Thursday, April 28, 2005

Self Portrait Day - Dishy Duds

Can't decide which is better.

This one:



Or this one.




Votes please.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/28/2005 05:21:00 PM 26 comments

I'm A Jerk + Google Divadom + Galapagos Islands

I'm a jerk. Yesterday, almost immediately after posting mean things about my sweetly befuddled boss, he gave me a big bunch of flowers. When he accidentally broke a few stems trying to arrange(!) the flowers, he put the stragglers into a super tiny beaker. Do flowers in a beaker count as a scary gift? No, I'm a jerk. Sorry, Mr. Bossman.

Not that you'll ever see this, mind you.

On an unrelated topic, it's good to know that when you search Google for "can nopales cause hallucinations" I'm the first thing you see. I'm ranked 115th for "slim jim packaging history", but with a little hard work, I think we can break 100, right? Right?

And finally, a story. As we settled in for a Galapogos Island nature special last night, Mateo arbitrarily shouted, "This better be good! I wanna see some big fucking turtles!" Making both of us burst into the insane kind of laughter that accompanies finding extreme humor in something that makes no sense.

The kind where you actually cry a little bit and start swiping at the corners of your eyes.

The kind where you let out a big, snorty noise and race to the bathroom, 99% sure you've accidentally shot out a boog on yourself, or onto the arm of your true love.
__________________________________________
Random Fruit Fact: The Abiu

You guys are gonna crap your pants.

"Has creamy sweet, succulent flesh which tastes like Creme Caramel. A real taste treat when eaten slightly chilled."

Fruit that tastes like Creme Caramel!?!?!?!? Later folks, I'm going Aibu shopping! While I'm out, read more about the Aibu, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/28/2005 03:59:00 PM 5 comments

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Who’s your Bitch? Me!

Happy Secretary/Administrative Assistant/Lackey Day!

In case no one at your lame-ass job gave you props today, I herby acknowlede your tepid efforts at work! Congratulations on not throwing things, cussing people out or acting like a goon any more than absolutely necessary. I know, it’s hard for me too.

I currently work for a nice doctor in a medical research facility. My boss is very sweet, but is nuttier than a pecan orchard. Today was spent secretly hoping I don't get anything for ‘Secretary’s Day’ (or whatever the latest PC terminology is) because I’m terrified of what he'll give me. Dead mice? Autoclaved research instruments? A set of 6 shiny beakers?

The Regretful Gift Train has stopped at my station several times over the years, and now I can’t decide which is worse; not being acknowledged for the crappy work I do, or having my crappy work rewarded with a crappy gift.

All you bosses out there, I can say from experience that assistants don’t want a dead wreath with staples in it, nor do they want someone else’s used earrings (so nasty). Pick something nice, for God's sake. And if you can’t come correct, don’t come at all. Treat me right and I’ll always be your bitch.

At least until I can find someone who pays better than you.

Ya’ll have gotten some bad gifts too. Fess up.
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Random Fruit Fact: The Lychee

Lychee ice cream is goooooooood. Glory be!

“The lychee is a rare tropical tree that bears a brilliant red-skinned fruit with extraordinarily sweet, fragrant, juicy, translucent flesh. The lychee originated in the low elevations of Southern China in the provinces of Kwangtung and Fukien, where there are still villages in today with lychee trees that are over 1000 years old!”

Yummy, yum, yum. Learn more about the supertasty lychee fruit here, from people who are WAY too into Asian shit.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/27/2005 03:54:00 PM 12 comments

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Rockin' The Doily

Since Squirl brough up old memories of prom, here's me in my doily covered dress:


Note the delicate, petrified hair tendrils locked into place with ozone destroying spray.

Note the delicate, petrified hair tendrils on my date locked into place with ozone destroying spray.

Note my clench lipped smile.

Note the stabbing of my scary fake nails (which terrified my friend James for weeks afterwards) into my date's palm.

Note the fact that I hate my date.

Boy, did I ever hate my date.
_______________________________________________
Random Fruit Fact: Muscadine Grapes

Muscadine grapes have killer tendrils. Not unlike my hair for prom.

