Friday, September 30, 2005

A Hurricane Of Hot Mateo - AND - The Perils of Chemistry

Got a super-duper tag by the mighty Annejelynn, whose seaweed paper I not-so-secretly covet. Yummmmmm. Seeeeeaweed.

The Rules
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

Here goes:
Mateo (avec 4 beers) - "I think I wanna write a book called The Perfect Shitstorm..."

Nicely done, Annejelynn. Thank you!
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Chemistry: The Science of Sucking Ass

If someone offers you a free chemistry class (hey, someone might...), tell them to suck on your left ass cheek. Sure, you get to light things on fire and wear big honkin' goggles, but it's also, uh, HARD.

So in case some dirty chem pusher tries to step to you with free shit, here's some important rules to consider prior to accepting (remember, the first hit is always free, that's how they getcha addicted):

Rule #1 - Chemistry is math.

Rule #2 - When you light magnesium on fire it makes beautiful, white sparkly star-showers. Unfortunately it also makes the stupid bitch in the front row think her hair is on fire, and hysterical shrieking ensues. What a dumbass.

Rule #3 - If I had a pole, polyatomic ions could smoke it.

Rule #4 - Chemistry is math.

Rule #5 - This may seem obvious, but chemistry is taught by chemists. Sadistic bastards* that like playing with fire and acid. ACID. Jesus.

Rule #6 - Everyone in your chemistry class wants to be a doctor, and they're all hoity-toity about it. If you wanna be a nurse, your ticket to Ego Deflation City has been punched. Which is funny, because nurses ROCK.

Rule #7 - Rule #7 only applies if you're in real college. At community college, everyone in your class wants to be a professional fashion designer.

Rule #8 - Chemistry is MATH.

Rule #9 - All atoms wanna have 8 electrons in their outer shell. They'll do anything to get those extra electrons. Including handjobs.

Rule #10 - Burning sulphur smells like a well-used Kentucky outhouse.

Rule #11 - CHEMISTRY IS FUCKING MAAAAAATH.

Rule #12 - Ignore all these rules if you like math. If you like math, chemistry will give you multiple geekgasms.

* All chemists are sadistic bastards except for my friend K-Dawg. She's a trunk fulla sugar. That can kill you.
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Random Fruit Fact: The Sharon Fruit

"It is important to remember that the entire fruit is edible - soft or firm: It is always ready to be eaten!!"

Yes. The Sharon fruit is a hussy.
Yes. There really IS a fruit called "Sharon".
No. I don't know if she's able to have multiple geekgasms.
Learn more about the Sharon fruit, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 9/30/2005 08:33:00 PM 17 comments

Saturday, September 17, 2005

How To Get Whatever You Want From Your Doctor's Office

Have you ever gotten screwed by your doctor's office? Does it take weeks to get your prescriptions filled? Do you wait on hold for hours, only to hear someone chuckle something about your mom and hang up?

Congratulations. Today's your lucky day. I'm about to spill the proverbial beans on the basics of how to get your doc's office to actually DO THEIR JOB for you. That's right people, advice straight from the fruity, doctors-office-working, horses mouth.

First and Foremost
If you have a doctor whose office doesn't want to help you, get another doctor. Those "we're closed from 10AM-2PM for lunch" offices piss me off too. Goddamnit, nobody gets a four-hour fucking lunch.

Tips and tricks
Leaving ONE message is completely sufficient. The other 58 just piss me off.

You catch more flies with sugar than bitcherade. Be pleasant.

You are not the only patient in our practice. Be patient. If a 24-hour turn around for non-urgent matters is unacceptable for you, go be seen in the ER (which may actually take more than 24 hours) or go spend some time in a country without healthcare. See? 24 hours doesn't seem that bad. BE PATIENT, DAMMIT!

This is awful, but if you bring something tasty, we remember you better. If you're sick and in the hospital, put the tasties in your room, and you'll have people checking your status all day. Think about us like a bunch of 2 year olds. Cookies grab our attention.

Things to avoid
Don't yell at me. I'm rightfuckinghere on the other end of the phone reciever.

Don't yell at me (see above) if your insurance sucks and doesn't authorize something. I'd loooooove to let my doctor cut you. Trust me. I would. How about calling your HMO and telling them they're a bunch of pirates on the seas of healthcare. Wait. That's an insult to pirates.

Don't lie to me about ANYTHING. It comes back and bites YOU in the ass. If you lie about your insurance, you'll probably have to pay the difference on your bill. If you lie about your alcohol intake, don't blame me if you get DT'sand have a heart attack in the ICU when you get out of surgery. Lying is wrong. In the immortal words of Grandmaster Flash, "d-d-d-d-d-don't do it"!

Finally
If you are pleasant and just a little patient with a good doctor's office, you WILL get what you want. Most people who work in a medical practice, like me, want to help you. Especially if you have cookies.

P.S. Don't put poison or crystal meth in the cookies. We'll have you arrested once we get our stomachs pumped.
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Random Fruit Fact: The Jaboticaba

"Jaboticaba, pronounced in five syllables just as it is spelled, is a member of the Myrtaceae (Myrtle) family and is known botanically as Eugenia cauliflora. ("Cauliflora" means that it flowers and bears fruit on the trunk, mature branches and exposed roots.)"

A good picture of the Jaboticaba's cool fruiting habits can be found, here and here. Go Jaboticaba!

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 9/17/2005 09:12:00 PM 23 comments

Thursday, September 15, 2005

THINGS FOLKS ARE PROBABLY CURIOUS ABOUT:

"Are you alive?"
Well, sort of. I've been working, going to school and marching in my own personal freak-out parade since I reached Los Angeles. I think that means I'm alive, but I haven't been able to sit still long enough to think about it much. Let me check my pulse...yep, I've got one. Woohoo! I'm alive!!!!

"So, how was the move?"
Crappy.12 days without Mateo suuuuucked. Plus, Mateo had to drive across the hottest part of the country in a truck without air conditioning, and we still have boxes stacked ass-cheek high. This is what happens when Spurious doesn't get home until 9:30PM every night.

"How's work?"
My full-time position at the hospital is usually supplemented by a part-time position. The folks in both positions quit, which meant that I had a job, but no help, until this week. The new person is awesome, and the work environment, while busy is wonderful, so I'm happy, if amazingly harried, all day. It's 180 degrees away from my old job, where I had time to do important things. Like blog...and pee.

"And school? What's that like?"
I have 10 units of chemistry and a full time job. Looking at the previous sentence, you'll note that I must've been smoking fat crack rocks when I signed up for school. I'm holding my own (there's too much damn math in chemistry), and hoping I don't have to drop out...this shit is hard!!!

"So how will this effect my blog reading, dammit?"
I haven't posted for a quadrillion years, so I'll be surprised if anyone's even still a-readin'. Things are hectic, so I'll still post, but not every day. Probably once or twice a week, until I get my crap together. But I'll still be a-lurkin' at your blog. Lurkin like a mutha.

Lurkin' is sexy.

Thank you all so much for your concern and sweet comments! Ya'll are the bestest!!!
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Random Fruit Fact: The Aronia

"Seemingly phased by nothing, this shrub will tolerate anything thrown at it: swampy ground, dry sandy soil, drought, salt, and pollution. It is probably pickiest about its light, tolerating partial shade but becoming more leggy and affected by mildew with in darker corners."

I wanna tolerate anything in my environment and be leggy! But not affected by mildew. That's icky.

Learn more about the aronia, here. If you wanna...do ya wanna?

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 9/15/2005 11:09:00 PM 22 comments