Monday, May 02, 2005

Heeeeeeeeeey, Girrrrl!

So I got this cute little Jones New York blouse that makes me feel like Maggie Gyllenhaal’s fatter, more stylistically challenged sister. Which sounds bad, but is actually totally a good thing. I couldn’t find a picture of my new blouse online, but it’s made out of rayon and is all vintage and flippy looking. Yummy. I decide to wear it to work, with super high heels, jeans and a sweater. Feeling seriously quirky/cute, thank you so much.

As I walk down the alleyway to lunch, a HUGE truck pulls up and blocks my path. A typical look-at-what-I-got-to-overcompensate-for-my-small-penis truck. As I walk around it (since it’s hogging up the whole alleyway), a truly fat, slimy dude leans out of the truck window and shouts, “Heeeeeey, girl!”

I look around to see if he’s being nasty to someone else, cause it couldn’t be me. I never think it’s me. People can honk, wave, shout, flip me off or get shot right in front of me, but I'll never see them, cause I never think it has anything to do with me. I'm self centered that way. It’s a gift.

Mr. Trucknastiness continues, “You’re looking guuuuuud……what’s your name?”

And since I’m Spurious, the Queen Of The Snappy Comeback I say, “Uh…”

“Girl, are you married? Cuz if yur not…”

“Hell yes, I am! Bye!”

Whereupon I begin hustling/walking really fast down the alley in high heels. In case you’re unaware, hustling in high heels looks stupid. Yet as I run, Mr. Trucknastiness yells after me, “Yeah, girl! Yeah!!!”

Yuck.

As I hustle my way into Baja Fresh for my lunch (tortilla soup with chicken, 6 limes and a big ass root beer), I approach the mirrored salsa bar and finally catch a glimpse of myself.

My boobs are bouncing around like a jailyard tetherball.

As I walk, the lethal combination of my flippy rayon shirt and ludicrously high heels make my rack look like two furiously shaking water balloons, taped to my chest.

Lemme know if you need a picture.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 5/02/2005 03:59:00 PM

19 Comments

  1. Anonymous Heidi P-O posted at 4:46 PM  
    *giggles unrelentlesly* As a former big-boobed woman, I can so picture that visual in a non-sexual way. ;)
  2. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 7:45 PM  
    I also have a giant rack so I can so sympathize. God love ya for rockin' the heels though. I am way too much of a slackass and slave to comfort to kill myself like that. At least the fat dude has taste!!!!!
  3. Blogger Susie posted at 10:05 PM  
    Well, yeah, of course a picture is needed. Sounds like your blouse is pretty and you looked adorable. And the truckdriver -- "Motherfucker stole my lunch." Come see me sometime for a translation, or just trust me.
  4. Anonymous lawbrat posted at 12:32 AM  
    LOL- I can just see you hustling down the alleyway in the heels! That is so not an easy thing to do. I've tried hustling in little heels, and almost broke my neck. And, yes. Pictures are a must.
  5. Blogger Aurora posted at 6:48 AM  
    I hate it when nasty men do that! Hustling in heels in an art, one which i don't think i will ever master...
  6. Anonymous kalki posted at 7:58 AM  
    Oh Plum, you're fabulous. And you don't know how relieved I am that you didn't have a catchy comeback to Mr. Bought A Truck Cause I Never Get Fucked. I never come up with anything clever to say to those creeps, either!
  7. Blogger Squirl posted at 8:20 AM  
    I can sympathize with the boob bouncing. Always happens at the wrong time. I also have that "who are they honking at, can't be me" thing going. Especially since I'm not a young chick anymore.

    I agree with Susie, the Motherfucker stole your lunch.
  8. Blogger Circus Kelli posted at 8:31 AM  
    Mr. Truck Guy was a "no lipped chicken licker", without a doubt.

    Aside from the excess boobalage, though, I'm sure you looked smokin hot, Plummie.

    Me though, I've never had any excess boobalage... they got pretty impressive though when I was pregnant with our third little clown...
  9. Blogger mrtl posted at 9:15 AM  
    Great boobaly moobaly!

    Self-righteous me is thinking you should get his ass back by reporting him.
  10. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 9:38 AM  
    Heidi Po- Former big-boobed woman? What happened? Who stole your boobs! Call the boob police!

    SFG- I think the fat dude was up drinkin' moonshine or smooching on his cousin the night before, and I was just a rebound. But thanks anyway.

    Susie- HA! Oh crap! I'm totaly gonna preach the "gospel of 'motherfucker stole my lunch' to all my peeps. Ew. I just used 'peeps'. Thanks!

    Lawbrizzle - Hey, I've seen a pic of your rack, I'm sure you can heelhustle too. How about this, evryone should post heelhustly rack pics for next SPD. Maybe?

    Airea - I didn't say I was ADEPT at hustling in heels. In fact I'm 100% sure I looked like an ass...But thanks!

    Kalki- It's ridiculous. I thought of 50 snappy comebacks on the way to Baja Fresh, but couldn't think of one while the mouthbreather hit me up. Dammit.

    Squirl- Don't give me that. You're totally a young woman. If you're under 120 years old, you officially qualify as a young chickadee. Bounce, sister!

    CK- Thank for the compliment! The one you gave to me, not the 'no lipped chicken licker' guy. Good one!

    MRTL- Yeah, like "How's My Propositioning" Call 1-800-BOOB-PATROL.
  11. Blogger echrai posted at 9:51 AM  
    Back when I was thin and pretty, my usual response to such creeps was to look pointedly at their crotch, then burst out laughing and slowly, in a dignified manner, walk away, still laughing. It usually worked. Now, I get excited if a sleezebag gives me a double-take cause it means I'm having a good day. Man, I feel old and fat. :)
  12. Blogger Candace posted at 10:09 AM  
    Boobs? Oh, those things I had *before* I had kids and then used to feed them and then they disappeared? *sigh*
  13. Anonymous LadyBug posted at 10:59 AM  
    You'll get no boob pics from me.

    They don't make wide-angle lenses that can capture the grandeur of my mountainous mammaries.

    (And by grandeur, I of course mean, tremendous pain in the ass, er, back.)
  14. Blogger Annejelynn posted at 11:04 AM  
    you had to ask?
    of course we want a picture!
  15. Blogger Closet Metro posted at 12:24 PM  
    Damn straight we want pictures. Front, back, profile, and action shots.
  16. Blogger Nessa posted at 12:49 PM  
    picture! picture! picture!!
  17. Blogger Candace posted at 7:50 PM  
    TAG! You're it!

    http://suburbanmisfit.blogspot.com/
  18. Blogger Amy posted at 9:31 PM  
    I love the 'seriously quirky/cute'. Perfect description for a flippy blouse and jeans and heelz.
  19. Blogger spoonleg posted at 6:37 PM  
    Yeah, girl! Yeah!!

    Representin' with those big taa-taa's. Shake what your mama gave ya.

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