and not the good academic kind.) We were handed our dress code policies and instructed to read it and ask any questions there. The girl looked up at me, leaned over and whispered. "It says no thongs! Do you think they're going to check?" I looked at her baffled, unsure where she was going with the no sandals deal. "I really need to find a bathroom if they're gonna."

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