"Look for tendrils that have wrapped around the cordons and arms. These tendrils become extremely tough and wiry. Unless they are removed, the tendrils will girdle and kill shoots or cordons"

Yeah. Tough, wiry, killer tendrils. The grape people must've been around when I tried to wash out all that Aquanet. Learn more about the muscadine grape, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/26/2005 05:59:00 PM 22 comments

Monday, April 25, 2005

Memo To Winter's Dirty, Snowy Ass

Dear Winter,

I woke up Sunday and found that your sneaky ass dropped some snow while I slept:



I know it's not a big, wintry fuckfest. I should be delighted you deigned to spare me the misery of another morning scraping ice off my car, but it's SPRING. See that green shit next to the snow? Look, I magnified it for you:

IT'S GREEN, BITCH!


Guess what? That means you have a restraining order to stay off my property for another 9 months. Take a vacation. Go bother the folks in Australia. Just leave my Californian ass ALONE!

Mateo and I were cavorting in the spring rain ONLY HOURS before you tried this 'usurping spring' thing.




So what's your damn problem, Winter? Need to get laid? What, you wanna start some shit?
_________________________________________________
Random Fruit Fact: The Rhubarb

How the hell is rhubarb even a fruit? This warrants further investigation.

"Rhubarb is often regarded as a slightly old-fashioned plant and can live for many years giving living proof of how tough it is. WARNING:- Rhubarb leaves are poisonous and should NEVER be eaten."

Lean more about what not to do with the rhubarb, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/25/2005 07:59:00 PM 15 comments

Better Homes And Gardens Has Nothing On My Ass

So I redecorated a little. I know, I'll miss the argyle too.

You can find out where I pilfered everything in the FAQs section to your right. I may be a thief, but I’m a thief who gives props.

Still trying to figure out why the page doesn’t look right in other browsers, so let me know if it looks funny to you and I’ll try to fix it…when I get smarter.

Suggestions, comments or questions? Comment below or email me here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/25/2005 08:25:00 AM 10 comments

Friday, April 22, 2005

Just Because It's Free, Doesn't Mean You Get To Act Like An Ass

This afternoon I worked a pizza party fundraiser for our annual Boy Scout food drive at work. Nobody really wanted to head up the party, but we got suckered into it. We’re trying to get as much food/money as possible in the next 2 weeks, all of which will be donated to local charities. Except the gay ones. The Boy Scouts can be a trifle homophobic.

Hey, Boy Scouts. QUIT THAT!

Our Administration agreed to use their slush fund for a social event with pizza, soda, and salad as an incentive to increase donations. We baited people with free pizza for $5 or 5 cans of food, figuring we’d get about 75 people for chow.

Everything looked cool when we set up for lunch and ordered the pizzas, but I immediately saw trouble. We had ordered 200 pieces of pizza, but some greedy bitches were walking out with 8-9 slices at a time. They’d cheerfully chirp, “I’ll be back for more!” and walk off with 4 vertical feet of pizza, 16 sodas stuffed in their pockets and a vat of salad balanced on their head.

Of course, we ran out of food and had to order more, which is when things went south. While we were waiting, the natives got restless.

Now before I continue, I need to clarify a thing or two. I completely understand the sweet, siren song of free pizza (well, sorta free). Pizza is one of my not-so-secret weaknesses, and I turn into a murderous, cheese-gobbling monkey whenever I come across it. And if it’s free…bitches, stand back. I’ll eat you too.

Which is why I understood the group grumpiness at first. These folks held up their end of the bargain by bringing food or money and they wanted some pizza, dammit! But I’d never done this before, and had no idea that my entire building would take 10 pieces of pizza EACH. The food team offered to call folks when more food arrived, in case they needed to get back to work. We offered to give them their money/food back. We tried everything we could to make them happy.

But after awhile, things just got nasty:

“I think this was poorly planned. You did a crap job!”

“We wanted to take our food upstairs and play poker for lunch. You RUINED our lunch!”

“Why don’t you do this RIGHT next time? I have more important things to do than wait around while YOU make mistakes.”

“I hope they give this job to someone else next year, you guys totally suck at it.”

In what universe are these comments appropriate? Being crazed with hunger does NOT entitle you to carte blanche asshole status. So this goes out to all of the insensitive shitheads who made me and my food drive team feel like donkey-shit.

