Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Spring + Rhymes With Orange

It was 68 degrees and sunny in Pittsburgh today! And the sun came out! I wore flip-flops on my ugly feet to celebrate! Because it's spring! Yay!

Smelling the Spring-Is-Here pheramone in the air, our local college chix immediately stripped and began prancing naked in the streets. This would be fine, were it not for the fact that all these girls are orange. Bad fake-tanning orange. Ryan Seacrest with boobs and a tube top orange.

I know nobody wants legs resembling pre-cooked turkey drumsticks under that fluttery new skirt. I know fake tanning helps delay those pesky melanomas and (gasp) wrinkles. But it's not worth it! Your orangeness is causing car accidents and blinding little old ladies. Migrating birds are being driven off course by the unearthly glow emitted by your skin.

It's OK to go out and frolic without that stuff. Really. Now, before you freak, please note the following fake tan facts:

1.) If you're living in a cold, un-sunny place, a natural tan ain't happening.

2.) If you get an UN-natural tan in the aforementioned cold place, you don't look 'healthy' or like you've 'been vacationing in South Beach'. You look orange.

3.) ALL fake tans make you look orange.

4.) Yes. Even the one you use.

5.) Yep, the one your friend recommended, too. It does puddle up on your knees and it is streaky.

6.) Uh-huh, everyone CAN tell that it's fake.

Put the bottles down people! Go forth in your natural, blinding glory and cavort! Give those college girls a run for their money! Do it for Spring!

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 3/30/2005 09:03:00 PM


  1. Blogger Caroline posted at 9:37 PM  
    Okay, first off, I TOTALLY agree with you on the disturbing sloth-like appearance of Vince Vaughn. I knew he looked like SOMETHING, I just couldn't figure out what. Thank you.

    Anywho, I also went out today, got ice cream, and I had pretty toes for my flip flops because I got a free pedicure last weekend a la my best friend's birthday, although I usually rebel and go polishless. My punishment was a splotchy sunburn. Hopefully I can go back to my usual crackerlike shade soon; red hurts.
  2. Blogger Circus Kelli posted at 9:43 PM  
    Amen, sistah!

    Y'all are ORANGE! Why pay for skin cancer when you can wait a few weeks and get it for free??
  3. Anonymous mrtl posted at 10:18 PM  
    Mentioning turkey and tans together makes me think of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer bastes himself in butter to tan and appeared in a hallucination as a Thanksgiving turkey.

    Sign me
    Proud to Be Pasty
  4. Anonymous mrtl posted at 10:18 PM  
    Mentioning turkey and tans together makes me think of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer bastes himself in butter to tan and appeared in a hallucination as a Thanksgiving turkey.

    Sign me
    Proud to Be Pasty
  5. Anonymous Anonymous posted at 10:59 PM  
    Fake tans suck ass. No matter how hard you try, you have darker spots, streaky spots, light spots. Whats the point?
    Oh well.

  6. Blogger marybishop posted at 7:52 AM  
    I adore 3 and 4. How many times a friend will say: but this fake-tanner was expensive - it doesn't turn you orange.

    Then a tangerine in a tube top shows up at your door. Whoa!

    ( gotta talk fruit on this blog..)
  7. Blogger Holy Schmidt posted at 9:11 AM  
    I cannot tell a lie, here anyway, I got to a tanning bed for 2 months before summer. But I don't do it to get so fucking dark that I look like a catcher's mit. Just to get a good base tan. We live in Texas, so the sun is brutal if you don't have a base tan.

    Nice snausages BTW!
  8. Blogger Nessa posted at 9:59 AM  
    nice toesies!! I'm with schmidt - I have to tan in the bed 2 months before summer as well - I use the opportunity at lunch to take a nap in a bed. pretty sure it's not that great for me, but at least I won't look all scary and ghost-like as I do today!!!!! totally agree with you on the self-tanner bit though!!!!
  9. Anonymous buttergun posted at 1:20 PM  
    Don't they know it just makes them look like they have jaundice? Nobody wants to get busy with a girl with jaundice.
  10. Blogger echrai posted at 2:42 PM  
    How I agree. I will never ever use those icky creams, splashes, dips, and dollops. I'm thinking I might invest in a tanning place before I head off to a glorious vacation this summer since I haven't had opportunity to get sun in... uh... three years? Yeah, I'm paler than pale. Most people think I'm a total burner as a result. I'm not. Got Italian blood in me somewhere. I'm horribly jealous of those who do the tanning salon thing normally. Not to the point of looking like burnt toast, but the ones who do it just enough to stay healthy looking. A girl at my office does that and I hate her. She's also tall, thin, and looks like a model. Did I mention I hate her?
  11. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 2:31 PM  
    Goddamn, my feet are ugly.
  12. Anonymous candy posted at 1:44 AM  
    hey now, if we are going to be proud of the white legs, we gotta be proud of the ugly toes too. my mom makes fun of my toes but i wear my sandles all summer long anyway. flaunt the piggies!

    as for the blinding people with the orange... i'm afraid my glowing white legs have the same affect. but, being blond, fair & of scandinavian descent, ain't much i can do about it. so, i wear shorts & skirts and say "damn you tanned people! damn you all to hell!"

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