Oh, Shit! Incoming! - or - The Post That Blogger Ate, Revisited
We have a DEFCON 5 Houseguest Alert! A Level Ten Houseguest will arrive for a visit in less than 2 weeks, and the Spurious homestead is at critical messiness mass! Break out Plan X! You know, the plan where you max out your credit card in an effort to make it look like your home was decorated by someone other than Mr. Ikea?
Old Friend is coming to visit in 10 days, which is really cool. He's really great and we're looking forward to his visit. There's just one little catch. Old Friend is one seriously clean dude. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of the guy. He deserves some sort of plaque for his ability to be clean and male simultaneously. It just means I have to burn down my house and rebuild it from scratch before it's sufficiently clean. The last thing I need is Old Friend getting chatted up by my bathroom mildew while I'm at work.
Now some of you may say, "Old Friend is your friend. He's coming to see you and Mateo, not your house. He won't care." and you're right, he won't. It's not his fault I turn into a neurotic, cleaning obsessed, Ajax-monkey before someone comes to visit.
There are five general DEFCON levels of necessary housecleaning, generally corresponding to the nature of the upcoming visitor:
DEFCON 1 - This is me not doing anything. I trust you enough to let you gaze upon my beautiful dust bunnies. I probably won't even get up to answer the door..."It's open, motherfucker!"
DEFCON 2 - You've visited a few times before, and you look like you'll be coming for subsequent visits. I'm tired of cleaning up the house in DEFCON 3 fashion before you come over, so this is all you get. I picked my dirty laundry up off the floor and did the dishes. What more do you want? P.S. you'll be getting your own beer, Bucko.
DEFCON 3- If this is your first visit to the Spurious household, you'll likely see the results of a DEFCON 3 cleaning rampage upon entry. I'll stock your preferred food and beverages and serve them to you graciously, like a monkey butler. Just don't open any closets or a wave of household detritus will consume you. And if you even think about breaking out the white gloves, I'll steal one and bitch slap your ass.
DEFCON 4 - Eat off the floors clean. Generally set aside for visits from my Mother in Law. She doesn't come over very often, which is good, cause this shit is hard work.
DEFCON 5 - All visitors will be provided sunglasses and a gas mask upon entry. Everything is supershinyclean and the residual household cleaner smell may singe your nostril hair and eyebrows. Reserved for heads of state, reggae ambassadors and Old Friend arriving in less than 2 weeks.
I have to find a way to get a truly crappy 80 year old bathroom sparkling clean in 10 days. Or I'll freak.
Please help.
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Random Fruit Fact: The Pawpaw
I remember the pawpaw fruit from a book I read as a child, but I can't for the life of me remember which one.
"The pawpaw is the largest edible fruit native to America. Individual fruits weigh 5 to 16 ounces and are 3 to 6 inches in length. The larger sizes will appear plump, similar to the mango. The fruit usually has 10 to 14 seeds in two rows. The brownish to blackish seeds are shaped like lima beans, with a length of 1/2 to 1-1/2 inches. Pawpaw fruits often occur as clusters of up to nine individual fruits. The ripe fruit is soft and thin skinned."
Yes, but what does it fucking TASTE like? The comparisons mangos and lima beans aren't really doing it for me. Damn you, California Rare Fruit Growers Association! Learn more about the pawpaw, here.
Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/04/2005 10:52:00 AM
14 Comments
I believe it was from "The Jungle Book". Blue was teaching Mogley about what was edible. I think. I have no idea what they taste like.
See, here's where I'm with you 100%. I have the same levels of clean. DEFCON 5 is reserved for my mother, who is more critical about my cleaning than my M-I-L was - she had DEFCON 4.
Save yourself! Call in a cleaning service to do the hard crap for you.
Mateo was right - in that post, the veil was lifted that separates man and deity. I saw Truth, I heard a choir sing, and it was Good.
(Good luck scrubbing the floor.) :(
I'm so with mrtl, call a cleaning service. It will save your back. Your friend will thank you, because then you can go out drinking, have a fun time, play, play, play. Otherwise, your back might get all pissy and not want to work. Your doing it for your friend!
lawbrat
I heart anyone who uses the word "detritus" in their daily ramblings. :)
Also, I have a friend like that. She used to be my roommate (the cleanest year of my life). She is SO CLEAN, but also very sweet. I don't think she is judging our slobbishness, but I still manage to feel like the irresponsible little kid when she sees our house in a state of mess. Her coming will probably always initiate DEFCON 3 or 4. No matter how much I love her.
1) Candles and dim lights do wonders. Clutter is also mis-seen as dirt so declutter.
2) Walk around in your underwear and heels. Wear a push-up bra and sexy thong around the house and he won't notice if you are stepping over old pizza boxes in your eff-me pumps.
3) Hit him with a paw paw if he even looks like he's going to complain about his surroundings.
4) Provide him with a roll of paper towels and a spray bottle of Mr. Clean by his bedside.
5) Get him drunk and keep him drunk till his departure!
John - JUNGLE BOOK! That's it. Congratulations. You win a virtual pawpaw. I'm not sure if they taste good, but hey...
MRTL & Lawbrizzle - Awesome idea, but I'm one of those freaks that has to clean before the cleaning service gets here...sigh. I don't even have any good references. BOO!
Ern - Perhaps it's a combination of cleaning envy and good friendship. We want to be super clean cause we love them and we know they like super cleanliness. But they just wanna hang with you.
P.S. Detritus ROCKS.
Marybishop -
1.) Candles. Check.
2.) He's not THAT KIND of Old Friend. He's my husband's best friend from 4th grade. I definitely DON'T want to break off a piece of that. Plus, thongs scare me. Maybe Mateo could wear one...
3.)Where the hell do I shop for pawpaw's? No luck at Whole Foods, but maybe I'll hit him with a horned melon instead. Zing!
4.) Paper towels and Mr. Clean. Check. "This air mattress is brought to you by the cleaning products of asile 9. Enjoy your stay at Casa de Spurious!"
5. Get him drunk. Check. I'm good at this.
Thongs scare me too. Last time I wore one I thought I'd have to have it surgically removed.
Ha! Me too.
I've never understood why having dental floss stuck up your ass all day is sexy.
See, this is why blogging is good. You can have friends of all different clean/messy levels over, without doing any cleaning at all.
Truly one of your best posts ever. But it makes me wonder what kind of defcon level I would get if I ever actually got off my ass and Elsa and I went to visit.....
James - You and Elsa are Definitely DEFCON 1. Somehow the fact that we've all seen each other in Jr. High School gym shorts is WAY more embarrassing than a dirty house.
If there was a DEFCON Zero, you'd be it.
I once went into DEFCOM 4 mode for a family party. The weather was nice, we began the celebration on the front patio, and nobody ever went in the house!
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