Saturday, May 07, 2005

Another Fashion Bitch Slap

Stretch pants are bad. No, really.

Some believe that the good name of strech pants has been befouled by the fashion choices of voluptuous women, but don't fall for it. Don't blame the curvy ladies, they take enough shit. Uh-uh, I'm an equal opportunity stretch pant hater.

Stretch pants aren't just horrible for 'certain body types’, they're actively bad on EVERYONE. I'll repeat that for the benefit of the unfortunate stretch pant viewing public:

STRETCH PANTS ARE BAD ON EVERYONE.

If Juliette Freaking Lewis can't pull this shit off,



what kind of chance do normal human beings have?

Now before someone jumps up and protests, let me be clear. Unlike the fruit boots issue, I'm unwilling to make concessions on this one. I'm holding the line. Stretch pants are ALL bad.

They're an abomination with fringes, in patterns, in denim, or in pleather. Icky every day, and in every way. Solid colors suck too.

I've heard the excuses.

'I'm just going to the market for 5 minutes.'
'I'm using them as pyjamas.'
'I'm pregnant, and nothing else fits.'
'I take a yoga class and they allow freedom of muuuuuuuuuuuvment.'

Horsepucky. They'll always wind up bunched around your knees, and stuffed so far up into the reproductive netherworld of your croch that you'll think you're giving birth to the antichrist. Demon cameltoe (aided and abetted by his friend Mr. Spandex, of course) is here to crash your stretch pant party, squeezing things into public view that just shouldn't be seen.

Oh, and just as a heads up, when your pants are INSIDE YOU and you reach for that box of Special K in the supermarket, I can see your uterus.

To review, here are the people who can't wear stretch pants:
No one can wear them. Not curvy people, or petite people, or babies (baby's cute, not the pants), or dudes, or pregnant ladies, or baseball players, or punk rockers, or even on famous people (see poor Juliette). Nobody, dammit!

Here are just a few of the places it's NOT OK to wear stretch pants:
Not OK in yoga class, or for running, or at the market, or even at the ren-faire. It’s NEVER OK.

Not convinced? Take a picture of yourself. Now look at that picture and remember how hot you though you looked in your bicycle pants with suspenders in th eearly 90's.

I'll get the scissors.
_________________________________
Random Fruit Fact: Strech Fruit Leather

"Stretch Island Fruit Leather™ is simply dried fruit in a bar.A convenient, portable fruit, in your pocket…without the squish! "

See? Bet they make pants too. It ain't natural.Learn more about fruit leather (gah!), here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 5/07/2005 10:50:00 PM

17 Comments

  1. Blogger Caroline posted at 3:14 AM  
    Oh my god, I can't stop laughing.

    And I eat fruit leather, it's good.

    So there.

    :)
  2. Anonymous lawbrat posted at 7:43 AM  
    I dying over here! Wont you be my neighbor? It would be so much fun. You are a trip. By the way, I dont wear stretch pants. Neither do the kids, or the dog.
  3. Blogger mrtl posted at 10:16 AM  
    You're too funny, and I had a pair of stretchies that is dangerously close to the pair Juliette's wearing... pink paisley perfection!

    Why are they bringing these back so soon? I thought the regular turnover was at least 20 years.

    At least they don't have stirrups.
  4. Blogger kilowatthour posted at 4:18 PM  
    ooooo i had some magenta stirrup pants circa 1986. paired with an oversized green and yellow sweatshirt, natch.
  5. Blogger Torrie posted at 5:39 PM  
    You couldn't be more right.
  6. Blogger Ern posted at 7:46 PM  
    Those look like cartoon vaginas on her pants. Ugh. Which reminds me of another thing no one should wear. Uggs. Ugh. You are super funny! I especially like your Target pictures. You and Mateo sound like me and my husband. Happy mother's day!
  7. Blogger marybishop posted at 8:04 PM  
    Ah yes, the mysteries of the stretch pants or is it pant? I agree dear Plum with all that you said -- our bodies don't stretch nor should our clothing.