COME DOWN HERE AND DO THIS SHIT YOURSELF NEXT TIME, YOU FATASS, POKER-PLAYING, UBERCRITICAL DICKWEEDS!
___________________________________________
Random Fruit Fact: Sea Buckthorn

There's a giant healthfood cult based around sea buckthorn oil, but I'll skip that. I'm all about the fruit, people.

"reaches 2–4 m in height in natural habitats and bears yellow or orange-red berries, referred to as “Siberian pineapple” in Russia, because of its taste and juiciness"

'Siberian pineapple'. There's two words I never thought I'd see together. Learn more about the Super Sea Buckthorn, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/22/2005 03:19:00 PM 12 comments

Thursday, April 21, 2005

The Eagle Has Flown + From The Mouths Of Firemen

Old Friend has packed his bags and flown home, and things are slowly returning to normal. Although Mateo and I are once again free to do impromptu underwear dances around the house, we’ll still miss him something fierce. We’d like him to stay longer, but

A.) This ain’t his house.
B.) I can’t keep up a DEFCON 5 cleaning level for more than a 8 days, and
C.) He’s got to go back to saving people’s lives and making all the bitches scream, because he’s a fireman.

Old Friend has been a fireman (or almost a fireman) for the entire time I’ve known him. Strangely, Mateo and I know lots of firefighters. Fathers, grandfathers, friends and neighbors have all been wearing yellow hats and eating lots of ice cream for Lord knows how long. For those of you unaware of such things, hanging out with a bunch of fire-obsessed dudes in 24 hour work shifts creates a tiny, fire-obsessed civilization. There’s a whole culture of fireman specific food, odd discussion, obsessive compulsive behavior and best of all, fireman slang.

When we hang out with Old Friend we get a fireman slang update, the fruits of which we subsequently incorporate into our daily lives. This means random, non-fireman people in my life are now aware of the following words and phrases*:

Like a Monkey Fucking a Football - To do a task awkwardly. "The team looks like shit! It's like a monkey fucking a football out there!" There's actually a website for this.

Side ass - The girlfriend your wife doesn't know about. Oftentimes, the girlfriend who doesn't know about your wife, either. "Don't write my wife's name on the board, my side ass is coming for a visit."

Clusterfuck (or Clusterama for the kids)–A situation in which everything has gone wrong. Like SNAFU, but funner to say. "This traffic jam is a total clusterfuck!"

MDK (Mama Don't Know) Account - An account in which you keep extra money for things you don't want your wife to know about. Like strippers. Or a divorce. Or your side ass.
"Every time he had a fight with his wife, he put $300 in his MDK account. At the end of it all he had $25,000!”

Don't know about you, but saying this shit just makes me feel classy.

*Please bear in mind that the following terms are not solely confined to the firefighting profession. Nor is Old Friend in possession of side ass OR an MDK account. He’s a good boy.
_________________________________________________
Random Fruit Fact: The Bael Fruit

“Indonesians beat the pulp of the ripe fruit with palm sugar and eat the mixture at breakfast. The sweetened pulp is a source of sherbet in the subcontinent. Jam, pickle, marmalade, syrup, jelly, squash and toffee are some of the products of this versatile fruit. Young bael leaves are a salad green in Thailand.”

And for all you intestinally troubled folks, the bael fruit is also believed to be the best cure for constipation, EVER. Better shoot an email to Queen Dooce.

Learn more about the bael fruit, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/21/2005 10:58:00 AM 17 comments

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Taggy/Listy/Meme-y Stuff.

In the immortal words of Holy Schmidt - "T if for true, F is for false you fucktard!"

