The Spurious Plum

Just Because It's Free, Doesn't Mean You Get To Act Like An Ass

This afternoon I worked a pizza party fundraiser for our annual Boy Scout food drive at work. Nobody really wanted to head up the party, but we got suckered into it. We’re trying to get as much food/money as possible in the next 2 weeks, all of which will be donated to local charities. Except the gay ones. The Boy Scouts can be a trifle homophobic.

Hey, Boy Scouts. QUIT THAT!

Our Administration agreed to use their slush fund for a social event with pizza, soda, and salad as an incentive to increase donations. We baited people with free pizza for $5 or 5 cans of food, figuring we’d get about 75 people for chow.

Everything looked cool when we set up for lunch and ordered the pizzas, but I immediately saw trouble. We had ordered 200 pieces of pizza, but some greedy bitches were walking out with 8-9 slices at a time. They’d cheerfully chirp, “I’ll be back for more!” and walk off with 4 vertical feet of pizza, 16 sodas stuffed in their pockets and a vat of salad balanced on their head.

Of course, we ran out of food and had to order more, which is when things went south. While we were waiting, the natives got restless.

Now before I continue, I need to clarify a thing or two. I completely understand the sweet, siren song of free pizza (well, sorta free). Pizza is one of my not-so-secret weaknesses, and I turn into a murderous, cheese-gobbling monkey whenever I come across it. And if it’s free…bitches, stand back. I’ll eat you too.

Which is why I understood the group grumpiness at first. These folks held up their end of the bargain by bringing food or money and they wanted some pizza, dammit! But I’d never done this before, and had no idea that my entire building would take 10 pieces of pizza EACH. The food team offered to call folks when more food arrived, in case they needed to get back to work. We offered to give them their money/food back. We tried everything we could to make them happy.

But after awhile, things just got nasty:

“I think this was poorly planned. You did a crap job!”

“We wanted to take our food upstairs and play poker for lunch. You RUINED our lunch!”

“Why don’t you do this RIGHT next time? I have more important things to do than wait around while YOU make mistakes.”

“I hope they give this job to someone else next year, you guys totally suck at it.”

In what universe are these comments appropriate? Being crazed with hunger does NOT entitle you to carte blanche asshole status. So this goes out to all of the insensitive shitheads who made me and my food drive team feel like donkey-shit.

COME DOWN HERE AND DO THIS SHIT YOURSELF NEXT TIME, YOU FATASS, POKER-PLAYING, UBERCRITICAL DICKWEEDS!
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Random Fruit Fact: Sea Buckthorn

There's a giant healthfood cult based around sea buckthorn oil, but I'll skip that. I'm all about the fruit, people.

"reaches 2–4 m in height in natural habitats and bears yellow or orange-red berries, referred to as “Siberian pineapple” in Russia, because of its taste and juiciness"

'Siberian pineapple'. There's two words I never thought I'd see together. Learn more about the Super Sea Buckthorn, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/22/2005 03:19:00 PM