    My favorite aspect of stretch pants is the knee area..it actually does stretch - but never returns to its original shape leaving knee bags which I find less than attractive. Knees in general are poorly made, lumpy and funny looking at best...knee bags have no redeeming value in my mind.
  8. Blogger Random and Odd posted at 12:08 AM  
    Remember the saying: "Stretch pants...they're a priviledge, not a right."

    Now it's not either.
  9. Blogger Jen Spedowfski-Martin posted at 1:38 AM  
    Oh great...you made me drop my Zoloft. I was getting them out of the bottle when I was reading your fashion pants thingy and BAM...they spilled, but I think I got them all. But if Piper the kitty is acting more peppy than usual tomorrow, we'll know why.

    Anyway...that's besides the point. I loved this...I hate stretch pants but used to adore them. I have finally phased mine out. I have gigan-tor ass since Cassidy was born and there isn't a sweatshirt large enough to cover my butt and not slope off my shoulders.

    I didn't even know they came with fringes. And I won't be showing the pleather picture to hubby...Lord knows what kinda trouble that'd get me into. Thanks for the laughs!
  10. Blogger Susie posted at 9:00 AM  
    Not even on babies?
    Not even for exercising?
    OK. I got rid of my "leggings" at about the same time I got rid of my stirrup pants and TV-watching shirt. (I still have those brown ones -- they're my HOUSECLEANING pants, Plum!)
  11. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 9:24 AM  
    They are just bad. I could not agree more.
  12. Blogger Amy posted at 9:55 AM  
    I am thrilled that someone finally pointed out that stretch pants are not for babies.

    Big waddling diaper bum tapering to little wee ankles in a pair of skin tight stretch pants=NOT CUTE.

    Great post.
  13. Blogger Closet Metro posted at 10:08 AM  
    My ex used to have a pair of light pinkish-beige stretch pants. She wore them to work one day, and had someone run over to her to tell her that from a distance, they thought she was nekkid from the waist down.
  14. Blogger Squirl posted at 10:14 AM  
    Clost Metro, that was a great example of what Plum is trying to tell us here.

    Plum you are so right. I was skinny as a rail when they were first out but never could into wearing them. Major Camel Toe is NOT comfortable. Thanks for the great post!
  15. Blogger That one chick posted at 10:29 AM  
    I'm so thankful that I am young enough to not remember the horrible stretch pant.....and thanks for the reminder to burn the pics of me as a little kid wearing them!!!
  16. Blogger Aurora posted at 11:33 AM  
    AHHHHH the flashbacks!!!! My mum used to make me wear them in elementary school! Oh the wrongness...i must go find sissors now. *shudder*
  17. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 4:01 PM  
    Caroline- Is fruit leather really good? I'm suspicious. Is it like fruit roll ups?

    Lawbrat - Damn! I forgot all about PETS in stretch pants!

    MRTL - Pretty new pic, lady!Way prettier than stirrup pants, that's for sure.

    Killowatthour- GAH! What an image. Um, thanks for stopping by.

    Torri, SFG and Kristine- Ah, it's just nice to have simple validation sometimes...

    Ern- My husband and I are loons. But we're happy loons. We're afraid to reproduce, cause our kids DNA would explode with looniness.

    Marybishop- The saggy knee thing also happens with pantyhose, another of Satan's fashion designs.

    JenMartin- Thanks for stopping by, sorry I made you drop your drugs. Drugs are goooood.

    Susie- I love you, you know I do. But don't make me run a stretch pant intervention on your ass. It'd be a loving intervention, but just the same. Step away, and fall into the trust quilt. Thaaaat's it.

    Amy- we have a responsibility as adults to teach the babies what's acceptable and what's a big no-no. Stretch pants SO fall into the latter category.

    CM- The only thing that could make this funnier would be if your initial dating of the EX was prompted by the fact you thought she was walking naked because of those pants. Hell, it's a funny story anyway.

    Squirl- Good girl. Follow those 'Aw HELL naw' instincts.

    That One Chick and Airea- Consider keeping the pics as a reminder of what can happen when baby fashion goes horribly wrong.(I'm sure you were both cute kids!)

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