(T) I've Never Crashed A Friend's Car ( But boy, have I crashed my own.)
(F) I've Never Been To Japan
(F) I've Never Been In A Taxi
(F) I've Never Been In Love
(F) I've Never Had Sex In Public (um....)
(F) I've Never Been Dumped
(T) I've Never Done Cocaine (White lines....vision dreams of passion...D-d-d-d-don't do it!)
(F) I've Never Shoplifted
(F) I've Never Been Fired
(T) I've Never Been In A Fist Fight (Man, do I want to though!)
(T) I've Never Had Group Intercourse ( Yep, I'm Prudence McPrudepants)
(F) I've Never Snuck Out Of My Parent's House
(F) I've Never Been Tied Up (Some of these need clarification...I mean, Tied-up busy? Tied-up kidnapped? Tied-up for sexy stuff?)
(T) I've Never Regretted Having Sex With Someone (one of the few...)
(T) I've Never Been Arrested
(F) I've Never Made Out With A Stranger (only once!)
(F) I've Never Stolen Something From My Job ( I haven't bought a pen in 15 years.)
(T) I've Never Celebrated New Years In Time Square
(F) I've Never Gone On A Blind Date (that's a WHOLE separate post to be addressed later this week.)
(F) I've Never Lied To A Friend ("Does this make me look fat?" "NO, but I'm not sure about the color....")
(F) I've Never Had A Crush On A Teacher
(T) I've Never Celebrated Mardi-Gras In New Orleans (Does a honeymoon in New Orleans count?)
(F) I’ve Never Been To Europe
(F) I've Never Kissed A Member Of The Opposite Sex
(F) I've Never Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex (Don't think I'm cool, I was like 6.)
(F) I've Never Skipped School
(F) I've Never Slept With A Co-Worker ( I married him.)
(T) I've Never Cut Myself On Purpose (Ow.)
(F) I've Never Had Sex At The Office (See the "I married him" comment above)
(F) I've Never Been Married
(T) I've Never Been Divorced
(T) I've Never Had Sex With More Than One Person Within The Same Week
(T) I've Never Posed Nude
(F) I've Never Gotten Someone Drunk Just To Have Sex With Them (husband)
(T) I've Never Killed Anyone
(T) I've Never Received Scars From My Sex Partner
(F) I've Never Been Drunk (HA!AHAHAHAHHAHAHHA!)
(T) I've Never Smoked Pot (again, one of the few)
(T) I've Never Thrown Up In A Bar (I do my throwing up at home.)
(T) I've Never Taken Ecstasy
(T) I've Never Purposely Set A Part Of Myself On Fire (Self immolation rules!)
(T) I've Never Eaten Sushi (No. Poor fishies. Now pass the chicken.)
(F) I've Never Been Snowboarding (I'm not great, but my butt stays dry)
(F) I've Never Had Sex At A Friend's House While They Were Throwing A Party
(T) I've Never Had Sex While A Friend Was In The Room
(F) I've Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room (GO, Millers Outpost!)
(F) I've Never Flashed Anyone
(F) I've Never Met Anyone From Online (Well, I've met all of you in a way. Just not in person. Wanna come over for margarita's?)

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/19/2005 02:10:00 PM 8 comments

Monday, April 18, 2005

Philadelphia - or - My Hungover Man Posse Rolls Three Deep

Old Friend is still visiting Mateo and I, and over the weekend we took him to Philly for wish fulfillment. Old Friend's ultimate dream was to eat ACTUAL Philly cheesesteaks at Pat's and Geno's, the two places most famous for cooking up great ones. The dream was fulfilled, but since Old Friend's been a vegetarian for more than a year, eating 2 cheesesteaks in 20 minutes rocked his poor ass. He prevailed, but not without difficulty.

We all wound up staying at a Holiday Inn in the boondocks of New Jersey and hooking up with a friend of ours. The hotel bar was the only game in town, and I was restless, so I wandered around in the New Jersey night, taking strange pictures of myself:


unfinished gas stations:


and pretty streetlight filled trees:


The next day we ate GOOD Mexican food (spicy chilaquiles, drooooool) and saw a sight or two. We wound up at the Museum of Art (at the stairs from 'Rocky') and took some nice pictures there too:





All of this sounds easy but with three hungover boys (Mateo, Old Friend, and Jersey Friend) there was much confusion, indecision and intense discussion of boobs.



Had a blast.
-------------------------------
Fruit is on hiatus until DEFCON 5 Houseguest Alert has been cleared. Stay tuned.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/18/2005 08:59:00 PM 7 comments

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Fine, The Plum Can Stay + The Eagle Has Landed!

OK. The plum can stay.

But expect some good old-fashioned redecorating soon. I didn't make the template for the current design (my design skills SUCK!), but I'm in the process of making/stealing/hunting for things I can cobble together into something new. Keep your eyes peeled. Ouch.

DEFCON 5 Old Friend has arrived! The house is as clean as it's ever going to get (GODDAMN I hate that bathtub!), and our guest is resting comfortably on our fluffy-puffy air mattress. I just hope he doesn't have scary, cleaning-product-fume-induced dreams...

