Sunday, January 30, 2005

Dammit, Take Me to the Food Court

I don't care for malls.

I'm not covered in sufficient makeup to comply with Pennsylvania regional standards, so I get approached by mall-dwelling Mary Kay trolls. "Pardon me, I couldn't help but notice that you're not wearing makeup." Sharp eye, Madam! Tell me, how can I look as haggard as you?

So I'm unsure why I agreed to accompany Husband to our truly lame-ass shopping center on the 2nd day of my hangover (or 2DH).

We get separated in a nasty department store, and I'm unhappily browsing old-lady resortwear when I notice the women's dressing room letting out this phenomenal electronic screech everytime someone goes inside. Maybe it reminds the salespeople to ask if anyone needs another size of powder blue, tapered leg slacks. Not sure.

I fled down the escalator to escape the sound, which was making my headache thump (see '2DH' above). But finding Husband took time, which made me grouchy (again, see '2DH' above). I found him and asked, "Where the hell were you?" all huffy and stuff.

Husband got this pained look on his face, "I had to get away from that dressing room sound, it was annoying the crap out of me."

Oh, I love him so.

On the plus side, this mall has a rockin' food court. Mmm. Potato Sack.
Random Fruit Facts: The Potato

I know what you're thinking. Our friend the potato is a vegetable. But wait! In France, a potato is called a pomme de terre, meaning 'apple of the earth'. Making it sort of a fruit. In French anyway.

Yeah, it's a stretch. Learn more about potatoes here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 1/30/2005 11:43:00 PM 0 comments

Flammable Asses

Husband and I are living in the boondocks while he attends college. We don't have 'real' cable, so catching a west coast college basketball game (Go UCLA!) involves craftiness on our part.

This evening, the only place we could find to watch the game was Hooters.

It's easy to pick on Hooters, so we'll avoid that here. I'm mostly worried about the asses of the Hooters girls. Covered with 20 layers of polyester, one touch from a cigarette (we live in a state where bars and restaurants allow cigarettes. Eww.) will send some ladies livelihood up in flames.

UCLA won (woo!), but I spent the whole night worrying about orange, burning asses.
Random Fruit Facts: The Kumquat

"Both Fortunella margarita and F. crassifolia Kumquats are native to China and have been cultivated in Europe and the US since the 1800's. "

Learn more about kumquats (the fruit on which Hooters based their eye-exhausting color scheme) here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 1/30/2005 01:37:00 AM 0 comments

Saturday, January 29, 2005

The Temp

After the girl in the next cube quit, they hired The Temp. Generally, I don't consider myself a catty person, and I'm not proud to follow in the footsteps of my bitchy office predecessors in talking trash about temps, but The Temp annoys/freaks me out for several reasons:

1.) She won't shut the hell up.
2.) She's not doing any work.
3.) When we had a goodbye party for the girl who quit, The Temp ate 3/4 of our pizza. Total. We had like 9 pizzas.
4.) The Temp often looks at me and my lunch with a combination of jealousy and bloodlust. Like she'd love to slit my throat and hide my bones under the copier. You know nobody fucking cleans under there.

Example of Reason #4. Bear in mind that The Temp had eaten lunch and consumed all nearby office snackables.

The Temp: (smelling my lunch in the next cubicle) Are you eating?

Me: (being monosyllabic since she won't shut the hell up- see Reason #1 above) Yes.

Temp: What are you eating?

Me: Lunch. (Look how concise I can be!)

Temp: (screaming) WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EATING FOR LUNCH!!!!!!!!!


The Temp strolls into my cubicle and looks at me and my food thusly:

Hungry eyes...I feel the magic between you and I...

God, I thought I'd be devoured right there.
Random Fruit Facts: The Pomegranate

"The pomegranate is native from Iran to the Himalayas in northern India and was cultivated and naturalized over the whole Mediterranean region since ancient times. ."

Learn more about pomegranates (which taste like a red, juicy version of heaven) here.

Posted by Hello

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 1/29/2005 04:54:00 PM 1 comments

Friday, January 28, 2005

Oh, crap! He is risen!

I swear on the Funk Bible, I just saw Rick James reincarnated. I would never lie about this, since given the opportunity I would totally artificially inseminate myself with Rick James spooge. My husband wouldn’t be happy, but he doesn’t have to know, DOES HE.

Our funky Saviour had a huge, hairy, fake fur coat and his hair looked just like it did on the cover of Street Songs. He had pants so tight I could watch his sperm count drop. Hot.

As foretold by the Funk Bible “And he will rise after 175 days, and unify the people under the holy banners of unsafe sex and cocaine."

People, I’ve looked into the face of our Lord and Saviour. Hallelujah, He is risen!
Random Fruit Facts: The Pineapple

"The pineapple is native to southern Brazil and Paraguay where wild relatives occur. It was spread by the Indians up through South and Central America to the West Indies before Columbus arrived."

Learn more about pineapples here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 1/28/2005 04:12:00 AM 0 comments

Thursday, January 27, 2005

I know, I know...

Ahhh, another blog in the world. Just what everyone needs.

I'm Amanda. S'up.

As my innocent little venture enters the big, bad world of condescending comments, egocentric rants, and self-congratulatory, web-obsessed monkeys, it begs the following questions:

Q -Why the hell would anyone read this narcissistic bullshit?
A -I’ve got a high mockability index. This means endless hours of potential ridicule at my expense. Fun!

Q -Does Amanda know what she's doing?
A- Of course not.

See? It’s easy to make fun of me!

Hooray, blog!
Random Fruit Facts: The Plum (that's me)

"Plum trees are grown on every continent except Antarctica."

Damn skippy I'm not in Antarctica. Fucking penguins.

Learn more about plums here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 1/27/2005 02:46:00 PM 1 comments