Thursday, April 21, 2005

The Eagle Has Flown + From The Mouths Of Firemen

Old Friend has packed his bags and flown home, and things are slowly returning to normal. Although Mateo and I are once again free to do impromptu underwear dances around the house, we’ll still miss him something fierce. We’d like him to stay longer, but

A.) This ain’t his house.
B.) I can’t keep up a DEFCON 5 cleaning level for more than a 8 days, and
C.) He’s got to go back to saving people’s lives and making all the bitches scream, because he’s a fireman.

Old Friend has been a fireman (or almost a fireman) for the entire time I’ve known him. Strangely, Mateo and I know lots of firefighters. Fathers, grandfathers, friends and neighbors have all been wearing yellow hats and eating lots of ice cream for Lord knows how long. For those of you unaware of such things, hanging out with a bunch of fire-obsessed dudes in 24 hour work shifts creates a tiny, fire-obsessed civilization. There’s a whole culture of fireman specific food, odd discussion, obsessive compulsive behavior and best of all, fireman slang.

When we hang out with Old Friend we get a fireman slang update, the fruits of which we subsequently incorporate into our daily lives. This means random, non-fireman people in my life are now aware of the following words and phrases*:

Like a Monkey Fucking a Football - To do a task awkwardly. "The team looks like shit! It's like a monkey fucking a football out there!" There's actually a website for this.

Side ass - The girlfriend your wife doesn't know about. Oftentimes, the girlfriend who doesn't know about your wife, either. "Don't write my wife's name on the board, my side ass is coming for a visit."

Clusterfuck (or Clusterama for the kids)–A situation in which everything has gone wrong. Like SNAFU, but funner to say. "This traffic jam is a total clusterfuck!"

MDK (Mama Don't Know) Account - An account in which you keep extra money for things you don't want your wife to know about. Like strippers. Or a divorce. Or your side ass.
"Every time he had a fight with his wife, he put $300 in his MDK account. At the end of it all he had $25,000!”

Don't know about you, but saying this shit just makes me feel classy.

*Please bear in mind that the following terms are not solely confined to the firefighting profession. Nor is Old Friend in possession of side ass OR an MDK account. He’s a good boy.
Random Fruit Fact: The Bael Fruit

“Indonesians beat the pulp of the ripe fruit with palm sugar and eat the mixture at breakfast. The sweetened pulp is a source of sherbet in the subcontinent. Jam, pickle, marmalade, syrup, jelly, squash and toffee are some of the products of this versatile fruit. Young bael leaves are a salad green in Thailand.”

And for all you intestinally troubled folks, the bael fruit is also believed to be the best cure for constipation, EVER. Better shoot an email to Queen Dooce.

Learn more about the bael fruit, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/21/2005 10:58:00 AM


  1. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 11:11 AM  
    I am also on the periphary of a number of firemen and you are right in your statement that they sorta create their own universe. Where is your friend a fireman at? Is he a hot fireman or is he similar to one of the ones I know that do not look like they will be on a calendar any time soon?
  2. Blogger Squirll posted at 12:32 PM  
    i wouldent want to eat this fruit on a deserted tropical island. chances are they wouldent have the appropriate facilities.
  3. Blogger Nessa posted at 12:35 PM  
    As the wife of a fireman - yep - you hit the nail on the head! It's another world - like a bunch of frat boys stuck at a firestation every other day - seriously - think "Animal House" & you've bought a ticket to firehouse antics!
  4. Blogger marybishop posted at 3:00 PM  
    I want to address "The Bael Fruit". I clicked on the link you provided to know more, and I read this:

    "Bael fruit pulp has a soap-like action that made it a household cleaner for hundreds of years. The sticky layer around the unripe seeds is household glue that also finds use in jewellery-making. The glue, mixed with lime, waterproofs wells and cements walls."

    I'm sorry but I think the bael fruit has lost all its appeal to me. I don't want to wash with a bananna , nor would I like to glue my jewelry together with pear seeds either.

    I say we move it off the "fruit list" and on to household helpers. Even give it a rating DEFCON 8 cleaner.

    Also it should carry a warning: never mix this fruit with limes - or your whole insides might become waterproof.
  5. Blogger laurenbove posted at 4:00 PM  
    You should have used Bael Fruit on your bathroom floor tiles!