Tonight will be the first night in two weeks that I don't have to clean something....

It's Hoegaarden time!
__________________________________
Random Fruit Fact: The Serviceberry

Next time I have a DEFCON 5 houseguest, I'll find out if there's a cleaning serviceberry.

"The fruits are heavily eaten by thrushes, many other songbirds, rodents, small mammals and bear. Grouse, turkey, squirrels, chipmunks, beaver and foxes will eat twigs, buds and fruits at various times of the year. "

Perhaps I should rethink the serviceberries cleaning the Spurious homestead. That's a lot of critters.

"Hey! None of you fuckers can come in the house! You'll get twigs and shit all over the place! We're at DEFCON 5, people!"

Learn more about the serviceberry and why some people think it's a saskatoon (it's not), here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/14/2005 09:50:00 AM 12 comments

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Redecorating, Tra-La-La

Thinking of redesigning the blog...

Suggestions? Comments? Do I have to keep the plum?

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/13/2005 01:16:00 PM 10 comments

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Dress Codes Are For Choads

My employer just put forward a new ‘Image and Appearance Policy’ (i.e. dress code) to present a more professional image to the public. If we don’t comply, we get FIRED.

WHAT?!?!?

One of the reasons I chose this magnificent job, was my company’s ambivalence towards what we wear. I’ve been rocking Converse, jeans and a t-shirt pretty much every day since I started, only getting gussied up for special visitors. In the summer, I wear flip flops every day so my ugly feet can get a flip-flop tan, a phenomena my friend Molly calls ‘sexy’. Trust me, my feet need all the sexiness they can get.

This whole thing is especially bothersome, considering I have pretty much ZERO contact with the public, which is who we’re allegedly dressing up for. The dress code rules fall into three general categories:

Rules That Benefit
“stretch/stirrup pants, halter tops, tube tops, midriff baring tops are not permitted”
This is a public service. Eradicating these clothing items from a staff whose age averages around 50 will benefit EVERYONE. Have you seen stirrup pants on a 50 year old ass? I have. Yesterday.

“Hair colors must be of natural shades. Extremes in hair color are not permitted.”
So we’ll be firing the backstabbing old bitch in the main office for her fake red hair? Because seriously, it’s the color of a Coke can. Being a backstabbing bitch should be in the dress code, but I'll settle for hair.

Rules That Are Weird
“Beards and mustaches must be symmetrical”
You know this is listed because some fool had an asymmetrical beard. What does that even look like? Now I’m curious…

“Appropriate undergarments must always be worn. Use of clothing normally worn as undergarments cannot be worn as outerwear. Undergarments should not be visible through clothing.”
Hee. Again, you know this makes the list because someone seriously thought they were hot shit in a pointy Madonna bra. Will we have underwear police, to make sure we’re compliant? No bra snapping, please.

“Current religious affiliations may require individuals to wear a form of head cover as part of its practices. We may seek proof that the employee belongs to said religious organization”
This is just sad. ‘We’re going to need to see your yarmulke license, sir.’ Is this even legal?

Rules That Are Very, VERY Bad
"Women must wear pantyhose at all times."
Kiss the fattest part of my ass. You can fire me. I’m NEVER wearing these things.

"No jeans or capri pants will be permitted"
Just try to take my jeans fuckwad. I’ll pull some serious ninja shit on you.

"Sneakers, sandals and open toed shoes are not permitted"
Any of you cock jockeys think you’re stealing my Converse or my flip-flops, you’ve got another thing coming.
---------------------------
Funny thing is, the HR people didn’t have this 4-page piece of donkey poo checked out by a lawyer before disseminating it, and there’s some pretty sexist stuff in there. Like, "women are encouraged to wear skirts and dresses", and "when wearing a sleeveless blouse or shell, women must cover up before coming into public contact. Males may optionally cover up when wearing sleeveless shirts."

I’m so fighting city hall on this one. It'd be hilarious to tell my next employer that I was fired for 'pantyhose compliance issues'.
_________________________________________
Random Fruit Fact (in honor of Laurenbove): The Pluot

Pluots are another one of those manmade fruits, being a registered trademark of Zaiger Genetics. I don’t generally approve of genetically modified stuff, but the pluot is part plum, and I can't stay mad at family.

