Monday, April 11, 2005

Fruit Boots...Now, With Tassels!

I don't claim to be a fashion maven, since I figure wearing converse, jeans and a black t-shirt every damn day disqualifies me for fashion superstardom. But I saw something which disturbed me deeply this morning.

A 20-25 year old male, wearing TASSELED LOAFERS. This kind:

Fruit Boots
*Image courtesy of*

These shoes are wrong. I've been told that they're purchased under the auspices of comfort, and I respect comfort, yes indeed. Comfort is the reason why I refuse to wear pantyhose at work, and subsequently blind my coworkers with fishbelly-white legs. But last time I checked my comfort instruction book, tassels were not required. Tassels are for strippers, curtains and nothing else.

For some reason, Papa Spurious has always referred to tasseled loafers as ‘fruit boots’ (ah…fruit history), asserting that the cut and tassel-iness of this footwear looks "fruity". Now before you jump on my Papa's case, remember he's old. He also owns and WEARS several pairs of 'fruit boots', purchased by Mama Spurious, so he's obviously not too hardcore about it.

But Papa Spurious is an old dude. Old dudes are permitted by the fashion police to wear clothing normally unacceptable the sphere of a 20-25 year old.

If you are a 20 year old male, you know better than to wear fruit boots. Scary thing was, you could tell by this kid's strut that he thought he looked good. He couldn't have bought them for himself because, God...who would? But regardless of where they were acquired, he should never have left the house. When you see fruit boots in your closet, you can take one of two paths, like a 'Choose Your Own Adventure' story:

Should You Choose to Keep Them
Hand over your membership card to the Church of Cool Manhood, because tassels result in instant excommunication. You won't be hanging out with hot chicks unless you're stuffing money in their g-strings. (See? Strippers=tassels)

Should You Choose To Not Keep Them:
Remember, they must be completely destroyed, so as not to alter the fashion life of future generations. Set them on fire, or see if you can stuff them in a document shredder. Then get your ass to Kenneth Cole or some shit.
Random Fruit Fact: The Saskatoon

“Saskatoons were a favorite of interior native peoples. The Secwepemc name for saskatoon translates as "real berry." Bears seem to agree, black bears often frequent areas where there are lots of saskatoons. The fruit is sweet and if you chew the seeds you may notice an almond-cherry flavor.”

Learn more about saskatoons, here.

You can also learn about Dr. Jocelyn Ozga at University of Alberta, and her tireless efforts to bring saskatoons to your local grocery store (since they spoil in 6 seconds when left to their own devices), here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/11/2005 10:28:00 PM


  1. Blogger laurenbove posted at 11:48 AM  
    I thought Saskatoon was a small town in Missouri! Oh well, shows ya what I know.

    Have you ever heard of a fruit called pluot? Or something like it? I was at the grocery yesterday to buy 4 plums and ended up with 11 dollars of plums mistakenly charged as pluoits. What the?

    I can't stand the tassel thing...but I do remember when Bass penny loafers w/a penny in them, were da bomb diggedy. Does that make me Old? Don't answer.

    Cheers and Happy Monday Plum!
  2. Blogger Susie posted at 1:10 PM  
    Oh, Plum, you break my tasseled heart. Must be an age thing. Loafer tassels DO make them more comfortable. And plus, you can pretend to be an Indian in tassel loafers. What? They do so. Shut up. OK, how about this, tassels OVER 40 mean you're REALLY HOT, but tassels under 30 mean you SUCK. Deal? (The 30s, I don't know, more research needs to be done there...) And I am wondering, thanks to lb's comment, where do you stand on (in) penny loafers? Even when they were IT, I thought they were dorky. Coins don't add anything to comfort.
  3. Anonymous suburban*misfit posted at 1:34 PM  
    Icky. There's a whole mentality that goes along with those shoes, at least when the wearer is under 30. And it's not good.
  4. Blogger Ern posted at 2:09 PM  
    What WAS he thinking? Of course, in my younger days in Utah, I had no idea what to wear myself.

    I have a "What were you thinking" shoes post that I have been meaning to write myself. If I write it you won't think I'm copying, right? There are no tassels anywhere in sight.
  5. Anonymous TAF posted at 2:20 PM  
    I was on jury duty with a cowed, obsequious 20-something techboy/whiteboy named Nathan who wore tasselled loafers. He was a pro ballroom dancer who wouldn't stop fucking staring at me for the duration of the trial; I was ready to rip off his tassels AND his nutsack, although given his submissive nature, he probably liked that I hated his guts.
  6. Blogger uglyagnes posted at 3:14 PM  
    Those are rough. Once i saw a man in provincetown wearing this weird sandal/tassel concoction. The worst part was, the guy had a french pedicure on his toes! EW big tan hairy toes with a french ped? WEIRDness.
  7. Blogger Kitsune posted at 4:31 PM  
    Not just for old dudes! Get 'em in black and they are choice foot covers for school girls on this side of the globe. Of course, it's part of their uniform and most of them opt for the san-tassel package anyway.

    Maybe this 20 something was a school girl in congnito? ...this post is becoming disturbing...
  8. Anonymous Anonymous posted at 6:41 PM  
    What constitutes a French pedicure?

    El Guapo
  9. Blogger Annejelynn posted at 7:00 PM  
    bwah ha ha ha - an uncle and myself teased my father about his Rockport 'fruit boots' - one of my uncles began to call him "Mr. Casual Shoes." After years of this, he no longer wears tassles
  10. Anonymous Anonymous posted at 7:29 PM  
    Was said 20-something named "Skip" or "Biff" or something along the lines of country club obnoxious? The first thing that came to this Kitten's mind was this guy I went to college with who was all about the country club prep. *shudder*


    Kittengirly (aka Heidi P-O, with the Hubby who loves Pink Floyd)
  11. Anonymous kalki posted at 8:59 PM  
    Plum, I couldn't agree more. That tassel shit just ain't right. And this includes not only shoes, but curtains, bedspreads (shut up, that's what some people call them), and scarves. Nipple tassels, however? Perfectly fine.
  12. Blogger Caroline posted at 4:57 AM  
    Yea, leave the tassles on the pasties and STEP AWAY!
  13. Blogger Caroline posted at 4:57 AM  
    Is it bad that I know the technical term for nipple tassles?
  14. Anonymous Anonymous posted at 7:21 AM  
    Tassles? ewww. He must not have a girlfriend to dress him. There are some men who can dress themselves very well. Some need to watch 'what NOT to wear'. Obviously, this dude hasent seen that show.

  15. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 8:30 AM  
    Goodness! Who knew ya'll would get all riled up about shoes....Here's the deal:

    Chicks can wear things with tassels. Tassels are decorative and that's what shoes for chicks are all about. So schoolgirls and chicks who like penny loafers are OK, I suppose.

    But if you're a dude under 40? NO TASSELS! "Weird sandal/tassel concoctions" (Agnes, where do you hang out?) are NOT acceptable.

    Also, it's NEVER a bad thing to know that nipple tassels are called pasties. You're a woman of the world, Caroline. Be proud.

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