    I've posted the Caipirinha recipe for your pleasure. I wish I could muddle one for you and serve it myself,alas, you'll have to have your Mateo do it for me. I'm sure you'll forgive me. ;)

    Cheers and enjoy the very best summer drink ever ever ever. (Mojitos suck)
  6. Anonymous LadyBug posted at 8:09 PM  
    Love the fireman slang, although I've heard a couple already.

    I'm surrounded by law enforcement men, who also have a language and attitude all their own.
  7. Anonymous honestyrain posted at 8:12 PM  
    and so are we all now searching for the hidden MDK account? mine says he's too lazy to cheat on me. i buy that.
  8. Blogger Ern posted at 9:21 PM  
    Firemen eat ice cream a lot? I was not aware of that! And I'm totally adopting "Clusterfuck/clusterama" into my vocabulary. The others...I'm not gonna touch.
  9. Blogger Susie posted at 10:09 PM  
    My monkey prefers a bowling ball.
    Who knew firefighters were such sluts?
  10. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 10:14 PM  
    Two things:

    Susie - all men are sluts regardless of profession.

    Ern - "Clusterfuck" is like the most awesome word ever. It has multiple uses and still has that shock factor that the immature person in me loves. Use it in good health.
  11. Anonymous kalki posted at 12:33 AM  
    Oooh, I love learning new words, especially ones that have fuck in them. Clusterfuck is fucktastic!
  12. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 8:42 AM  
    SFG: Old friend is LA County Fire. He's young, so he's relatively good looking, but he's so deep in the 'friend zone' that I can't really gauge his cuteness. And I understand the non-calendar appropriate dudes, Mateo's Dad is a 55 year old captain and he thinks he's a stone cold fox. Yeesh.

    Silly Nessa:You MARRIED a fireman? You're on the fast track to sainthood, sister. Naw, if you bagged him, he must be great!

    Squirll, Mary Bishop and Laurenbove: The bael fruit is a little complicated, but so am I. Just stay away from the fumes! I'll try that on my tiles for sure next time (maybe they'll just disintegrate completely...) And Lauren, that drink sounds AWESOME!

    Honestyrain - Mateo says the same thing when I bring this kind of stuff up. "One relationship is PLENTY, thanks." I'm not sure if I should be flattered or not...

    Susie and Ern- Fireman are total ho-bags. Especially for ice cream. It's used as a bartering tool, and as payment for bets. like "we made it to the fire first! You owe us a 5 gallon jug!" 5 gallons!

    Kalki- Fucktatic? I'm totally using that.
  13. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 8:44 AM  
    Ladybug: Didn't want to forget you! I bet law enforcement has all of these too. I heard that most of them were actually used in the military and just trickled down.
  14. Blogger Nessa posted at 9:46 AM  
    I am definitely on my way to sainthood - along with the other crazy women in my life that married 'em too! The ol' story goes that all firemen get married at least twice cuz they just can't do it once. I used to joke with hubby that he needed to go marry someone else & then come back & marry me so I could keep him forever - he wasn't buying it! We've also discussed the MDK Account - a lot of them do have them - mine knows that he might possibly lose one of his "boys" if he ever considers it - LOL!!! And the ice cream - yeah, buff boy doesn't let it in our house, but what's he eating at the station at 11 PM? Ice cream - with BROWNIES!!! those bitches!
  15. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 10:20 AM  
    Go Nessa!

    I say go for the left one if he tries to drop the MDK bomb.

    And I've never understod why they chicks a hard time about chocolate and desserty things. All they do is watch TV, talk about boobs, and eat sweet things. I hope they get asses as big as mine in time.... but they won't. Cause they're boys.

  16. Blogger Random and Odd posted at 12:40 PM  
    I loves me my fruit updates!

    I saw 'plum art' the other day and I almost bought it to send to you!!
  17. Blogger Kristine posted at 10:14 AM  
    Okay, I know this post isn't new, but I had to get in on the action as it were, cause I'm married to a fireman too...the monkey football thing? mine says monkey fucking a turtle...maybe it's a Canadian thing? Clusterfuck is also common here. Now, for the side ass and MDK...I'm with the others who said he'd lose body parts over the side hubby knows I'd tell his mom, and she'd do all the dirty work for me LOL...and the MDK isn't possible cause I always have his bank card and he asks ME if he can have some money, which of course I always find hilarious (i'm a SAHM who makes ZERO money)..."you mean you want some of YOUR money? what the hell for?" much eye rolling ensues on my part, cause well, DUHHH

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