“Pluots are complex hybrid fruits that are part plum and part apricot in heritage. These fruits were originally invented in the late 20th century by Floyd Zaiger and are now grown in parts of Washington and California. Pluots have a majority of plum parentage and therefore, have smooth skin like plums…Pluots and apriums are known for their sweetness and flavor; the sugar content of these fruits is much higher than that of a plum or apricot alone.”

Yummy. Learn more about the Pluot, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/12/2005 10:42:00 AM 18 comments

Monday, April 11, 2005

Fruit Boots...Now, With Tassels!

I don't claim to be a fashion maven, since I figure wearing converse, jeans and a black t-shirt every damn day disqualifies me for fashion superstardom. But I saw something which disturbed me deeply this morning.

A 20-25 year old male, wearing TASSELED LOAFERS. This kind:

Fruit Boots
*Image courtesy of zappos.com*

These shoes are wrong. I've been told that they're purchased under the auspices of comfort, and I respect comfort, yes indeed. Comfort is the reason why I refuse to wear pantyhose at work, and subsequently blind my coworkers with fishbelly-white legs. But last time I checked my comfort instruction book, tassels were not required. Tassels are for strippers, curtains and nothing else.

For some reason, Papa Spurious has always referred to tasseled loafers as ‘fruit boots’ (ah…fruit history), asserting that the cut and tassel-iness of this footwear looks "fruity". Now before you jump on my Papa's case, remember he's old. He also owns and WEARS several pairs of 'fruit boots', purchased by Mama Spurious, so he's obviously not too hardcore about it.

But Papa Spurious is an old dude. Old dudes are permitted by the fashion police to wear clothing normally unacceptable the sphere of a 20-25 year old.

If you are a 20 year old male, you know better than to wear fruit boots. Scary thing was, you could tell by this kid's strut that he thought he looked good. He couldn't have bought them for himself because, God...who would? But regardless of where they were acquired, he should never have left the house. When you see fruit boots in your closet, you can take one of two paths, like a 'Choose Your Own Adventure' story:

Should You Choose to Keep Them
Hand over your membership card to the Church of Cool Manhood, because tassels result in instant excommunication. You won't be hanging out with hot chicks unless you're stuffing money in their g-strings. (See? Strippers=tassels)

Should You Choose To Not Keep Them:
Remember, they must be completely destroyed, so as not to alter the fashion life of future generations. Set them on fire, or see if you can stuff them in a document shredder. Then get your ass to Kenneth Cole or some shit.
____________________________________________________
Random Fruit Fact: The Saskatoon

“Saskatoons were a favorite of interior native peoples. The Secwepemc name for saskatoon translates as "real berry." Bears seem to agree, black bears often frequent areas where there are lots of saskatoons. The fruit is sweet and if you chew the seeds you may notice an almond-cherry flavor.”

Learn more about saskatoons, here.

You can also learn about Dr. Jocelyn Ozga at University of Alberta, and her tireless efforts to bring saskatoons to your local grocery store (since they spoil in 6 seconds when left to their own devices), here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/11/2005 10:28:00 PM 15 comments

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Slim Jim is apparently branching out into the lucrative processed meat market. (Amanda:"Hooray!") On a recent trip to 7-Eleven, I saw a line of 'Pickled Sausage' products capped with the SlimJim logo. Several flavors were available, but two especially caught my attention-

The Big Mama Sausage
The packaging for this sausage had a cartoon inset of some 1950's blonde hooch, decked out in a boring blue uniform and a triangular hat. Not very exciting.

The Tijuana Mama Sausage
This sausage had a stereotypical, 1950's 'Mexican', alabaster maiden with black tresses. Wearing a peasant blouse and a truly gigantic sombrero, she tilts her head with a certain cocky flair that says "exotic yet inviting!" The package also claims that the TJ Mama is "300% hotter!" Hotter than what? The SlimJim folks don't say, but I assume they're comparing the TJ Mama to the ordinary Big Mama.

