Monday, August 01, 2005

Memo To The Fashion Impaired Public – The Pleated Menace

I know I'm not the first person to discuss this, nor will I be the last.

I've seen a lot of people in the hot summer weather wearing voluminous pleated shorts and a tucked-in shirt. Please be advised that:

Pleated Shorts + Tucked-In Shirt = Your Ticket To Fashion Abomination City Has Been Punched.

***THIS IS A TEST OF THE TANGENT SYSTEM***
Really, anything pleated or tucked-in is bad news, but let's just leave it at this:

Pleats
Contrary to the lies regarding the vertical slimming effect of pleats, the bastards actually draw attention to areas most of us try to downplay. If you bought into the pleat myth, let me tell you, YOU GOT HOSED. Burn everything now and repeat after me: flat front. You'll thank me later.

Tucking-in
I'm smart enough to know when I'm beat. If you're tucking-in, you probably have a tuck-in history. I can't compete with history. But someday just TRY un-tucking. Note that you don't have a circle of sweat around your tummy when you unbutton your pants. Note that it doesn't matter if you're wearing a belt or not, since no one can see. Feel the breezes breezing under your shirt and revel in your sweet monkey freedom. It's like vacation everyday. You'll convert, I swear.
***THIS HAS BEEN A TEST OF THE TANGENT SYSTEM. HAD THIS BEEN A REAL TANGENT, THE ORIGINAL TOPIC WOULD BE LOST, AND WE'D BE FUCKED, WOULDN'T WE? THANK YOU***

So. Tucked in Pleated Shorts Syndrome (or The Pleated Menace).

Mateo and didn't see much of The Pleated Menace in California, FOR IT IS BLASPHEMY. You're cruising for a bruising with the Shorts Gods if you fuck with their natural order. Maybe some folks enjoy a good smiting, but that's what dominatrixes are for, not tucked-in shorts.

While I realize places with actual seasons aren't as condusive to year round short wearing as CA, and that a limited short wearing season leaves less time to ponder the pitfalls of The Pleated Menace, just for once listen to us Californians. We may not know how to elect a governor, but goddammit, we know how to wear shorts.

The pleated menace is a double threat. It combines two things which emphasize an area most people are trying to minimize. Making women look like they're sporting secret man junk, and men look like a strappy pickle barrel. I love ya'll no matter what, but I want to help. Since I ASSUME most people aren't going for these looks, I've created the 12-step program for to rid folks of The Pleated Menace. Truly changing oneself is hard, but worth the effort in the end.

Step 1: Admit your powerlessness over The Pleated Menace.
Shorts are casual. If you're trying to fancy them up by giving them pleats and tucking-in, you have a problem.

Step 2: Believe a power greater than oneself (the Shorts Gods) can restore sanity.
If you can't see them, make some margarita's and try later.

Step 3: Make a decision to turn life over to the greater power.
(If you do it, you get to go shopping for better shorts when you sober up....Hot.)

Step 4: Make a searching and fearless moral (and wardrobe) inventory.
Find all the items that contribute to The Pleated Menace, and separate them from the rest of your clothing. For they have cooties.

Step 5: Admit to the higher power, to oneself and to other human beings the exact nature of wrongs. Be honest about what's been done, and hide nothing.
No hiding stuff in case you change your mind, you big cheater.

Step 6: Be entirely ready to have The Shorts Gods remove all defects of character.
Call the Goodwill and schedule a pick up at your house. Share margarita's with them.

Step 7: Humbly ask The Shorts Gods to remove shortcomings.
Actually give the stuff to the Goodwill. You can cry, and wave as the truck drives away, but get rid of it! If you don't, it'll call to you in the night and you may be tempted. Temptation sucks.

Step 8: Make a list of all persons harmed and be willing to make amends.
An easy place to start would be all the people you took pictures with while wearing the Pleated Menace.

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Offer to take another picture with these folks. Burn all original photos containing The Pleated Menace. Don't set anyone on fire.

Step 10: Continue to take personal inventory and admitted new wrongs.
If you find something after the Goodwill leaves (you sneaky bastard). Get rid of it. Keep drinking.