Here's what I wonder. Which scientific process allows the SlimJim people to determine a heat percentage? You've got to figure they're liberally rounding up, since a heat increase of exactly 300% seems pretty unlikely. I'm pretty sure there's some connection to the 300% increase and local branding assumptions.Follow me here...
In the Northeast, Tijuana=Mexican & Mexican=Hot. In this case, 300% hotter. So the mathematical formula might look something like this:
Mexicans(M)+Sausage(S)=Increase in American Sausage Heat Level of 300%(3A)
or
M+S=3A

I was an Literature major though, so this equation might be all honked up.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/07/2005 05:16:00 PM 6 comments

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Ah, L' Amour - PSA

People often approach me with relationship questions.

20 people just freaked, thinking their secrets are about to be disclosed on the internet, but you know I'd never do that. Remember listening to your Dad's Chicago tapes and wondering how some old fuckers could sing about your feelings? After a while, you realized that this shit just happens to a lot of people. Unfortunately.

I make a piss-poor dating oracle (though burnt offerings are accepted if they smell nice, like bacon), since I sucked at dating when I was single and happily abandoned the practice as soon as possible. But you all deserve to be happy. So here's a basic blanket statement:

If someone is hitting you, yelling at you, raping you, making you hurt yourself or feel bad, supplying you with nasty drugs, or doing any of the preceding to your children, GO. No one should have to put up with that crap.

This doesn't cover everyone's problems, and I'm sorry. Other than that, I'll listen and not pass judgement if you need to talk it out, but you'll need to make the final decision. The saddest thing in the world for me is watching one of my friends get hurt. I'm sorry things are hard, but please remember that you DO have the right to be happy!

Alright. Enough cheese. Time for fruit!
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RANDOM FRUIT FACT: The Dewberry

"The berry itself looks very like a blackberry, but you rarely find them with as many drupelets (the individual berries) as you get on blackberries. The main difference in the berry is that it's somewhat powdery in appearance, having the same mustiness as you get on a grape or a plum."

Hey buddy, who you calling musty? Learn more about this dudes dewberries, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/06/2005 02:32:00 PM 7 comments

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Pure Meaty Flavor & Bubbles Too!

Last night I was upstairs noodling around on the computer, and Matt was downstairs on the couch watching THE GAME. Since we were both too lazy to actually get up and see each other, we shouted upstairs/downstairs during commercial breaks.

“Dude!” he shouted up the stairs. “Have you seen that Diet Coke Commercial? The one with Adrian Brody?”

“Yeah.”

“Why do they even have Adrian Brody in a Diet Coke commercial? He’s all skinny and crap. I mean, wasn't he in a concentration camp movie or something? He should be selling bacon, not Coke..."

"Wait, did you just say Bacon Coke?"

"No, but I like that better."

"Yeah! For those days when regular Coke just doesn't have enough calories!"

Just For The Grease of It, Bacon Coke!

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/05/2005 10:39:00 AM 14 comments

Monday, April 04, 2005

Oh, Shit! Incoming! - or - The Post That Blogger Ate, Revisited

We have a DEFCON 5 Houseguest Alert! A Level Ten Houseguest will arrive for a visit in less than 2 weeks, and the Spurious homestead is at critical messiness mass! Break out Plan X! You know, the plan where you max out your credit card in an effort to make it look like your home was decorated by someone other than Mr. Ikea?

Old Friend is coming to visit in 10 days, which is really cool. He's really great and we're looking forward to his visit. There's just one little catch. Old Friend is one seriously clean dude. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of the guy. He deserves some sort of plaque for his ability to be clean and male simultaneously. It just means I have to burn down my house and rebuild it from scratch before it's sufficiently clean. The last thing I need is Old Friend getting chatted up by my bathroom mildew while I'm at work.

Now some of you may say, "Old Friend is your friend. He's coming to see you and Mateo, not your house. He won't care." and you're right, he won't. It's not his fault I turn into a neurotic, cleaning obsessed, Ajax-monkey before someone comes to visit.

There are five general DEFCON levels of necessary housecleaning, generally corresponding to the nature of the upcoming visitor:

DEFCON 1 - This is me not doing anything. I trust you enough to let you gaze upon my beautiful dust bunnies. I probably won't even get up to answer the door..."It's open, motherfucker!"

DEFCON 2 - You've visited a few times before, and you look like you'll be coming for subsequent visits. I'm tired of cleaning up the house in DEFCON 3 fashion before you come over, so this is all you get. I picked my dirty laundry up off the floor and did the dishes. What more do you want? P.S. you'll be getting your own beer, Bucko.

DEFCON 3- If this is your first visit to the Spurious household, you'll likely see the results of a DEFCON 3 cleaning rampage upon entry. I'll stock your preferred food and beverages and serve them to you graciously, like a monkey butler. Just don't open any closets or a wave of household detritus will consume you. And if you even think about breaking out the white gloves, I'll steal one and bitch slap your ass.

DEFCON 4 - Eat off the floors clean. Generally set aside for visits from my Mother in Law. She doesn't come over very often, which is good, cause this shit is hard work.

DEFCON 5 - All visitors will be provided sunglasses and a gas mask upon entry. Everything is supershinyclean and the residual household cleaner smell may singe your nostril hair and eyebrows. Reserved for heads of state, reggae ambassadors and Old Friend arriving in less than 2 weeks.

I have to find a way to get a truly crappy 80 year old bathroom sparkling clean in 10 days. Or I'll freak.

Please help.
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Random Fruit Fact: The Pawpaw

I remember the pawpaw fruit from a book I read as a child, but I can't for the life of me remember which one.

"The pawpaw is the largest edible fruit native to America. Individual fruits weigh 5 to 16 ounces and are 3 to 6 inches in length. The larger sizes will appear plump, similar to the mango. The fruit usually has 10 to 14 seeds in two rows. The brownish to blackish seeds are shaped like lima beans, with a length of 1/2 to 1-1/2 inches. Pawpaw fruits often occur as clusters of up to nine individual fruits. The ripe fruit is soft and thin skinned."

Yes, but what does it fucking TASTE like? The comparisons mangos and lima beans aren't really doing it for me. Damn you, California Rare Fruit Growers Association! Learn more about the pawpaw, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/04/2005 10:52:00 AM 14 comments

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Well, It sure Was Something...

I had a big ass, cool post, and then Blogger ate it. But Mateo saw it, and he says it was really good....Right, Mateo?

Mateo says:
"If I could see God in a blog, this would be the post that lifted the veil separating man and deity. And it is all for me."

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/03/2005 10:29:00 PM 4 comments

Friday, April 01, 2005

Que Seriosa + Beer

Writing about serious issues is not my forte. Political and ideological ground is often quite sufficiently covered people by with a greater writing skill than I posess.

But I came home depressed today, and I want to discuss it here. Several people at my workplace got into a major, name-calling, ideological fight over recent issues in the press, namely the events surrounding Terri Schaivo's death and the illness of Pope John Paul.

Given recent media attention, I'm sure you've formed your own opinion on these issues for good or ill, and I suppose have mine as well. The thing that saddened and disturbed me was that the slinging of insults on both sides of the fence occurred in my workplace. Phrases like 'murderer', 'child molester', 'character assassins' and 'media whores' were thrown around as if they meant nothing, and were sometimes taken from the argument and applied from one co-worker to another.

The only reason I go to work is to get money, and I keep my opinions to myself. Work just doesn't seem like the place to stage heated ideological arguments, the results of which are unprofessional and undesirable. I don't claim to be the most professional person myself, but I confine my non-vocational behavior to wearing flip-flops, cussing like a sailor, and coming back drunk from lunch. When I want to hash out ideals and morals, I have plenty of non-work folks I can turn to after hours. People who don't resort to simple insults to get their point across.

I'm going to start getting my Friday Hoegaarden on, and watch Omniyoji. Maybe I can shake these ideological blues.
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Random Fruit Fact: The Loganberry

"Judge J.H. Logan was an interested backyard plant breeder, who began experimenting with breeding small fruits in his home garden at Logan Heights near Santa Cruz, California. Unsatisfied with the many varieties of blackberries, Judge Logan tried to cross two varieties of blackberries and unwittingly planted next to an old variety of red raspberry which had been cultivated for years in the area. The canes of all three fruited and flowered together and Judge Logan gathered and planted the seed. The 50 seedlings grew and produced a plant which was similar to the blackberry parent Aughinbaugh variety, but much larger and stronger. This, of course, was the Loganberry; a cross between the blackberry and raspberry."

The loganberry's fake! Just like me! Learn more about the loganberries sheisty qualities, here.

Posted by Spurious Nurse at 4/01/2005 08:52:00 PM 8 comments