Step 11: Seek through prayer and meditation to unconsciousnscious/unconcious contact with the Shorts Gods, praying only for knowledge of their will.
After all that drinking, you may black out. But you're just getting closer to your goal, so don't sweat it. If you don't pass out, keep drinking and you will.

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, try to carry the message to folks trapped by The Pleated Menace and to practice these principles in all affairs.
Preach the gospel to others...please!
______________________________________
No fruit today, this is too long already. This time the fruit's in the booze. Go forth and margaritafy thyselves. Big fatty margaritas to Michael at 2blowhards.com . Thanks for doubling my web traffic! (All you regulars get double shots).

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 8/01/2005 07:35:00 PM

21 Comments

  1. Blogger Southern Fried Girl posted at 9:31 PM  
    Sorry I got nothing out of that except margaritas. I really need one. Or twelve.
  2. Blogger mrtl posted at 10:14 PM  
    I blove you. That is all.
  3. Blogger Ern posted at 10:14 PM  
    Woohoo! Double shot!

    I'm just going through my links list and adding them to my RSS server (look at me go) but this post sucked me in. Hilarious!

    I am currently trying to free my husband from the Pleated Menace. Progress is being made. Setbacks are common due to repeated hand-me-downing from older preppy engineer brother. We will prevail.
  4. Blogger Jen Spedowfski-Martin posted at 2:02 AM  
    Ugh...I know exactly what you're talking about. And I live in California. Maybe because it's the Bay Area....but really, the Pleated Menance is alive and well here. Yuck. Really, if you need the pleats...as in...you need the extra space, then tucking in your shirt defeats the purpose. It's like yelling, "I'm fat, wait no I'm not. Wait, yes I am." ARGH! Shit, this is turning me into a fashion pirate.
  5. Blogger Weetzie posted at 10:20 AM  
    Yep, the pleated menace. You said it...right on ...and all that.Drinks for all! ;)
  6. Blogger Nessa posted at 11:21 AM  
    I've never been a tucker-inner because I always thought I was too fat (even though I probably wasn't back then), but all of my preppy friends were, so I felt a little "out." Now I know that THEY were in the wrong & I was cornering the "hip" market!

    And pleats are bad. Why do severely overweight people (such as a good friend of mine) always wear them? They do NOT work to slim you!!!!!! Kate Moss make look good in pleats, but that's it.
  7. Blogger Squirll posted at 1:54 PM  
    in clearwater, florida there is a large pleated menace...its called the church of scientology. they can be easily spotted by their pelated PANTS and long sleeved shirts... and its freeking hot out and they still wear them.
  8. Blogger echrai posted at 2:30 PM  
    This is why 1. I never wear pleats - in pants OR shorts and 2. I never tuck in - there are very few very rare exceptions to this rule. Preach on, sistah!
  9. Blogger Squirl posted at 7:20 PM  
    I am short-waisted, large-boobed and carry any extra weight around my middle. I wouldn't be caught dead tucking in, pleats or no pleats. I'll take those margaritas now, thanks!
  10. Blogger marybishop posted at 8:23 PM  
    I will tuck in children, but nothing else. I will have no pleats in my closet or even on my drapes, actually I will have no drapes either...

    Hilarious! Tuckered out from laughing...
  11. Blogger Nilbo posted at 10:30 PM  
    I have two daughters who depleated me several years ago. I am forever grateful.

    But I tuck like a mink. Say what you will. Tucking is good. Nobody needs to see my belly, sweat-free or not. I will continue to tuck my brains out as long as I draw breath.
  12. Blogger kilowatthour posted at 6:59 AM  
    One day at a time, Pleat People. Just take it one day at a time.
  13. Blogger Nilbo posted at 7:20 AM  
    I want to make clear, however, that I am not a sock-tucker.

    Not that there's anything wrong with that.
  14. Blogger ~*ERY*~ posted at 12:17 PM  
    I graduated from an all girl's Catholic High school (not that it matters to this story much...but it will explain the uniforms) And we fought the tucking in! So much so that by the time my class got there they had switched to...get this: Banded polos. As in the stretchy-band-that-you-have-on-your-sweatshirt banded polos. Thus giving us the "Neat Appearance" of being tucked in. Well that's just dumb because who wants to look like they're tucking. So we would flip them down so you saw the band and ruin the tucked in look. The school gave up. They gave the 2008 freshman class polos with the school crest and said "we don't care how you wear them just keep them as clean as possible."

    WE won!!

    Unfortunatly we continue to have a half pleated skirt which the administration refuses to budge on. But at least a difference has been made.
  15. Blogger laurenbove posted at 2:46 PM  
    OMG! Tucking in sucks. Pleats completely suck. I was at the Gap recently and the new denim longish skirt for fall has these front kick pleats in it. UGH. Nothing worse for my minifigure (shortwaisted) than thick denim pleats in the front.

    I hear you plum sister. I have seen the light. Then I ran. I ran so far away. I just ran. I couldn't get away.

    I couldn't get away.
  16. Blogger Candace posted at 5:27 PM  
    I.Hate.Pleats.

    Always have, always will.

    And tucking is for pussies (yes, Nilbo, that means YOU). :-)

    I don't even tuck my children's shirts in. I *do* tuck *them* in, at night, though. That's OK, right?
  17. Blogger little sister posted at 7:21 PM  
    I'm eating leftover chinese food and this post made me laugh until egg drop soup came out of my nose.

    with sesame oil and those crunchy noodle thingies.

    I don't tuck anymore...I'm enjoying the freedom. And except for one sorry excuse for a pair of jeanshorts, I don't own anything pleated except skirts. and no skorts.
  18. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 8:07 PM  
    SFG- The margaritas were the most important part.

    MRTL- The blove is mutual, kiddo. Absolutely mutual.

    Ern- Keep the engineer away from your stud! This shit's contagious! Guzzle up, Buttercup.

    Jen- Ok, I just cracked up. You got me with the fashion pirate. Can I steal that? I also can't believe I forgot about all the dudes in NorCal. Who desparately need help.

    Weetzie- Hooray! I love booze!

    SillyNessa- How could you even think you're a chunky monkey? I've seen picture of you! You've oficially beaten the prep-crowd. Hooray!

    Squirll- Are the Scientology people afraid of skin or something. L.Ron Hubbard was a nut.

    Echrai- Looks like I'm mostly preaching to the choir here, but it's still good to get the message out!

    Squirl-In addition to your lovely attributes you have your head screwed on straight. Which is why we all love you so.

    Nilbo- Don't make us run an intervantion on your ass. cause you need one. Get longer shirts if you fear the belly! Be free!

    Kilowatthour- Preferably 3 pleats at a time, but I'll take what I can get.

    Ery- Keep pushing until they don't even have to be clean anymore. And see if you can get them to let the kids wear jeans instead of those 'show me your underaged ass' skirts.

    Laurenbove - You did NOT just drop a Flock of Seagulls reference on my blog! HOT!

    Marybishop and Misfit-Tucking children into bed is encouraged. As long as the sheets aren't pleated.

    Little sister- Don't even get me started on skorts, girl. Thanks for visiting!
  19. Blogger Closet Metro posted at 12:56 PM  
    Awww, fuck.

    Time for a new wardrobe.
  20. Blogger Kitsune posted at 2:36 AM  
    I had totally typed up a sweet reply to this at work. I patted myself on my back and laughed at my own amazing humor. This disply disturbed my co-workers, but they were distrubing my internet browsing. I clicked "publish" and then remembered the firewall of death. And death it was.

    Sympathy laughter in liu of the actual post will be appriciated. Thank you.

    Onto the topic, we have a whole lot of tuckers at work. These tuckers will tuck any thing with a tail on it. Some will even tuck the little bit of belt that hangs loose, but only if they are feeling frisky. It's hard to break the news to them that their tucking ain't cool. They've gone blind, and are out for bloody revenge on the rest of us.

    They need to get the cool... get the cool shoe shine.
  21. Blogger Spurious Plum posted at 11:20 AM  
    Closet Metro- No way dude. I've seen pictures of you. You're part of the solution. Be proud!

    Kitsne- Sorry your post got munched! (and thanks for making me sing the Gorillaz all day...)

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